My AA Bro

I have a sober family. It is a network of people and we are all connected by our sponsors. I have a sober brother who is straight who is sponsored by a gay woman. Lately, we have been going to a lot of the same meetings and spending a lot of time together and we have a really good time. We make each other laugh a lot and we talk about the program a lot. He hasn't had a drink in 25 years and but he's only been working with a sponsor for about a year.

Anyway, the problem is, I find myself thinking about him a lot. Not in a romantic way or a sexual way. But about the things that we talk about. Like books, movies, sobriety, things that my husband really isn't interested in. My husband will listen to me talk about these things, but sort of with a strained look on his face. Like he wants to be supportive and listen, but he could really care less.

I find myself wanting to call my AA brother when I think of something funny or when I have a spare minute. I would rather go to the movies with him then with my husband. My husband and I are going to marriage counseling since his affair. I find myself being disappointed in my husband because we don't connect on an intellectual level. My relationship with my AA brother helps me to see what is missing in my marriage.

Bummer.

Just beginning

I am so grateful to be sober today. Already, 7 months into sobriety I am doing things that were unthinkable when I was in the thick of my disease. For example, I was able to go to the grocery store after I dropped my son off at school. I could have never done that this time last year. I was actually excited going to the grocery store! They were baking bread in there and it smelled great! The produce looked so beautiful, the bus load of senior citizens did not frustrate me!

I found a new babysitter through a woman in the rooms. I just couldn't seem to find anyone reliable a year ago.

Now this is big, I make dinner before I pick my kids up from school and then go to get the babysitter, then I leave for school!!! Whoa, really I do. I didn't do much cooking when I came into the rooms because cooking dinner was a big trigger for me!

These are mundane things that people take for granted, yet I was not capable of consistently coordinating these things this time last year. In fact, I had to drop my class last year. I stayed home and drank every night instead.

And now I have a fellowship, sober friends, conscious contact with my Higher Power, love, hope and this is only the beginning.

Fall

Hello and thanks to everyone who bothers to still check my blog. I've been on a roller coaster, one day ready to divorce my husband, the next thinking we can work it out. If I can work the steps through this post-affair time, I know that I will come out whole on the other side, no matter what.

Last Friday I had my first really really strong craving for alcohol in a LOOONG time. Well it seems like a long time, thought I've only been in the program for about 7 months!! LOL

Anyway, I made some calls on my way to a meeting and then I was okay. But the craving didn't go completely away and I think I figured out what is going on... The seasons are changing! Voila! I'm such an alky! This time last year was the beginning of the end, and it's my first fall in sobriety. And all these damn Pottery Barn catalogs. Prefall, fall, Thanksgiving, Christmas it seems like there is a wine bottle on every other page. My sponsor says that only alkies would notice something like that.

Oh well, by the Grace of my Higher Power I am still sober and I am so very very grateful for that.

Ok for Today

First and most importantly, I'm still sober, getting to lots of meetings, staying in contact with my network. No matter what comes my way, I'll be ok if I go through it soberly.

I've been working really hard on a lecture I have to give at school which makes up 40% of my grade. It's v. stressful because it's a ton of work and I'm having a hard time finding the time to work on it. I was supposed to give the lecture last night and the Prof. cancelled b/c she was sick!!!!!!

On the marriage front, things have gone from bad to worse. My husband's birthday was on Tues. I didn't celebrate it in the fashion he was expecting. I took the kids to the store to pick out presents, gummy worms, Yankee notepad etc. but I didn't get him a present. We argued the night before his birthday (I wanted to talk about his affair, he's tired of it), and when I called him at work the next day to apologize for losing my temper, we argued more.

My husband has been cold and rude to me since then. I wanted to have a mature, constructive dialog yesterday and all he would tell me is that he's disappointed about his birthday. I tried to talk to him, but he just wouldn't and what he did say was negative and critical.

I feel like I'm trying to work on this marriage and he's just being the same old way that he's always been. I'm outraged that he had expectations of me regarding his birthday after the depth of his betrayal.

Plus, he lied to me again, we had three different conversations about whether the girl he cheated on me with had contacted him. Then a week later he tells me she did call him, he told her not to anymore, but he lied to me b/c he thought I would be upset.

Anyway, that's that. I can't save this marriage by myself. I can't do all the work by myself. I have to accept the things I cannot change. I'm still trying to not make any decisions about my marriage for a year. It's really really hard though. However, it's nothing to drink over. My Higher Power knows what going on, even if I don't. That's ok for today.