Claws are in

Okay, deep breath. Easy. I cannot change the things I or my husband have done in the past. If the sky falls in or some other catastrophe happens, it is my decision to drink or not to drink. I feel the same way about his adultry and I'm sick of him putting it on me. But you know what? It's his decision to make, not mine. I'm not in charge of his thoughts or his feelings or his opinions.

I am accepting that this is the way everything is meant to be at this moment and that my HP has a plan for me. I don't have to put my will all over this, HP's got it handled already.

I have to keep my mouth shut and do the next right thing. Attraction, not promotion. I am so frickin grateful for this program and this way of life!

Thy will be done, thy will be done, thy will be done, they will be done, thy will be done..........

Sharp Claws

My claws are out and sharpened. At our last marriage counseling session my husband said that he is bummed out that he has to deal with the fact that I'm an alcoholic for the rest of his life.

Damn! Angry doesn't even begin to cover how I feel about that. I know I'm not supposed to take his inventory, but I'm going to here to deal with the fury I feel towards him at this point.

When I first found out about his affair, he said it happened because I'm an alcoholic. That doesn't fly with me. If he is/was so miserable, he can get divorced, he can go to counseling, he can go to al-anon, he could even, horror of all horrors, discuss his unhappiness with me. But to blame his adultry on my alcoholism is a copout. There is nothing that he could say or do that will make me think it's okay to have a relationship outside of our marriage with someone else's husband, and plan on ditching my kids and him to start another life.

So now he's come around to the point where he doesn't directly blame his affair on my alcoholism. Now it's that he was so angry about things that happened during my drinking, that when the opportunity to cheat presented itself, anything inside him that would have stopped him from committing adultry was no longer there. Hmmm.

He told me this morning that he knows I will relapse one day, as alcoholic relapses are inevitable. I told him that I work on my sobriety every day, one day at a time. And I am bummed that I have to deal with one day at a time something pissing him off or upsetting him so that his moral code might again become over-ridden.

I have to deal everyday with the fact that not only is he a liar and cheater, but he has not taken responsibility for it. And as long as he doesn't, there is always a chance that he will cheat again.

He traded me sexual favors for alcohol and then took pictures of me when I was passed out. He would show the pix the next day to show me what a mess I was, and tell me that I should sort me self out. He was absolutely wretched to me. And this is a man who can spend hours looking up some gadget crap on the internet, but he cant tell you the first thing about alcoholism. MFer.

Then I go to AA, the best thing that ever happened to him and what does he do? He gets himself a married girlfriend and plots to leave me and my kids. When I catch him, he blames it on me. We were on the phone with his slut's husband and the guy asks "how did this happen?" and my husband says to me, "why don't you tell him" and like an ahole, I say "what b/c I'm an alcoholic?" and my husband says exactly. I actually told this guy that his wife and my husband were fooling around b/c I'm an alky.

He has done NOTHING to support my sobriety, he has alcohol all the time, drinks on all of our dates etc.

I'm angry. Gotta go for now!

Yo!

I am so incredibly grateful to be sober today. Other than two times when I was preggers, this is the first time in my adult life I've woken up hangover free on New Year's Day.

I'm so blessed. I'm so grateful. Gotta pass it on.

Happy New Year, yo!

Still sober

Jeez, I can't believe it's been such a long time. I got REALLY bogged down with school work and I"m just coming up for air! Such a lot of great things have been happening in sobriety. I"ve only been at this for nine months and life is so much better than I ever thought it could be. By the grace of my HP I am still sober. I am so incredibly grateful for my sobriety, AA, my AA peeps, my friends and family! NOw that the sememster is over I hope to stop over everyone's blogs and see how yuz guys are going.

Bye for now!
XXOO

I didn't know I didn't know

Every time I talk to my sponsor about me and my husband, she doesn't hear me. She hears "marital issues" and starts talking about me trying to be the director, me forgetting that God has a plan, blah blah. Sometimes, she's right and she's said it so many times that I'm pretty careful about what I say to her about my husband and me.

I was speaking to her a couple weeks ago about me and my husband. I had this beautiful story about how my husband was upset with me and we were going on a date. Another AA suggested I invite my HP as a chaperon and to speak to my husband with love from my heart. And it turned out to be a really great date.

Anyway, I was hardly into the story when my sponsor starts with all the stuff that really ticks me off when I feel she's not listening. So I told her that. And she FLIPPED OUT! She really got really really mad. She told me to do a 4th step on her and call her back and let her know what my part in all of it was. I just got to the 4th step, I'd never done one before.

So after talking to a couple of other AA's I called her the next day and told her that I wasn't accepting of her limitations and attitudes when I speak with her about my husband and I keep repeating the same scenario over and over. (she was a serial adulteress when she was active and I really don't think she can stand to hear about my feelings about being cheated on...I didn't say THAT to her!!)

She FLIPPED OUT again. I mean she really went round the bend. Now this was my very first 4th step ever. And I really didn't mean to upset her, I'm just learning this stuff. She said no, your part is that you want me to tell you your husband's an a-hole and I'm not gonna do that because that helps no one. I told her I have plenty of people not in AA who are more than happy to tell me my husband's an a-hole, I don't need to hear that from my sponsor.

She told me that I yelled at her and attacked her. I said, That's so funny, b/c that's what I feel like you did to me! She said no, you did it to me. blah blah. She said I'm not going to even continue this conversation with you, I have never had a situation like this with a sponsee before. And I said, How come you're swearing I yelled at you and attacked you, therefore it's true, but I can't feel like you did the same thing to me? Is it your way only?

Well......she was none to receptive to that. I mean she seriously was blowing a major gasket on the other end of the phone. So she told me to call her sponsor because she couldn't continue our conversation. So now I call her sponsor, crying, all upset. I told her that I didn't yell at or attack my sponsor but I felt v. yelled and attacked by her and how could we move forward from this complete impasse?

Her sponsor told me to accept that my sponsor THINKS I yelled at her. Hmmmm. I can do that. And with that little crack in the door I was able to get back to work and look for my part in it. Did I say she doesn't listen to me in a harsh way? Did I let resentment build up? Am I not hearing her? Do I feel "not heard" in my marriage or other relationships?

The next day my sponsor called me and said, I'm sorry if I was not as calm as I wanted to be, I felt threatened. And I told her, I'm sorry if I said things too harshly, I didn't mean to come across in a mean way or to hurt your feelings. Then we saw each other a couple days later in a meeting and hugged and cried. We're both very dramatic and emotional. We said that we could learn a lot from each other and together we'll be rocketed into the 5th dimension.

I still have to get back to my sponsor's sponsor with my 4th step work on this situation, but I'm still learning about it and thinking about it. I didn't know how much I didn't know, but now I know how much I don't know. I'm grateful to have this program and fellowship to help me learn and get closer to my Higher Power.

My AA Bro

I have a sober family. It is a network of people and we are all connected by our sponsors. I have a sober brother who is straight who is sponsored by a gay woman. Lately, we have been going to a lot of the same meetings and spending a lot of time together and we have a really good time. We make each other laugh a lot and we talk about the program a lot. He hasn't had a drink in 25 years and but he's only been working with a sponsor for about a year.

Anyway, the problem is, I find myself thinking about him a lot. Not in a romantic way or a sexual way. But about the things that we talk about. Like books, movies, sobriety, things that my husband really isn't interested in. My husband will listen to me talk about these things, but sort of with a strained look on his face. Like he wants to be supportive and listen, but he could really care less.

I find myself wanting to call my AA brother when I think of something funny or when I have a spare minute. I would rather go to the movies with him then with my husband. My husband and I are going to marriage counseling since his affair. I find myself being disappointed in my husband because we don't connect on an intellectual level. My relationship with my AA brother helps me to see what is missing in my marriage.

Bummer.

Just beginning

I am so grateful to be sober today. Already, 7 months into sobriety I am doing things that were unthinkable when I was in the thick of my disease. For example, I was able to go to the grocery store after I dropped my son off at school. I could have never done that this time last year. I was actually excited going to the grocery store! They were baking bread in there and it smelled great! The produce looked so beautiful, the bus load of senior citizens did not frustrate me!

I found a new babysitter through a woman in the rooms. I just couldn't seem to find anyone reliable a year ago.

Now this is big, I make dinner before I pick my kids up from school and then go to get the babysitter, then I leave for school!!! Whoa, really I do. I didn't do much cooking when I came into the rooms because cooking dinner was a big trigger for me!

These are mundane things that people take for granted, yet I was not capable of consistently coordinating these things this time last year. In fact, I had to drop my class last year. I stayed home and drank every night instead.

And now I have a fellowship, sober friends, conscious contact with my Higher Power, love, hope and this is only the beginning.

Fall

Hello and thanks to everyone who bothers to still check my blog. I've been on a roller coaster, one day ready to divorce my husband, the next thinking we can work it out. If I can work the steps through this post-affair time, I know that I will come out whole on the other side, no matter what.

Last Friday I had my first really really strong craving for alcohol in a LOOONG time. Well it seems like a long time, thought I've only been in the program for about 7 months!! LOL

Anyway, I made some calls on my way to a meeting and then I was okay. But the craving didn't go completely away and I think I figured out what is going on... The seasons are changing! Voila! I'm such an alky! This time last year was the beginning of the end, and it's my first fall in sobriety. And all these damn Pottery Barn catalogs. Prefall, fall, Thanksgiving, Christmas it seems like there is a wine bottle on every other page. My sponsor says that only alkies would notice something like that.

Oh well, by the Grace of my Higher Power I am still sober and I am so very very grateful for that.

Ok for Today

First and most importantly, I'm still sober, getting to lots of meetings, staying in contact with my network. No matter what comes my way, I'll be ok if I go through it soberly.

I've been working really hard on a lecture I have to give at school which makes up 40% of my grade. It's v. stressful because it's a ton of work and I'm having a hard time finding the time to work on it. I was supposed to give the lecture last night and the Prof. cancelled b/c she was sick!!!!!!

On the marriage front, things have gone from bad to worse. My husband's birthday was on Tues. I didn't celebrate it in the fashion he was expecting. I took the kids to the store to pick out presents, gummy worms, Yankee notepad etc. but I didn't get him a present. We argued the night before his birthday (I wanted to talk about his affair, he's tired of it), and when I called him at work the next day to apologize for losing my temper, we argued more.

My husband has been cold and rude to me since then. I wanted to have a mature, constructive dialog yesterday and all he would tell me is that he's disappointed about his birthday. I tried to talk to him, but he just wouldn't and what he did say was negative and critical.

I feel like I'm trying to work on this marriage and he's just being the same old way that he's always been. I'm outraged that he had expectations of me regarding his birthday after the depth of his betrayal.

Plus, he lied to me again, we had three different conversations about whether the girl he cheated on me with had contacted him. Then a week later he tells me she did call him, he told her not to anymore, but he lied to me b/c he thought I would be upset.

Anyway, that's that. I can't save this marriage by myself. I can't do all the work by myself. I have to accept the things I cannot change. I'm still trying to not make any decisions about my marriage for a year. It's really really hard though. However, it's nothing to drink over. My Higher Power knows what going on, even if I don't. That's ok for today.

Decision

I am going to give this marriage a year. Not for me, for my kids. If it were not for my kids, I would have been out of here a month ago. I'll re-evaluate everything in a year. I need to finish school. I have this semester and next semester. I need to put all of my efforts into school and my kids right now.

Maybe in a year, I'll feel differently. I know I will be a different person than I am now. Because with the grace of God, I will still be sober. I will be working on my steps with my sponsor. I won't be making decisions out of anger and pain. I'll do my resentment prayers for my husband and the other woman. I'll continue my Big Book study. My decision to continue my marriage or end it will be sober, sane and rational. At least that's my plan for now, who knows what my Higher Power has planned.

Now that I've gotten out of the driver's seat, I am at peace. I'm just going to work my program and do the best that I can. I know that my Higher Power has a plan for me and I'm praying for the knowledge of His will for me.

What to do now...........

First of all, I called the husband of the woman my husband was having an affair with. The woman denied the affair and said that I was a crazy, unstable alcoholic. So I put my husband on the phone and he confirmed that yes indeed he did have an affair with this man's "wife". When the man asked how this happened, my husband said to me, "Do you want to tell him?" I said I didn't know why and my husband said "I think you do". I said, "I'm an alcoholic but I've been sober for several months." I actually told some guy that my husband had an affair with his wife because I'm an alcoholic. My husband and I have hashed this out, and he now says that he regrets saying it, but at the time, he really did think he had an affair because I'm an alcoholic.

We've had many many hours of conversations since then. He realizes now that his affair was a diversion, so that he wouldn't have to deal with problems in our relationship and anger and resentment he has towards me because of my drinking.

If I hadn't found out, the affair would have continued. He was thinking of leaving me and my kids for this woman. Now he's realizing that a lot of the things he saw as problems with me and our marriage are actually his problems and indicative of his inability to deal with these things.

Yesterday I started to kick him out, threw his stuff out etc. etc.. I picked my son up from school, but I couldn't go through it. I couldn't break this family up in that way. My kids have been on edge since all this stuff happened, it just didn't feel right. Not in this way.

So now my husband is here. And we are married and playing the role of mother and father. We're good at that. The kids are the glue that is holding this marriage together at this point. If it were not for the kids, I would not want to be with my husband anymore, I wouldn't want him in my life at all. He was actually thinking of leaving me and the kids to start a life with someone new, because that just seemed so much easier and carefree than sticking around here. I am outraged that my kids were so dispensable to him. I am outraged at his narcissism.

But I think that by kicking him out, I would be as self-absorbed as I feel he was. I'm not saying that we will be able to work this out, but I need to go through this in a rational way that is the least damaging for my kids.

Right now, in addition to the pain and anger I feel about my husband's affair, I am really angry about my husband's reaction to my reaction to his affair. After four weeks, he can't believe that I still need to talk about this and that I'm still going on about it.

But I'm still sober, I'm trying to work through all this. Using my program, but I have to go now, my son is crying and needs me. More later.

XO

This time last year....

Everything used to be a reason to drink. The changing of the seasons was a big one. Now that autumn is approaching, I'm faced with a new set of triggers. This time last year was the beginning of my bottom. I knew that I had to stop drinking. I was making some last desperate attempts to drink in a controlled manner.

I am so grateful that I am sober this autumn and that I don't ever have to repeat the things that happened from last September until March, when I finally put the bottle down. I read my journal from last year. It starts around April and it's so sad. Just one desperate attempt to control my drinking, followed by failure and demoralization.

I am incredibly grateful to be sober today and to be a member of AA.

Update

I was going to update my blog tonight, but I just got my four year old to sleep.

I'm okay. I'm alive and sober. I would like to kick my husband out on the street, but my AA peeps are saying I'm a big gaping hole and in no condition to make any important decisions at this time. So I'm in a holding pattern right now. It sucks, but I'm going to get through it.

I'll update more over the weekend.

Let Go

Hey, I'm alive and well and sober. Grateful to be a recovering alky and for the program of AA.

I am at the beach for two weeks, with my "husband", his parents and our two kids. We are staying in a two bedroom apt. It is raining. But I am actively maintaining a conscious contact with my Higher Power. There are meetings here everyday, Sunday's was on the beach.

In-laws are leaving in a couple of days. I thought that the best thing to do would be to try to work things out with my husband. Than I thought the best thing to do would be to end this marriage. My sponsor says I have to complete the steps in order to make a proper decision. I'm on Step two. Right now, I don't know what to do. So I am going to continue Let Go. More will be revealed.

Thanks for all your good wishes.
XO

Betrayal

I don't want to get too much into it at this time, but my husband has been having affair since a little after I came to AA.

The good news is, I have no desire to pick up a drink. I have a solid network, my sober family, who have held me up. They are walking through this with me. I have a Higher Power who has a plan for me. I know that my kids and I will be alright. I hit my knees several times a day. I pray constantly, Thy will be done, Thy will be done.

I don't know what's going to happen, but I will be alright. I have peace and faith and hope in my heart, and it's all because of AA.

More later................

Fear & Faith

I don't like being alone with my own thoughts. It's like being alone with a crazy person. I'm too early in sobriety to be in that scary place. Yesterday and today I was really really crazy. I was angry, sad, scared, anxious...because I don't like what is going on with my marriage and I don't know what the near or distant future holds. Somehow I had lost all of my faith. The opposite of faith is fear.

I spoke with my sponsor. I told her that I wanted to give my husband a tool box, like we have, with the steps and fellowship and conscious contact with a Higher Power. My sponsor explained that my Higher Power tapped me on the shoulder and guided me to AA. I was carried, really carried through my first 90 days. That was my Higher Power. My husband has to hit his emotional bottom, he needs to be tapped on the shoulder by his Higher Power. And just like no one could tell me when it was time to stop drinking, no one can tell my husband how to work through his issues.

I can either be filled with all kinds of really awful feelings and crazy thoughts. Or I can keep reminding myself to have faith, that there is a loving, knowing power so much much much greater than I can even conceive. If I stay with my program, and keep my faith I will be okay.

What to do......

I was able to eat enough to workout at the gym today. Good stuff. Someone came up to me and wondered since I lost such a massive amount of weight if I was okay. I said I was, it's just stress and he said he'd been there. I don't want to go below 110 pounds, I'm trying to keep eating.

My husband is supposed to return from his trip around midnight on Friday. I really don't want him here, in light of the fact that he doesn't even think he wants to be here anymore, his anger, resentment and the fact that he doesn't think he was ever happy in our marriage. I'm not really comfortable having him around. But I want my kids to be able to see him and enjoy a sense of normalcy. I'm not sure what to do. Ask him to go to a hotel or have him come home? I guess he could still come here and see the kids, even if he stays in a hotel. But it would be more normal for them to wake up and have him here on Saturday morning. But if he's going to be moving out anyway, they will have to get used to him not being here.

I am struggling with this one. I don't want to be the Director. I am trying to do what is best for me and my kids. But what might be best for the kids, isn't really the best for me on this one. I'm trying to see what God's will is in this. So then I think I shouldn't do anything, just let my husband show up here. But I need to do what is right for me too. To protect myself physically and to protect my sobriety.

Acceptance

The other night my husband told me that he doesn't think he was ever happy in our marriage and that I'm not what he wants anymore. I've been feeling some peace and hope and acceptance in my heart. I know that I will be okay at the other side of all this. I know that I will love someone and they will love me back, I just don't know if it will be with my husband or not. And it's all because of my Higher Power and the people and program of AA. If I did not have AA, even if I didn't pick up a drink over this, I would be incapacitated with anger, fear, hurt etc.

I have been praying and asking my Higher Power for guidance and I was actually able to feel sorry for my husband. What a coincidence that his father walked out on him and his mother when he was the same age as my son. What a coincidence that his mother's miserable behavior and unwillingness and inability to work anything out with her husband resulted in him first drinking too much and then leaving.

I'm sad that my husband never resolved his father's leaving and the role his mother played in all that. He has a lot of contempt towards his mother and I think contempt toward himself for being like his mother. I wish that he had a program like I do and a network of people that will help him through. I wish that he had faith that his Higher Power has a plan for him and that we will all be okay.

When I pray to my Higher Power for guidance and peace and love, I pray for the same thing for my husband. I'm okay right now in this minute, in this day.

Agony

My husband is moving out. Not sure when, since he's going to San Francisco and then his parents are flying in. He's really very cheerful about the whole thing. Not worried about leaving me and the kids. I think he has a diversion, as in a girlfriend. He just doesn't care anymore. Why the hell did he wait until I was physically ill and had to ask him to leave? If he wanted out so bad, why couldn't he have had the balls to say so? He left in his heart and mind a while ago. If he was every really all in.

I cried ALL day today after me and my husband spoke about him leaving. He was FINE. FINE! Cool as a cucumber. I am devastated. Every time I look at my kids or their toys I start crying thinking of how their world's are going to be rocked in the very near future. I asked my husband to come along with me that we could grow together, he's not interested. Not interested in marriage counseling either.

But I am not drinking. I am reaching out. And let me tell you, when I sent out an SOS my phone rang off the hook. The word that I needed help spread like wildfire. If I was on my cell, my house phone rang, if I was on the house phone my cell rang. Even now as I'm typing this, people are texting me to see if I'm okay. My sober family is beyond awesome. They are going to help me through this. I have felt so much love and support and heard so much great advice. Two different people read different parts of the Big Book with me over the phone today. Then I went to a meeting I've never been to before and shared my situation and just cried and cried.

These are some of the gems that people told me today, "We have a way to live now and not drinking is the most obvious part. But this way of living is our chance to grow and see what our Higher Power's plan is for us."

"If you try to get through this on your own will, it will be much more painful and difficult than if you do it with your Higher Power. Get as close to your Higher Power now as possible to get through this."

"If your going through hell, keep going!"

Not good

Well now I know why I feel like my insides have been through a meat grinder. Even though my husband says he wants to be married to me and be the father of our children, everything else he says and does means the opposite. Apparently he's harboring some hatred towards me.

He told me that he hated my guts while I was drinking. He told me that he was always looking for a way out. He told me the only reason he didn't leave is because he figured I'd accidentally kill myself while drinking and he didn't want my death on his hands. He didn't want his kids to be without a mother. He told me that he was beyond despair over my drinking. I never knew any of this. He just acted like he hated me while I drank and so my solution was to drink more and he hated me more. I asked him why he never told me how much my drinking bothered him and he said he was trying to shame me into stopping. He took pictures and videos of me passed out drunk so that he would have evidence to take my kids away from me, even though they were in their beds. He thinks that we can move forward from here. Yet, again, he doesn't act like it. I asked him if he needed to move out for a while. He said he didn't want to disrupt the kids lives and go to all the trouble. Then he suggested he take some job assignments in different cities.???? I don't know what is going on. But at least now I know why I'm eaten up inside. What he was saying and what he was doing didn't match up.

I told him that I'm working really hard to be the best person I could be. I want him to come along with me, that wonderful things are in store for us. But he is still treating me like he did when I drank all the time. I asked him to react to the person I am now, not the person I was when I was drinking.

I can't eat. I'm a wreck. I'm losing weight rapidly. My therapist told me to get out of the cross hairs. She told me that I need a break from all this because I'm sliding into a bad place. Not that I'm going to drink, but that she can see me going down. She thinks it would be a good idea for me and my husband to be separated right now. My husband's going away, again, next week. Two days after he returns, his crazy effed up parents are flying in from England. Then me, my husband, our two kids and his parents are staying in a 2 bedroom, 2nd floor apartment at the beach. His parents will be there most of the first week. We will be alone with the kids the second week.

Not good. Not good at all. Very not good.
Sober with no desire to drink.