Prepare

I had a birthday party for my son today. He's turning four on Tuesday. I didn't excpect it, but the desire to have a drink hit me right at the end of the party. Then a friend from AA, who has a year of sobriety called to check on me. She had come to the party with her three year old. Turns out she always craves a drink when she's hosting a party at her house. Another sober reference, I'll have to be better prepared next time. 135 days of sobriety and I'm certainly not going to lose it at my four year olds birthday party!

It Works!

I gave my marital problems to my HP and AA and now I have some peace and serenity. My husband got home from his trip in the middle of the night last night. We didn't get a chance to talk until after I had returned from my Morning Meditation meeting and my BB study with my "family" this morning. I'm glad I had so much intense spiritual and AA reinforcement before I saw my husband today.

I told my husband that I am trying to keep my side of the street clean and I am trying to let go of the things I have no control over in our relationship. He asked if that meant I was not going to care about him anymore. I said that I'm not in charge of him and our marriage and I don't know if we're meant to be together or not. We've been arguing about the same things in the same ways for nine years now, I want to try it a different way now. I want to change and grow. I told him how hard it is for me to let go and just sit and to try to do the next right thing. He said that he was going to surprise me by changing and growing too!

My poor husband! He was probably waiting for all sorts of drama when he got home. And here I was all calm and collected, I've gone and changed the rules of engagement on him. He probably thinks I've been abducted by aliens. Now all we have to do is walk the talk! Simple, but NOT easy.

Thanks everyone for your help and support. XO

New concept

I am so grateful for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous tonight. My husband is in Dallas again. Same place he was when his blackberry accidently dialed me when he was out drinking with a woman, after he had just told me he was out to dinner with a couple of guys.

He's not communicating with me at the moment. We had a disagreement and he is not returning my instant messages and his cell phone is apparently not working. I feel very hurt and disrespected by my husband right now. I'm not going to drink over it tonight. I'm not planning on drinking over it at all. It's time's like this when I'm on high alert against alcohol, so that's not the worry.

Just not sure what to do with this belly full of really yucky emotions. And not sure what to do with an ongoing marital problem. I've been on the phone with my sponsor for almost 2 hours tonight. She gave me some great advice and insight and reading assignments for tonight. She told me that my HP tapped me on the shoulder to come into AA and he's not going to drop me on my butt now. I really, really needed to hear this tonight. I'm to give this entire situation over to the program of AA and my HP. That's what I can "do" now. Because I always feel like I have to "do" something.

This giving it all to AA and my HP is a totally new and foriegn concept for me. I am humbled and completely willing to do this. More will be revealed.

Reading recovery blogs is what finally got me into the rooms. Lately, I've been thinking I'm not an alcoholic anymore, that I can drink like a normal person, etc. etc. I'm still going to meetings and doing all the other stuff that my sponsor tells me to do. But I have been staying away from recovery blogs and just like the rest of the AA program, I don't know how, but reading others blogs and sharing my own demented thoughts is really important to my sobriety.

The only reason I'm thinking I can drink normally is because I'm 4 months sober now and the shitstorm I lived in while drinking isn't as immediate. But I knew for months, maybe even a year that drinking was destroying me and that I'd have to stop, before I finally quit drinking. I really am insane to disregard all that and in a matter of a couple weeks think that I'm okay now. I know all I have to do is have a drink and I will prove to myself and everyone around me why I do really belong in AA.

I can't even believe that I would even consider having a drink when things are finally going well and I am not filled with hopelessness and self-loathing. Cunning, baffling and powerful.

Hey haven't had much say lately. Lost my acceptance and starting wondering if I was really an alky. I told one of my brothers and a friend or two that I'm not so sure I'm an alky. But they all seemed pretty certain that I am. Pretty funny, how I can be so unsure about what seems pretty obvious to everyone else. But I'm confident I am today.

What sucks worse, so much worse, than being an alcoholic is being on the fence and thinking that you're not, but also knowing that you are. And wanting to drink and knowing that you can't. It's just much easier when I accept that I'm an alcoholic and just cant drink.

Being on the fence like that feels like hell and just sucks the life out of me. I'm praying for rock solid acceptance so I don't have to be on that damn fence.

Awed

Lately, I've been unsettled with my sobriety and it all came to an ugly head yesterday. There's a sick part of me that is trying to convince the rest of me and anyone who will listen that I'm not an alcoholic.

Yesterday, the 4th of July celebrations caught me by surprise. I found myself wanting a drink, almost as much as I wanted to breath. I was in an awful place. Really awful. My sponsor's away and I figured everyone was busy and I didn't want to call to bother them.

My hands started to shake and I started to cry. I hit my knees and prayed. I prayed for guidance. And for this internal struggle to subside. What happened to the acceptance I had a while ago? I started to read my BB. And then my phone rang.

It was another woman in the program who wanted to know what my plan was to stay sober that day. I told her I didn't have one, I was floundering, white knuckling etc. She told me to come with my kids and husband to a BBQ being held by another woman in the program. We went, I was still crying. And another person from AA showed up, and then someone called him who didn't have a plan, and he came over. There ended up to be about 7 people in the program there. I was literally surrounded by people with solid sober time.

I felt so safe there. I was able to relax. I am grateful beyond words. I am awed at how this program works. I am awed at the power of prayer.

Bike Joy Ride

I am so incredibly happy today. My son turned eight in May, he's been struggling to ride a bike without training wheels. We live on a hill, so I need to take him somewhere specifically to practice riding. Many times it's ended with my son in tears, angry and frustrated.

Today, he got on the bike and just rode and rode and rode. I hope I never forget the look of joy on his face.

I'm so grateful that-
my son learned to ride his two wheel bike today
I'm still sober despite my crazy brain
my kids are both healthy and happy
I have everything I need and want
it's summer vacation