Booze Breath

Last night a group of five of us AA "sisters" drove into Manhattan for a great Sunday meeting and to meet my sponsor's sponsor's sponsor's sponsor who is visiting from Seattle and a bunch of other members of our sober "family".

Problem is, one of the women in the car with us, M, was drunk. I was sitting next to her. I could not stand the smell of the booze on her breath, it took over the entire car. She's new to sobriety, she recently completed rehab, but she is having problems staying sober. She goes to Intensive Outpatient Treatment three nights a week. She went into the bathroom during dinner and drank some more.

Everyone in the car was uncomfortable with smelling booze on this woman. I am disappointed with myself because I wanted to be able to help her, but I was angry at her. I had a hard time talking to her. Eventually she was surrounded with people who tried to help her. Literally, they had her against a wall. I hope what they said to her helped her and I hope that she will be okay today. She said she didn't want to be a burden and one of the senior sponsors told her that we all needed her there to help us stay sober too.

I have her phone number, I'll give her a call today. I am going to pray for guidance and direction from my Higher Power on how to act around M and how to be of service to her. There but for the Grace of God go I.

Lotta AA

Just got back from a speaker commitment of one of my sober "sisters". Wow what experience strength and hope. So wise and strong and only 26 years old. I drove her to our 7am meeting and than I had to pick her up again at 7:30pm to make it to the speaking commitment.

Tomorrow morning I'm picking her up and we're going to a 7:30am meeting. That's alot of AA!! I really need this right now.

I am so grateful to be sober, to have the fellowship of AA in my life and the program of AA in my life.

Dont Worry, Pray.

I shared about my twisted thoughts (previous post)in a meeting today. I'm glad I did, a lot of people related and a lot of people came up to me at the end of the meeting and talked about it. Called my sponsor twice. Went to 2 AA meetings. They were both great!

I feel really really sad right now. My husband is so hostile towards me. He is just not a very happy person. I don't know if we are supposed to be together or not, I've given that one to my HP. But I feel bad for my kids if me and my husband don't work out. But I guess I'm worrying for nothing. I heard somewhere, "If your gonna worry, why pray, and if you're gonna pray, why worry?" Wish I could remember where I heard that.

I'm off to do some praying. I hope everyone in blogga-land is doing well today.

Bad and Good

The Bad News:
I didn't go to my meeting tonight
I forgot to call my sponsor for two days now
I didn't make any calls to any AAs today
I didn't go to the gym today
I ate candy ALL day
There's beer in the fridge

The Good News:
I know all of the above is bad news
I know the above is me not working my program, it's not ok
I'm sending my sponsor an email now to tell her I'm alive and stuff
I'm reading the Big Book before I go to sleep even tho it's now midnight
I watched Traffic tonight, a movie with a character that gets way lost in drugs/alcohol and then attends AA meetings
I don't want to drink tonight
I'm going to a meeting with my homegroup tomorrow
I can do all the right things to stay sober tomorrow

Grateful for
Sober blogging Peeps
That I am sober
That I am healthy
My kids are healthy
I painted my dining room today
That my sponsor told me she will never dump me if I forget to call her, but that she will definitely yell at me
That I am still handing my will over to my Higher Power in my marriage even though it's not in my nature, and it is getting ever so slightly easier
That I have two little boys who enjoy playing in the rain

Twisted

My husband's friend from England is visiting us for about a week. There is beer in the fridge. I've been alone in the house with the beer a couple of times. We went to dinner and my husband and his friend shared a bottle of wine in addition to beers. Seriously, tears came to my eyes when they asked for the wine list.

I went to my friend's house today. She knows I'm in the program. Her and her hubby were having beers. I've been around alcohol a lot lately. It's okay, I don't want to drink. Right this minute.

Sometimes a sick part of my brain thinks that in about a year, when I have my act together I can drink again. But when I think it through, I don't want to have A DRINK I want to GET DRUNK. I know that one drink would feel so good, that I would have to be put in a straight jacket to not have another drink. I saw my sponsor at a meeting and told her I was doing just fine. Then I mentioned my sick thoughts. She just laughed and said "Your disease is one of the twisted and sneakiest bastards I've ever come across and you are definitely an alcoholic, don't move out of that chair, because you NEED to be here!! And why do you tell me you're fine, when you think you can go out and drink after a year in the AA program?"

I'm going to share my sick thoughts at every meeting I go to, to break that bastard's back!

My will

I thought that when I gave my will over in my marriage, things were going to be super and everything would be just peachy. Guess what? My husband's acting hostile!! I thought he would be thrilled to have me stop telling him how I thought he should be as a father and a husband. Thankfully I called a wise woman in AA who told me that he is hostile and acting out because I have changed the basic rules of engagement in our marriage. He is trying to provoke me because that is more comfortable for him at this point.

Now I just have to continue to give my will over to my Higher Power! It's not easy, it is really really difficult to face this hostility on the home front, because it's very covert and passive. And it was suggested to me that I assure my husband of my love.

I tried doing marriage my way for about nine years and my husband and we argue about the same things and we've argued the same way. Nine years, same arguments!!! I am more than willing to try a new way. And I can rest easily, assured, serenely that I'm not in charge of everything around here. I'm not the director and my husband's not an actor in my play.

I always knew that life would get better in sobriety, I just never knew how. Now I'm starting to see how it's not just a matter of not drinking, but of staying in conscious contact with my Higher Power and living my life in a different way.

Still willing, grateful and sober.

Waking up

I am so happy to wake up sober everyday. It doesn't matter what happened the day before. Or if I thought of drinking or not. The feeling of waking up clean and unashamed, starting the day with dignity and integrity cannot be beat.

I'm having a problem with my sponsor. And in true alcoholic fashion I've discussed with about 3 people, but I haven't mentioned it to her yet. So I guess that will be my challenge du jour. Which really is a high class problem and a chance to learn and grow more than anything else.

Happy sober Wednesday yuze guys!