Fall

Hello and thanks to everyone who bothers to still check my blog. I've been on a roller coaster, one day ready to divorce my husband, the next thinking we can work it out. If I can work the steps through this post-affair time, I know that I will come out whole on the other side, no matter what.

Last Friday I had my first really really strong craving for alcohol in a LOOONG time. Well it seems like a long time, thought I've only been in the program for about 7 months!! LOL

Anyway, I made some calls on my way to a meeting and then I was okay. But the craving didn't go completely away and I think I figured out what is going on... The seasons are changing! Voila! I'm such an alky! This time last year was the beginning of the end, and it's my first fall in sobriety. And all these damn Pottery Barn catalogs. Prefall, fall, Thanksgiving, Christmas it seems like there is a wine bottle on every other page. My sponsor says that only alkies would notice something like that.

Oh well, by the Grace of my Higher Power I am still sober and I am so very very grateful for that.

Ok for Today

First and most importantly, I'm still sober, getting to lots of meetings, staying in contact with my network. No matter what comes my way, I'll be ok if I go through it soberly.

I've been working really hard on a lecture I have to give at school which makes up 40% of my grade. It's v. stressful because it's a ton of work and I'm having a hard time finding the time to work on it. I was supposed to give the lecture last night and the Prof. cancelled b/c she was sick!!!!!!

On the marriage front, things have gone from bad to worse. My husband's birthday was on Tues. I didn't celebrate it in the fashion he was expecting. I took the kids to the store to pick out presents, gummy worms, Yankee notepad etc. but I didn't get him a present. We argued the night before his birthday (I wanted to talk about his affair, he's tired of it), and when I called him at work the next day to apologize for losing my temper, we argued more.

My husband has been cold and rude to me since then. I wanted to have a mature, constructive dialog yesterday and all he would tell me is that he's disappointed about his birthday. I tried to talk to him, but he just wouldn't and what he did say was negative and critical.

I feel like I'm trying to work on this marriage and he's just being the same old way that he's always been. I'm outraged that he had expectations of me regarding his birthday after the depth of his betrayal.

Plus, he lied to me again, we had three different conversations about whether the girl he cheated on me with had contacted him. Then a week later he tells me she did call him, he told her not to anymore, but he lied to me b/c he thought I would be upset.

Anyway, that's that. I can't save this marriage by myself. I can't do all the work by myself. I have to accept the things I cannot change. I'm still trying to not make any decisions about my marriage for a year. It's really really hard though. However, it's nothing to drink over. My Higher Power knows what going on, even if I don't. That's ok for today.

Decision

I am going to give this marriage a year. Not for me, for my kids. If it were not for my kids, I would have been out of here a month ago. I'll re-evaluate everything in a year. I need to finish school. I have this semester and next semester. I need to put all of my efforts into school and my kids right now.

Maybe in a year, I'll feel differently. I know I will be a different person than I am now. Because with the grace of God, I will still be sober. I will be working on my steps with my sponsor. I won't be making decisions out of anger and pain. I'll do my resentment prayers for my husband and the other woman. I'll continue my Big Book study. My decision to continue my marriage or end it will be sober, sane and rational. At least that's my plan for now, who knows what my Higher Power has planned.

Now that I've gotten out of the driver's seat, I am at peace. I'm just going to work my program and do the best that I can. I know that my Higher Power has a plan for me and I'm praying for the knowledge of His will for me.

What to do now...........

First of all, I called the husband of the woman my husband was having an affair with. The woman denied the affair and said that I was a crazy, unstable alcoholic. So I put my husband on the phone and he confirmed that yes indeed he did have an affair with this man's "wife". When the man asked how this happened, my husband said to me, "Do you want to tell him?" I said I didn't know why and my husband said "I think you do". I said, "I'm an alcoholic but I've been sober for several months." I actually told some guy that my husband had an affair with his wife because I'm an alcoholic. My husband and I have hashed this out, and he now says that he regrets saying it, but at the time, he really did think he had an affair because I'm an alcoholic.

We've had many many hours of conversations since then. He realizes now that his affair was a diversion, so that he wouldn't have to deal with problems in our relationship and anger and resentment he has towards me because of my drinking.

If I hadn't found out, the affair would have continued. He was thinking of leaving me and my kids for this woman. Now he's realizing that a lot of the things he saw as problems with me and our marriage are actually his problems and indicative of his inability to deal with these things.

Yesterday I started to kick him out, threw his stuff out etc. etc.. I picked my son up from school, but I couldn't go through it. I couldn't break this family up in that way. My kids have been on edge since all this stuff happened, it just didn't feel right. Not in this way.

So now my husband is here. And we are married and playing the role of mother and father. We're good at that. The kids are the glue that is holding this marriage together at this point. If it were not for the kids, I would not want to be with my husband anymore, I wouldn't want him in my life at all. He was actually thinking of leaving me and the kids to start a life with someone new, because that just seemed so much easier and carefree than sticking around here. I am outraged that my kids were so dispensable to him. I am outraged at his narcissism.

But I think that by kicking him out, I would be as self-absorbed as I feel he was. I'm not saying that we will be able to work this out, but I need to go through this in a rational way that is the least damaging for my kids.

Right now, in addition to the pain and anger I feel about my husband's affair, I am really angry about my husband's reaction to my reaction to his affair. After four weeks, he can't believe that I still need to talk about this and that I'm still going on about it.

But I'm still sober, I'm trying to work through all this. Using my program, but I have to go now, my son is crying and needs me. More later.

XO

This time last year....

Everything used to be a reason to drink. The changing of the seasons was a big one. Now that autumn is approaching, I'm faced with a new set of triggers. This time last year was the beginning of my bottom. I knew that I had to stop drinking. I was making some last desperate attempts to drink in a controlled manner.

I am so grateful that I am sober this autumn and that I don't ever have to repeat the things that happened from last September until March, when I finally put the bottle down. I read my journal from last year. It starts around April and it's so sad. Just one desperate attempt to control my drinking, followed by failure and demoralization.

I am incredibly grateful to be sober today and to be a member of AA.

Update

I was going to update my blog tonight, but I just got my four year old to sleep.

I'm okay. I'm alive and sober. I would like to kick my husband out on the street, but my AA peeps are saying I'm a big gaping hole and in no condition to make any important decisions at this time. So I'm in a holding pattern right now. It sucks, but I'm going to get through it.

I'll update more over the weekend.

Let Go

Hey, I'm alive and well and sober. Grateful to be a recovering alky and for the program of AA.

I am at the beach for two weeks, with my "husband", his parents and our two kids. We are staying in a two bedroom apt. It is raining. But I am actively maintaining a conscious contact with my Higher Power. There are meetings here everyday, Sunday's was on the beach.

In-laws are leaving in a couple of days. I thought that the best thing to do would be to try to work things out with my husband. Than I thought the best thing to do would be to end this marriage. My sponsor says I have to complete the steps in order to make a proper decision. I'm on Step two. Right now, I don't know what to do. So I am going to continue Let Go. More will be revealed.

Thanks for all your good wishes.
XO