I got the POWAH!

Thanks everyone for stopping by and offering your wisdom regarding my evil MIL. I so appreciate your advice. Even my husband is on edge a little and it's his mother! Look at the power we've given this woman! Hey, I want my POWAH back! And listen, I got my breast MRI results back and they are clean, my mammogram is clean and my ultrasound, too. My son is turning eight this weekend. I'm going to get him a lizard or a hamster or something. I'm sober for somewhere around 60 days. The days are getting longer and sunnier. Things are GOOD, man! I'm just going to take troll-woman one minute at a time, one day at time. Piece of piss! Easy-peezy lemon squeezy. Well, no, maybe not easy, but simple? Yes.

Sunlight

I want the sunlight....

. . . harboring resentment is infinitely grave. For then we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. AS BILL SEES IT, p. 5

I'm going to get down on my knees and pray to overcome this resentment towards my MIL.

Willingness for willingness

I'm still sober and content and serene. There were some moments where I wasn't so serene. But going to the gym and working out like a maniac helps. Here's the deal. My mother-in-law is flying in from England on May 2. Usually when she is around, my husband and I have a major drinkfest. After what? 9 years, she's still angry at me for trapping her only child in my web of seduction, forcing him to have kids with me and live in the US. She's so stupid, if she wasn't so rotten, I'd consider living in the UK. But in reality, it wouldn't matter if I was English and lived in England, she would still be awful to me.

My MIL is a mean, hateful troll. She's said and done so many, many nasty things over the years. I cannot stand her. I hate having her in my house. She's negative and critical and she's a complete nutter. Seriously. Just typing this, my whole body has tensed up.

I'm really not worried about drinking when she's around. She doesn't know that I'm in AA, but she does know I'm a major lush. I'm worried about what to do with all the resentment and negative feelings I have when she's on the scene. My AA friend said to imagine her sick, as if she's vomiting and has poopy pants. But that doesn't make me feel compassion for her. I'm just disgusted by her even more when I think of her that way.

My sponsor said I should pray for her. I should pray that my MIL can feel some of the peace and serenity I've been feeling. But I'm not that enlightened yet. So my sponsor said to pray for the willingness to be willing to pray for her. I don't want to do that, I really, really don't. I mean I can hardly say the words, I'm choking on them. Yuck.

But I also know that all of my bad feelings for her are really not good for me and my sobriety. So I'm going to pray to be willing to pray for her. Ech. But I'll be damned if that beast takes my sobriety. Damn! Damn her! I'm not feeling so serene and content anymore. Damn.

Fine

Fine day. 52, 53 sober days now? I'm not sure. Sober, content and serene today. Thank God. I'm so grateful. So very, very grateful.

Uplifted

I went to a meeting tonight. I had not been to a meeting since last Tuesday. I was too sick and then I put family before the meetings. I am still sober. 51 days today. I had a drinking dream last night. In the dream, I thought I only had two drinks, but then I couldn't remember how I got home. I decided the next day to go back on the wagon, so I lied to everybody and said I was still sober. Of course, everyone saw through my lies. It was scary. I really felt drunk in the dream!

I was talking to a friend from AA today and we were saying how much we both needed a meeting really soon. It is hard for me to describe how I feel when I am at a meeting. Relaxed, relieved, understood are some of the words that come to mind.

A gentleman shared this evening about attending AA meetings in Rio. He went to one being held in English and then a guy asked him if he wanted to go to the one that was in Portuguese. Even though he could not understand a word being said, he was uplifted. He described it as part of his spiritual experience in AA. I can relate to that completely. Uplifted is how I feel at meetings.

Today I am so very grateful that

I am still sober after 51 days

My antibiotics worked and I feel better than I have in about two months

My son's eye issue has resolved itself, which is good because I was not able to get any medication in his eyes.

Even though both of my kids are home on spring break, I was content today. That would have NEVER happened in my drinking days.

I am going to what has been described as a very big, very powerful AA meeting in Manhattan tomorrow night with a fine group of AA women.

I went to dinner on sat. night to celebrate a friend's birthday and both of my "normie" friends chose not to drink to support me. Solidarity baby!

My husband had his bitches over for poker on Fri. night and I was FINE with it! I actually sat with them a while until they kicked me out for asking if anyone wanted a non-alcoholic beverage. LOL!

Even though the weather is beautiful and a nice cold beer would be nice while sitting outside, I KNOW that acting on that thought will lead me to a very sad and desolate place. And I accept that today, who the hell knows what tomorrow will bring.

There is no doubt in my mind that I would have none of the above if not for my Higher Power.

Grateful

Today I am grateful :

Finally going to the doctor and getting some bad-ass antibiotics for bronchitis & sinus infection

That a Pediatric Optometrist squeezed in an appointment for my three year old today

That said Dr. thinks the bumps on my son's bloodshot eyeballs are from allergies

That I can say the Serenity Prayer for me and my son while I force eye drops into his both eyes 4x/day

That we have health insurance that pays for Dr. visits and meds

That me and my son can take our meds and get better, this too shall pass

For the group of AA women that invited me to dinner tonight, but I had to pass cuz I'm sick

That one of said women is dropping off some CD's from the program for me while I convalecse

For my friend who invited me to her bookclub meeting tonight, but I had to pass

For my BFF, J.

That me and my friend D are talking again

My husband

My cozy bed

Sobriety bloggers

46 days sobriety

MRI

I had to go for a breast MRI today. I have a very strong family history of breast cancer, my mom was around my age when she was first diagnosed. It's just to see if they can find any cancer really, really early. I'm not worried, I don't worry about these tests until I hear there's something to worry about.

It's not the most pleasant of tests. First they start an IV, which they had a v. hard time doing. Really hard. I almost passed out from that. Everything was going black and the woman was saying something about alcohol. She freaked me out, I didn't know if she was offering me a drink, or she was saying they were having a hard time with the IV because I drank too much alcohol. Turns out she was asking me if I wanted to sniff some alcohol to not faint!! LMAO.

Then you have to lay on your stomach, with your arms over your head, with IV in one arm and your other hand holding the panic button. Your breasts hang out through the bottom of the table and there's a head rest to rest your face on. Nice image, huh?

Then they slide you in a tunnel like thing for 40 freakin' minutes and it makes all sorts of terrible crazy noises. The point is, I almost freaked out, when they slid me in there, seriously, I was still fuzzy from the IV debacle and I'm terribly claustrophic. I was about to push the panic button, but I started saying the serenity prayer, and praying and talking myself off the ledge.

Seriously, I don't think I could have gone through with it if I was still getting drunk every night, hungover everyday. But I started to feel a sense of calm, like I wasn't trapped in there all alone, that I had someone watching over me. Shit, if I can resist a drink, I can lay in a noisy tunnel, in some crazy awkward position, right?

And it's a good thing I told them to put my Massive Attack CD on instead of the soundtrack to Brokeback Mountain, because it was loud in there, I would have never been able to hear Brokeback Mountain.

Still sober and it's 44 days baby!