I'm so grateful............
For My Higher Power
That I am sober
My family and I are healthy
I have everything I need
For Beautiful sunny days
J. (who lost her sobriety after 18 years) just moved into a shelter was at a meeting this morning and I gave her my number b/c she is not happy at her new "home"
A posh woman from my gym drove up to the meeting in her v. posh car, scared sh*tless b/c she was coming to her first AA mtg. and I got to walk in with her.
For my friends
That I am hopeful and happy
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Thursday, May 24, 2007
A process
Somewhere in New Jersey at an AA meeting today:
Me: I'm 4 classes away from my masters and my workout and meeting schedules are all bolluxed up. I have to put my sobriety first and sometimes being an alcoholic just sucks. WAH, WAH, WAH...
F: I learned a lot more from AA than I did from my masters degree.
As I'm walking to my car from the meeting, J. who's moving into a shelter tomorrow says. "Yea, doesn't being an alcoholic suck sometimes? But your sobriety is a gift. I was sober for 18 years and I started to drink again, and for the life of me I can't get sober again."
Later that same day:
Me to my sponsor: I was stressing out about how to do everything I want to do, and be a good mom, and put my sobriety first. Then I remembered that I have a Higher Power and I don't have to worry about all that stuff. I can trust my Higher Power that everything's going to be ok.
My sponsor: Yup, that's right. And what takes you away from AA will be taken away from you by alcohol.
I was being an ungrateful brat. I was jeopardizing my sobriety. I was trying to run the show. I am grateful beyond words to be a part of AA and to get my butt kicked back in line today. Sobriety is a process.
Me: I'm 4 classes away from my masters and my workout and meeting schedules are all bolluxed up. I have to put my sobriety first and sometimes being an alcoholic just sucks. WAH, WAH, WAH...
F: I learned a lot more from AA than I did from my masters degree.
As I'm walking to my car from the meeting, J. who's moving into a shelter tomorrow says. "Yea, doesn't being an alcoholic suck sometimes? But your sobriety is a gift. I was sober for 18 years and I started to drink again, and for the life of me I can't get sober again."
Later that same day:
Me to my sponsor: I was stressing out about how to do everything I want to do, and be a good mom, and put my sobriety first. Then I remembered that I have a Higher Power and I don't have to worry about all that stuff. I can trust my Higher Power that everything's going to be ok.
My sponsor: Yup, that's right. And what takes you away from AA will be taken away from you by alcohol.
I was being an ungrateful brat. I was jeopardizing my sobriety. I was trying to run the show. I am grateful beyond words to be a part of AA and to get my butt kicked back in line today. Sobriety is a process.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Quickie
I have a class at night now. Mon. Tues and Thurs. It's throwing off my meeting and workout schedule and I'm crochety about it. So I got a big fat candy bar, ate almost all of it and when I peeled away the final bits of wrapper, there was a frickin' larvae type worm thing crawling around. Not the consolation I was looking for. Serves me right for pigging out on chocolate, I learned my lesson. Won't be doing THAT again!
I want this to end. I want to be done being an alcoholic. Pam is right, sometimes sobriety is exhausting. But I want to be sober more than I want to drink so I'm good. Went to a meeting tonight, 3 guys just coming back. It was good to be there. It's a miracle any of us get and stay sober.
I'm going to hold on tight to my program. Gotta go do my homework. Sigh.
I want this to end. I want to be done being an alcoholic. Pam is right, sometimes sobriety is exhausting. But I want to be sober more than I want to drink so I'm good. Went to a meeting tonight, 3 guys just coming back. It was good to be there. It's a miracle any of us get and stay sober.
I'm going to hold on tight to my program. Gotta go do my homework. Sigh.
Monday, May 21, 2007
ABC's
Ahhh- the work of Lushgurl...I got tagged by Shadow, I'll get you two for this!!!!!
A- Attached or Single? - I don't like that word "attached", but I am
B- Best Friend- J, she's so smart and funny and sweet and loyal and thinks I'm cool
C- Cake or Pie- Cake, carrot cake, canoli cake, chocolate cake
D-Drink of choice- tea, hot or iced and half case of seltzer a week since sober
E- Essential Items- a wire hanger and a swiss army knife
F- Favorite color- green and/or blue or a combo of both
G- Gummi Bears or Worms- Twizzlers are MUCH better than either Bears or Worms
H- Hometown- Ardmore, PA
I-Indulgence- Regular coke, so much caffiene and sugar, so decadent!
J- January or February?- January, a new start.
K- Kids- 2 boys, 3 and half and eight years old, they are my whole world!
L- Life is incomplete without- Love, sex and rock n roll
M- Marriage Date- Nov. 7th, 1998
N-Number of Siblings- 3 most excellent younger bros.,
O- Oranges or Apples?- Apples, sweeter, better texture & crunch for oral fixation
P- Phobias/Fears- Injections, I pass out from them, even if I'm laying down.
Q- Favorite Quote- "Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower, we will grieve not, rather find, strenght in what remains behind". Wordsworth
R- Reason to Smile- waking up sober, hugging and kissing my kids, having a cup of tea, in that order
S- Seasons- gotta be summer. i love the long, hot days, the lazy sunsets, dusk, the garden, night times outdoors, swimming, not having to put layers and layers of clothes on, driving my car with the roof down, ice cream, the heat! (this is Shadow's answer, and I stole it from her)
T- Tags- Hmmm, jeez, I don't know, I'll have to think about that one.....
U- Unknown fact about me- I have psychic abilities
V- Vegetarian or oppressor of animals? - Veggie, but my husband's a carnivore
W-Worst Habit- Not flushing the toilet, it took forever to get hot water after a flush in the house I grew up in. (great way to piss off a bro. havng a shower, hee hee) Hubby's not pleased, but I always blame it on the kids.
X-X-rays or ultrasounds- ultrasounds, aren't Xrays radioactive or something?
Y- Your Favorite Food- cheese and crackers and olives and grapes
Z- Zodiac- Cancer
A- Attached or Single? - I don't like that word "attached", but I am
B- Best Friend- J, she's so smart and funny and sweet and loyal and thinks I'm cool
C- Cake or Pie- Cake, carrot cake, canoli cake, chocolate cake
D-Drink of choice- tea, hot or iced and half case of seltzer a week since sober
E- Essential Items- a wire hanger and a swiss army knife
F- Favorite color- green and/or blue or a combo of both
G- Gummi Bears or Worms- Twizzlers are MUCH better than either Bears or Worms
H- Hometown- Ardmore, PA
I-Indulgence- Regular coke, so much caffiene and sugar, so decadent!
J- January or February?- January, a new start.
K- Kids- 2 boys, 3 and half and eight years old, they are my whole world!
L- Life is incomplete without- Love, sex and rock n roll
M- Marriage Date- Nov. 7th, 1998
N-Number of Siblings- 3 most excellent younger bros.,
O- Oranges or Apples?- Apples, sweeter, better texture & crunch for oral fixation
P- Phobias/Fears- Injections, I pass out from them, even if I'm laying down.
Q- Favorite Quote- "Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower, we will grieve not, rather find, strenght in what remains behind". Wordsworth
R- Reason to Smile- waking up sober, hugging and kissing my kids, having a cup of tea, in that order
S- Seasons- gotta be summer. i love the long, hot days, the lazy sunsets, dusk, the garden, night times outdoors, swimming, not having to put layers and layers of clothes on, driving my car with the roof down, ice cream, the heat! (this is Shadow's answer, and I stole it from her)
T- Tags- Hmmm, jeez, I don't know, I'll have to think about that one.....
U- Unknown fact about me- I have psychic abilities
V- Vegetarian or oppressor of animals? - Veggie, but my husband's a carnivore
W-Worst Habit- Not flushing the toilet, it took forever to get hot water after a flush in the house I grew up in. (great way to piss off a bro. havng a shower, hee hee) Hubby's not pleased, but I always blame it on the kids.
X-X-rays or ultrasounds- ultrasounds, aren't Xrays radioactive or something?
Y- Your Favorite Food- cheese and crackers and olives and grapes
Z- Zodiac- Cancer
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Looking....
I'm looking for that feeling of spirituality that I had a while ago. I'm praying and reading the BB. I'm sure it's all around me, I just need to tune in. 78 days sober. My HP is definitely with me, I just don't feel as serene and spiritual as I did before. I know it's going to be okay.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
My trigger, my son
Sorry this is a little long, and this is the abridged version...haha...
My oldest son L. just turned eight. He is intense. VERY, VERY intense. He has been this way since the second he popped out of my body. He was never really able to soothe himself as a baby and it's sort of continued to this day. This is a MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR trigger for me.
My son has been assessed as "gifted". This is great, but it is also a curse. I think one of the reasons he's gifted is because he takes a lot in. He has invisible feelers, he can pick up on the tension or the joy in a room. He grasps things easily and remembers everything! But it's a burden for him because he feels things intensely. He has moments where he gets "the thing", which is an overwhelming feeling of sadness or worry or anxiety or all of these emotions at the same time. I talk him "off the ledge" so to speak, or I have him draw a picture about it (which has resulted in him being a really great artist) or other things to calm him down. I held him back a year in school because emotionally he was not ready, he was hitting himself in preschool when he got stressed.
I will do anything for my kids and I've gone to great lengths to help my son. Books, therapy sessions, anything, etc. etc. I used to pray for HP to take from me whatever it took to help my son feel good and at peace and to please help my son.
My son is in a tailspin about something right now. Last night I talked to my therapist about it and I'm getting really, really sick of people telling me shit like, let him know you love him, give him reassurance, set limits, talk it out, don't talk it out with him blah blah blah. Eight years I've been doing whatever I can for this kid and it is never enough. His need is bottomless. No matter how much I give, it is never enough for him and he sucks me dry. I am left utterly spent. I need acknowledgment that his needs are special and unique and not the run of the mill bullshit you can hear on Oprah for Pete's sake.
My therapist says maybe he's anxious because I was drinking and couldn't address his needs. Bullshit. And I say no I didn't drink like this eight years ago. I did not drink then to check out. When my son is "off" it's a trigger for me. I'm looking for a way in sobriety to deal with it instead of checking out with a bottle of wine. For fuck sake!
I have a brother with a similar disposition. He was diagnosed as bi-polar or schizophrenic or a combo of the two. I haven't seen or spoken to my brother in three years. He doesn't want me and my other brothers to know where he is because he paranoid. I check the John Doe's in the state where I think he's living to see if there are any unclaimed bodies that might be my brother. He breaks my heart.
I am scared shitless that my son is going to take his first drink and FINALLY be able to soothe himself and become an alky like me, or he'll end up being committed like my brother was. My son is terrific and has a lot of really great qualities, but when something bothers him, it rocks his whole world. When his world is rocking, so is mine. I am too emeshed with him, I feel his pain and hurts.
Sorry for the long rant, I want the peace of mind, acceptance, spiritual solution many of you have found in sobriety. It's the only way I can deal with this particular trigger. I had no desire to drink over this yesterday. 75 kickass sober days!
My oldest son L. just turned eight. He is intense. VERY, VERY intense. He has been this way since the second he popped out of my body. He was never really able to soothe himself as a baby and it's sort of continued to this day. This is a MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR trigger for me.
My son has been assessed as "gifted". This is great, but it is also a curse. I think one of the reasons he's gifted is because he takes a lot in. He has invisible feelers, he can pick up on the tension or the joy in a room. He grasps things easily and remembers everything! But it's a burden for him because he feels things intensely. He has moments where he gets "the thing", which is an overwhelming feeling of sadness or worry or anxiety or all of these emotions at the same time. I talk him "off the ledge" so to speak, or I have him draw a picture about it (which has resulted in him being a really great artist) or other things to calm him down. I held him back a year in school because emotionally he was not ready, he was hitting himself in preschool when he got stressed.
I will do anything for my kids and I've gone to great lengths to help my son. Books, therapy sessions, anything, etc. etc. I used to pray for HP to take from me whatever it took to help my son feel good and at peace and to please help my son.
My son is in a tailspin about something right now. Last night I talked to my therapist about it and I'm getting really, really sick of people telling me shit like, let him know you love him, give him reassurance, set limits, talk it out, don't talk it out with him blah blah blah. Eight years I've been doing whatever I can for this kid and it is never enough. His need is bottomless. No matter how much I give, it is never enough for him and he sucks me dry. I am left utterly spent. I need acknowledgment that his needs are special and unique and not the run of the mill bullshit you can hear on Oprah for Pete's sake.
My therapist says maybe he's anxious because I was drinking and couldn't address his needs. Bullshit. And I say no I didn't drink like this eight years ago. I did not drink then to check out. When my son is "off" it's a trigger for me. I'm looking for a way in sobriety to deal with it instead of checking out with a bottle of wine. For fuck sake!
I have a brother with a similar disposition. He was diagnosed as bi-polar or schizophrenic or a combo of the two. I haven't seen or spoken to my brother in three years. He doesn't want me and my other brothers to know where he is because he paranoid. I check the John Doe's in the state where I think he's living to see if there are any unclaimed bodies that might be my brother. He breaks my heart.
I am scared shitless that my son is going to take his first drink and FINALLY be able to soothe himself and become an alky like me, or he'll end up being committed like my brother was. My son is terrific and has a lot of really great qualities, but when something bothers him, it rocks his whole world. When his world is rocking, so is mine. I am too emeshed with him, I feel his pain and hurts.
Sorry for the long rant, I want the peace of mind, acceptance, spiritual solution many of you have found in sobriety. It's the only way I can deal with this particular trigger. I had no desire to drink over this yesterday. 75 kickass sober days!
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Working with Others
"Let your friends know they are not to change their habits on your account. At a proper time and place explain to all your friends why alcohol disagrees with you. If you do this thoroughly, few people will ask you to drink. While you were drinking, you were withdrawing from life little by little. Now you are getting back into the social life of this world. Don't start to withdraw again just because your friends drink liquor". BB pg. 102
I have two best friends. The three of us did a lot of "research" trying to disprove that I'm an alcoholic. Believe me, we were thorough in our research. I tried a lot of things, only drinking on the weekends, only drinking light beer, being the designated driver. But alas, on my knees bloody and bruised, I had to admit I am, in fact, an alcoholic. The three of us have only gone out once together in the 73 days since I've been sober. And seriously, they were way more worried about it than I was. They felt like they needed to go to an Al-Anon meeting before we went to dinner. I told them they could carry on as usual, but they would not drink while we were out.
My sponsor says I am lucky that my friends don't feel comfortable drinking around me and that they are giving me a gift I should accept. I'll listen to my sponsor because she knows more than I do. However, I don't think my friends should feel they need to shield me from their drinking. I have my sober peeps on the other end of the phone and I'm in a good place spiritually right now. I'm not trying to put myself around alcohol "to steal a little vicarious pleasure from the atmosphere". I just don't want my friends to feel so awkward when we are together in a nice restaurant celebrating a birthday or something. It's just early days I guess.
I have two best friends. The three of us did a lot of "research" trying to disprove that I'm an alcoholic. Believe me, we were thorough in our research. I tried a lot of things, only drinking on the weekends, only drinking light beer, being the designated driver. But alas, on my knees bloody and bruised, I had to admit I am, in fact, an alcoholic. The three of us have only gone out once together in the 73 days since I've been sober. And seriously, they were way more worried about it than I was. They felt like they needed to go to an Al-Anon meeting before we went to dinner. I told them they could carry on as usual, but they would not drink while we were out.
My sponsor says I am lucky that my friends don't feel comfortable drinking around me and that they are giving me a gift I should accept. I'll listen to my sponsor because she knows more than I do. However, I don't think my friends should feel they need to shield me from their drinking. I have my sober peeps on the other end of the phone and I'm in a good place spiritually right now. I'm not trying to put myself around alcohol "to steal a little vicarious pleasure from the atmosphere". I just don't want my friends to feel so awkward when we are together in a nice restaurant celebrating a birthday or something. It's just early days I guess.
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