I Give Up

I hate this, but it's true. I really can't drink like a normal person. I have too much to lose to continue drinking. After yet another failed attempt at controlling my drinking, I just have to give it up. I'm so sick of trying to control it, and all the self-loathing that goes along with failing. I'm so sick of it. I'm not ready to never drink again, but maybe I never will be. I don't want to even take a chance at ruining this holiday by getting wasted and pissing off my husband and blacking it all out and feeling like hell etc. etc.. It's actually easier to go to an event and just say, I'm not drinking, than to go and try to control it. How pathetic is that. I feel strong and hopeful now, I just hope I feel this way at all the get togethers and company that is coming up. Guess I need a plan, working out, praying, sleeping.....I haven't worked my nerve up to an AA meeting yet. Is that the only way?

Is it possible that at some point in the past I could have controlled my drinking, but I never tried and now my liver looks like swiss cheese and now there's not a snowball's chance in hell that I can ever control it now? Is there some sort of window-of-drinking-normally opportunity that I missed? I guess it doesn't really matter at this point anyway.

Taking the Edge Off

Just trying to get through the day. Normally, I would start to drink about now. Just a beer or some wine. This is the "witching hour" the time when the kids and I are at the end of our tethers. However, my husband is away and has threatened to divorce me if I continue to drink like a fish. I could drink anyway, but I've made a promise to myself not to drink during the week. Only one more hour and then I'll take the kids to the gym with me. By the time we get home, it will be time for them to go to bed. Then I won't want to drink as much anyway and I'll go to bed relieved that I made it through today and I'll have a clear head tomorrow.

I have to behave myself now or my friends, brother and husband will be all over me. Plus, I will probably end up seriously injuring myself or someone else. I've been reading the sobriety blogs for a looong time now. I know that I should go to an AA meeting and stop drinking forever. But I'm not ready to do that yet. I still want to drink like a normal person. Though I have to put all sorts of limitations on myself. Like no drinking during the week. Only buying a bottle of wine if someone is around to share it with me, because otherwise I'll drink the whole thing -for sure. Ha, how normal is that? But there is a difference between wanting to check out and wanting to take the edge off, right? That's all I want to do is take the edge off, but I'm starting to think my edges are way sharper and dangerous than other people's.