Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Claws are in

Okay, deep breath. Easy. I cannot change the things I or my husband have done in the past. If the sky falls in or some other catastrophe happens, it is my decision to drink or not to drink. I feel the same way about his adultry and I'm sick of him putting it on me. But you know what? It's his decision to make, not mine. I'm not in charge of his thoughts or his feelings or his opinions.

I am accepting that this is the way everything is meant to be at this moment and that my HP has a plan for me. I don't have to put my will all over this, HP's got it handled already.

I have to keep my mouth shut and do the next right thing. Attraction, not promotion. I am so frickin grateful for this program and this way of life!

Thy will be done, thy will be done, thy will be done, they will be done, thy will be done..........

Sharp Claws

My claws are out and sharpened. At our last marriage counseling session my husband said that he is bummed out that he has to deal with the fact that I'm an alcoholic for the rest of his life.

Damn! Angry doesn't even begin to cover how I feel about that. I know I'm not supposed to take his inventory, but I'm going to here to deal with the fury I feel towards him at this point.

When I first found out about his affair, he said it happened because I'm an alcoholic. That doesn't fly with me. If he is/was so miserable, he can get divorced, he can go to counseling, he can go to al-anon, he could even, horror of all horrors, discuss his unhappiness with me. But to blame his adultry on my alcoholism is a copout. There is nothing that he could say or do that will make me think it's okay to have a relationship outside of our marriage with someone else's husband, and plan on ditching my kids and him to start another life.

So now he's come around to the point where he doesn't directly blame his affair on my alcoholism. Now it's that he was so angry about things that happened during my drinking, that when the opportunity to cheat presented itself, anything inside him that would have stopped him from committing adultry was no longer there. Hmmm.

He told me this morning that he knows I will relapse one day, as alcoholic relapses are inevitable. I told him that I work on my sobriety every day, one day at a time. And I am bummed that I have to deal with one day at a time something pissing him off or upsetting him so that his moral code might again become over-ridden.

I have to deal everyday with the fact that not only is he a liar and cheater, but he has not taken responsibility for it. And as long as he doesn't, there is always a chance that he will cheat again.

He traded me sexual favors for alcohol and then took pictures of me when I was passed out. He would show the pix the next day to show me what a mess I was, and tell me that I should sort me self out. He was absolutely wretched to me. And this is a man who can spend hours looking up some gadget crap on the internet, but he cant tell you the first thing about alcoholism. MFer.

Then I go to AA, the best thing that ever happened to him and what does he do? He gets himself a married girlfriend and plots to leave me and my kids. When I catch him, he blames it on me. We were on the phone with his slut's husband and the guy asks "how did this happen?" and my husband says to me, "why don't you tell him" and like an ahole, I say "what b/c I'm an alcoholic?" and my husband says exactly. I actually told this guy that his wife and my husband were fooling around b/c I'm an alky.

He has done NOTHING to support my sobriety, he has alcohol all the time, drinks on all of our dates etc.

I'm angry. Gotta go for now!

Tuesday, January 1, 2008


I am so incredibly grateful to be sober today. Other than two times when I was preggers, this is the first time in my adult life I've woken up hangover free on New Year's Day.

I'm so blessed. I'm so grateful. Gotta pass it on.

Happy New Year, yo!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Still sober

Jeez, I can't believe it's been such a long time. I got REALLY bogged down with school work and I"m just coming up for air! Such a lot of great things have been happening in sobriety. I"ve only been at this for nine months and life is so much better than I ever thought it could be. By the grace of my HP I am still sober. I am so incredibly grateful for my sobriety, AA, my AA peeps, my friends and family! NOw that the sememster is over I hope to stop over everyone's blogs and see how yuz guys are going.

Bye for now!

Monday, November 12, 2007

I didn't know I didn't know

Every time I talk to my sponsor about me and my husband, she doesn't hear me. She hears "marital issues" and starts talking about me trying to be the director, me forgetting that God has a plan, blah blah. Sometimes, she's right and she's said it so many times that I'm pretty careful about what I say to her about my husband and me.

I was speaking to her a couple weeks ago about me and my husband. I had this beautiful story about how my husband was upset with me and we were going on a date. Another AA suggested I invite my HP as a chaperon and to speak to my husband with love from my heart. And it turned out to be a really great date.

Anyway, I was hardly into the story when my sponsor starts with all the stuff that really ticks me off when I feel she's not listening. So I told her that. And she FLIPPED OUT! She really got really really mad. She told me to do a 4th step on her and call her back and let her know what my part in all of it was. I just got to the 4th step, I'd never done one before.

So after talking to a couple of other AA's I called her the next day and told her that I wasn't accepting of her limitations and attitudes when I speak with her about my husband and I keep repeating the same scenario over and over. (she was a serial adulteress when she was active and I really don't think she can stand to hear about my feelings about being cheated on...I didn't say THAT to her!!)

She FLIPPED OUT again. I mean she really went round the bend. Now this was my very first 4th step ever. And I really didn't mean to upset her, I'm just learning this stuff. She said no, your part is that you want me to tell you your husband's an a-hole and I'm not gonna do that because that helps no one. I told her I have plenty of people not in AA who are more than happy to tell me my husband's an a-hole, I don't need to hear that from my sponsor.

She told me that I yelled at her and attacked her. I said, That's so funny, b/c that's what I feel like you did to me! She said no, you did it to me. blah blah. She said I'm not going to even continue this conversation with you, I have never had a situation like this with a sponsee before. And I said, How come you're swearing I yelled at you and attacked you, therefore it's true, but I can't feel like you did the same thing to me? Is it your way only?

Well......she was none to receptive to that. I mean she seriously was blowing a major gasket on the other end of the phone. So she told me to call her sponsor because she couldn't continue our conversation. So now I call her sponsor, crying, all upset. I told her that I didn't yell at or attack my sponsor but I felt v. yelled and attacked by her and how could we move forward from this complete impasse?

Her sponsor told me to accept that my sponsor THINKS I yelled at her. Hmmmm. I can do that. And with that little crack in the door I was able to get back to work and look for my part in it. Did I say she doesn't listen to me in a harsh way? Did I let resentment build up? Am I not hearing her? Do I feel "not heard" in my marriage or other relationships?

The next day my sponsor called me and said, I'm sorry if I was not as calm as I wanted to be, I felt threatened. And I told her, I'm sorry if I said things too harshly, I didn't mean to come across in a mean way or to hurt your feelings. Then we saw each other a couple days later in a meeting and hugged and cried. We're both very dramatic and emotional. We said that we could learn a lot from each other and together we'll be rocketed into the 5th dimension.

I still have to get back to my sponsor's sponsor with my 4th step work on this situation, but I'm still learning about it and thinking about it. I didn't know how much I didn't know, but now I know how much I don't know. I'm grateful to have this program and fellowship to help me learn and get closer to my Higher Power.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

My AA Bro

I have a sober family. It is a network of people and we are all connected by our sponsors. I have a sober brother who is straight who is sponsored by a gay woman. Lately, we have been going to a lot of the same meetings and spending a lot of time together and we have a really good time. We make each other laugh a lot and we talk about the program a lot. He hasn't had a drink in 25 years and but he's only been working with a sponsor for about a year.

Anyway, the problem is, I find myself thinking about him a lot. Not in a romantic way or a sexual way. But about the things that we talk about. Like books, movies, sobriety, things that my husband really isn't interested in. My husband will listen to me talk about these things, but sort of with a strained look on his face. Like he wants to be supportive and listen, but he could really care less.

I find myself wanting to call my AA brother when I think of something funny or when I have a spare minute. I would rather go to the movies with him then with my husband. My husband and I are going to marriage counseling since his affair. I find myself being disappointed in my husband because we don't connect on an intellectual level. My relationship with my AA brother helps me to see what is missing in my marriage.


Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Just beginning

I am so grateful to be sober today. Already, 7 months into sobriety I am doing things that were unthinkable when I was in the thick of my disease. For example, I was able to go to the grocery store after I dropped my son off at school. I could have never done that this time last year. I was actually excited going to the grocery store! They were baking bread in there and it smelled great! The produce looked so beautiful, the bus load of senior citizens did not frustrate me!

I found a new babysitter through a woman in the rooms. I just couldn't seem to find anyone reliable a year ago.

Now this is big, I make dinner before I pick my kids up from school and then go to get the babysitter, then I leave for school!!! Whoa, really I do. I didn't do much cooking when I came into the rooms because cooking dinner was a big trigger for me!

These are mundane things that people take for granted, yet I was not capable of consistently coordinating these things this time last year. In fact, I had to drop my class last year. I stayed home and drank every night instead.

And now I have a fellowship, sober friends, conscious contact with my Higher Power, love, hope and this is only the beginning.