Monday, November 12, 2007

I didn't know I didn't know

Every time I talk to my sponsor about me and my husband, she doesn't hear me. She hears "marital issues" and starts talking about me trying to be the director, me forgetting that God has a plan, blah blah. Sometimes, she's right and she's said it so many times that I'm pretty careful about what I say to her about my husband and me.

I was speaking to her a couple weeks ago about me and my husband. I had this beautiful story about how my husband was upset with me and we were going on a date. Another AA suggested I invite my HP as a chaperon and to speak to my husband with love from my heart. And it turned out to be a really great date.

Anyway, I was hardly into the story when my sponsor starts with all the stuff that really ticks me off when I feel she's not listening. So I told her that. And she FLIPPED OUT! She really got really really mad. She told me to do a 4th step on her and call her back and let her know what my part in all of it was. I just got to the 4th step, I'd never done one before.

So after talking to a couple of other AA's I called her the next day and told her that I wasn't accepting of her limitations and attitudes when I speak with her about my husband and I keep repeating the same scenario over and over. (she was a serial adulteress when she was active and I really don't think she can stand to hear about my feelings about being cheated on...I didn't say THAT to her!!)

She FLIPPED OUT again. I mean she really went round the bend. Now this was my very first 4th step ever. And I really didn't mean to upset her, I'm just learning this stuff. She said no, your part is that you want me to tell you your husband's an a-hole and I'm not gonna do that because that helps no one. I told her I have plenty of people not in AA who are more than happy to tell me my husband's an a-hole, I don't need to hear that from my sponsor.

She told me that I yelled at her and attacked her. I said, That's so funny, b/c that's what I feel like you did to me! She said no, you did it to me. blah blah. She said I'm not going to even continue this conversation with you, I have never had a situation like this with a sponsee before. And I said, How come you're swearing I yelled at you and attacked you, therefore it's true, but I can't feel like you did the same thing to me? Is it your way only?

Well......she was none to receptive to that. I mean she seriously was blowing a major gasket on the other end of the phone. So she told me to call her sponsor because she couldn't continue our conversation. So now I call her sponsor, crying, all upset. I told her that I didn't yell at or attack my sponsor but I felt v. yelled and attacked by her and how could we move forward from this complete impasse?

Her sponsor told me to accept that my sponsor THINKS I yelled at her. Hmmmm. I can do that. And with that little crack in the door I was able to get back to work and look for my part in it. Did I say she doesn't listen to me in a harsh way? Did I let resentment build up? Am I not hearing her? Do I feel "not heard" in my marriage or other relationships?

The next day my sponsor called me and said, I'm sorry if I was not as calm as I wanted to be, I felt threatened. And I told her, I'm sorry if I said things too harshly, I didn't mean to come across in a mean way or to hurt your feelings. Then we saw each other a couple days later in a meeting and hugged and cried. We're both very dramatic and emotional. We said that we could learn a lot from each other and together we'll be rocketed into the 5th dimension.

I still have to get back to my sponsor's sponsor with my 4th step work on this situation, but I'm still learning about it and thinking about it. I didn't know how much I didn't know, but now I know how much I don't know. I'm grateful to have this program and fellowship to help me learn and get closer to my Higher Power.

7 comments:

Shadow said...

wow. that sound icky!!!! i'd have switched sponsors right there and then... but i'm clueless about how the sponsor/sponsee thing works, so don't listen to me. best of all though, you are still sober. a big YIPHEEE for that!

dAAve said...

At least you guys sorta made up.
I don't have a clue how much I don't know and frankly, I doubt I ever will.

A friend of Bill W. said...

Been there n done that with mine too, very similar situation, but neither of us had really 'heard' what the other said... therefore we both THOUGHT we knew what the other was saying and of course it was worked thru and crying helped us each move on...

I hated the pain and hurt we each felt, but with the help of our AA tools and the WILLINGNESS to accept...(which I now liken to your crack in that door) we were both able to walk THRU the pain and not let it become a seething, poisonous resentment.

Remember, resentments can KILL us...

You're on my list of blessings this Thanksgiving season, and am proud to see you progressing!!! We CAN do this deal!!! T-O-G-E-T-H-E-R!

You helped her learn and vice versa...

GOD is doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves...

All my love and many, many hugs,
~Shugrr

Recovery Road London said...

Pesky sponsors.

Kinda what Dave said, really.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Hey. hope all is well over where you are..
keep us posted..

Recovery Road London said...

Just stopping by to say Hi.

Hi.

Take it easy, thinking of you.

Merry Christmas!