I hate this, but it's true. I really can't drink like a normal person. I have too much to lose to continue drinking. After yet another failed attempt at controlling my drinking, I just have to give it up. I'm so sick of trying to control it, and all the self-loathing that goes along with failing. I'm so sick of it. I'm not ready to never drink again, but maybe I never will be. I don't want to even take a chance at ruining this holiday by getting wasted and pissing off my husband and blacking it all out and feeling like hell etc. etc.. It's actually easier to go to an event and just say, I'm not drinking, than to go and try to control it. How pathetic is that. I feel strong and hopeful now, I just hope I feel this way at all the get togethers and company that is coming up. Guess I need a plan, working out, praying, sleeping.....I haven't worked my nerve up to an AA meeting yet. Is that the only way?
Is it possible that at some point in the past I could have controlled my drinking, but I never tried and now my liver looks like swiss cheese and now there's not a snowball's chance in hell that I can ever control it now? Is there some sort of window-of-drinking-normally opportunity that I missed? I guess it doesn't really matter at this point anyway.
1 comment:
Hi Clarity! It took a LOT of courage for you to comment on my blog tonight -- good for you! I can relate 100% to how you feel. We're even the same age.
You're not alone in what you're going through. If you've been reading recovery blogs, maybe you've seen how every single one of us sober drunks have been exactly where you are -- the jumping off point: can't imagine life without alcohol, can't imagine more life with it.
It's scary as hell contemplating going to AA. I grew up in an AA household and I was still terrified out of my mind walking into my first meeting on July 5, 2005, shaking and crying (I chose a women's meeting -- felt safer).
Pleae, please email me at humblelush@gmail.com if you'd like to write privately. You've taken a big step reaching out tonight! I'm here for you and so are others (including your HP, who loves you).
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