I didn't know I didn't know

Every time I talk to my sponsor about me and my husband, she doesn't hear me. She hears "marital issues" and starts talking about me trying to be the director, me forgetting that God has a plan, blah blah. Sometimes, she's right and she's said it so many times that I'm pretty careful about what I say to her about my husband and me.

I was speaking to her a couple weeks ago about me and my husband. I had this beautiful story about how my husband was upset with me and we were going on a date. Another AA suggested I invite my HP as a chaperon and to speak to my husband with love from my heart. And it turned out to be a really great date.

Anyway, I was hardly into the story when my sponsor starts with all the stuff that really ticks me off when I feel she's not listening. So I told her that. And she FLIPPED OUT! She really got really really mad. She told me to do a 4th step on her and call her back and let her know what my part in all of it was. I just got to the 4th step, I'd never done one before.

So after talking to a couple of other AA's I called her the next day and told her that I wasn't accepting of her limitations and attitudes when I speak with her about my husband and I keep repeating the same scenario over and over. (she was a serial adulteress when she was active and I really don't think she can stand to hear about my feelings about being cheated on...I didn't say THAT to her!!)

She FLIPPED OUT again. I mean she really went round the bend. Now this was my very first 4th step ever. And I really didn't mean to upset her, I'm just learning this stuff. She said no, your part is that you want me to tell you your husband's an a-hole and I'm not gonna do that because that helps no one. I told her I have plenty of people not in AA who are more than happy to tell me my husband's an a-hole, I don't need to hear that from my sponsor.

She told me that I yelled at her and attacked her. I said, That's so funny, b/c that's what I feel like you did to me! She said no, you did it to me. blah blah. She said I'm not going to even continue this conversation with you, I have never had a situation like this with a sponsee before. And I said, How come you're swearing I yelled at you and attacked you, therefore it's true, but I can't feel like you did the same thing to me? Is it your way only?

Well......she was none to receptive to that. I mean she seriously was blowing a major gasket on the other end of the phone. So she told me to call her sponsor because she couldn't continue our conversation. So now I call her sponsor, crying, all upset. I told her that I didn't yell at or attack my sponsor but I felt v. yelled and attacked by her and how could we move forward from this complete impasse?

Her sponsor told me to accept that my sponsor THINKS I yelled at her. Hmmmm. I can do that. And with that little crack in the door I was able to get back to work and look for my part in it. Did I say she doesn't listen to me in a harsh way? Did I let resentment build up? Am I not hearing her? Do I feel "not heard" in my marriage or other relationships?

The next day my sponsor called me and said, I'm sorry if I was not as calm as I wanted to be, I felt threatened. And I told her, I'm sorry if I said things too harshly, I didn't mean to come across in a mean way or to hurt your feelings. Then we saw each other a couple days later in a meeting and hugged and cried. We're both very dramatic and emotional. We said that we could learn a lot from each other and together we'll be rocketed into the 5th dimension.

I still have to get back to my sponsor's sponsor with my 4th step work on this situation, but I'm still learning about it and thinking about it. I didn't know how much I didn't know, but now I know how much I don't know. I'm grateful to have this program and fellowship to help me learn and get closer to my Higher Power.