Okay, deep breath. Easy. I cannot change the things I or my husband have done in the past. If the sky falls in or some other catastrophe happens, it is my decision to drink or not to drink. I feel the same way about his adultry and I'm sick of him putting it on me. But you know what? It's his decision to make, not mine. I'm not in charge of his thoughts or his feelings or his opinions.
I am accepting that this is the way everything is meant to be at this moment and that my HP has a plan for me. I don't have to put my will all over this, HP's got it handled already.
I have to keep my mouth shut and do the next right thing. Attraction, not promotion. I am so frickin grateful for this program and this way of life!
Thy will be done, thy will be done, thy will be done, they will be done, thy will be done..........
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Sharp Claws
My claws are out and sharpened. At our last marriage counseling session my husband said that he is bummed out that he has to deal with the fact that I'm an alcoholic for the rest of his life.
Damn! Angry doesn't even begin to cover how I feel about that. I know I'm not supposed to take his inventory, but I'm going to here to deal with the fury I feel towards him at this point.
When I first found out about his affair, he said it happened because I'm an alcoholic. That doesn't fly with me. If he is/was so miserable, he can get divorced, he can go to counseling, he can go to al-anon, he could even, horror of all horrors, discuss his unhappiness with me. But to blame his adultry on my alcoholism is a copout. There is nothing that he could say or do that will make me think it's okay to have a relationship outside of our marriage with someone else's husband, and plan on ditching my kids and him to start another life.
So now he's come around to the point where he doesn't directly blame his affair on my alcoholism. Now it's that he was so angry about things that happened during my drinking, that when the opportunity to cheat presented itself, anything inside him that would have stopped him from committing adultry was no longer there. Hmmm.
He told me this morning that he knows I will relapse one day, as alcoholic relapses are inevitable. I told him that I work on my sobriety every day, one day at a time. And I am bummed that I have to deal with one day at a time something pissing him off or upsetting him so that his moral code might again become over-ridden.
I have to deal everyday with the fact that not only is he a liar and cheater, but he has not taken responsibility for it. And as long as he doesn't, there is always a chance that he will cheat again.
He traded me sexual favors for alcohol and then took pictures of me when I was passed out. He would show the pix the next day to show me what a mess I was, and tell me that I should sort me self out. He was absolutely wretched to me. And this is a man who can spend hours looking up some gadget crap on the internet, but he cant tell you the first thing about alcoholism. MFer.
Then I go to AA, the best thing that ever happened to him and what does he do? He gets himself a married girlfriend and plots to leave me and my kids. When I catch him, he blames it on me. We were on the phone with his slut's husband and the guy asks "how did this happen?" and my husband says to me, "why don't you tell him" and like an ahole, I say "what b/c I'm an alcoholic?" and my husband says exactly. I actually told this guy that his wife and my husband were fooling around b/c I'm an alky.
He has done NOTHING to support my sobriety, he has alcohol all the time, drinks on all of our dates etc.
I'm angry. Gotta go for now!
Damn! Angry doesn't even begin to cover how I feel about that. I know I'm not supposed to take his inventory, but I'm going to here to deal with the fury I feel towards him at this point.
When I first found out about his affair, he said it happened because I'm an alcoholic. That doesn't fly with me. If he is/was so miserable, he can get divorced, he can go to counseling, he can go to al-anon, he could even, horror of all horrors, discuss his unhappiness with me. But to blame his adultry on my alcoholism is a copout. There is nothing that he could say or do that will make me think it's okay to have a relationship outside of our marriage with someone else's husband, and plan on ditching my kids and him to start another life.
So now he's come around to the point where he doesn't directly blame his affair on my alcoholism. Now it's that he was so angry about things that happened during my drinking, that when the opportunity to cheat presented itself, anything inside him that would have stopped him from committing adultry was no longer there. Hmmm.
He told me this morning that he knows I will relapse one day, as alcoholic relapses are inevitable. I told him that I work on my sobriety every day, one day at a time. And I am bummed that I have to deal with one day at a time something pissing him off or upsetting him so that his moral code might again become over-ridden.
I have to deal everyday with the fact that not only is he a liar and cheater, but he has not taken responsibility for it. And as long as he doesn't, there is always a chance that he will cheat again.
He traded me sexual favors for alcohol and then took pictures of me when I was passed out. He would show the pix the next day to show me what a mess I was, and tell me that I should sort me self out. He was absolutely wretched to me. And this is a man who can spend hours looking up some gadget crap on the internet, but he cant tell you the first thing about alcoholism. MFer.
Then I go to AA, the best thing that ever happened to him and what does he do? He gets himself a married girlfriend and plots to leave me and my kids. When I catch him, he blames it on me. We were on the phone with his slut's husband and the guy asks "how did this happen?" and my husband says to me, "why don't you tell him" and like an ahole, I say "what b/c I'm an alcoholic?" and my husband says exactly. I actually told this guy that his wife and my husband were fooling around b/c I'm an alky.
He has done NOTHING to support my sobriety, he has alcohol all the time, drinks on all of our dates etc.
I'm angry. Gotta go for now!
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Yo!
I am so incredibly grateful to be sober today. Other than two times when I was preggers, this is the first time in my adult life I've woken up hangover free on New Year's Day.
I'm so blessed. I'm so grateful. Gotta pass it on.
Happy New Year, yo!
I'm so blessed. I'm so grateful. Gotta pass it on.
Happy New Year, yo!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)