Decision

I am going to give this marriage a year. Not for me, for my kids. If it were not for my kids, I would have been out of here a month ago. I'll re-evaluate everything in a year. I need to finish school. I have this semester and next semester. I need to put all of my efforts into school and my kids right now.

Maybe in a year, I'll feel differently. I know I will be a different person than I am now. Because with the grace of God, I will still be sober. I will be working on my steps with my sponsor. I won't be making decisions out of anger and pain. I'll do my resentment prayers for my husband and the other woman. I'll continue my Big Book study. My decision to continue my marriage or end it will be sober, sane and rational. At least that's my plan for now, who knows what my Higher Power has planned.

Now that I've gotten out of the driver's seat, I am at peace. I'm just going to work my program and do the best that I can. I know that my Higher Power has a plan for me and I'm praying for the knowledge of His will for me.

What to do now...........

First of all, I called the husband of the woman my husband was having an affair with. The woman denied the affair and said that I was a crazy, unstable alcoholic. So I put my husband on the phone and he confirmed that yes indeed he did have an affair with this man's "wife". When the man asked how this happened, my husband said to me, "Do you want to tell him?" I said I didn't know why and my husband said "I think you do". I said, "I'm an alcoholic but I've been sober for several months." I actually told some guy that my husband had an affair with his wife because I'm an alcoholic. My husband and I have hashed this out, and he now says that he regrets saying it, but at the time, he really did think he had an affair because I'm an alcoholic.

We've had many many hours of conversations since then. He realizes now that his affair was a diversion, so that he wouldn't have to deal with problems in our relationship and anger and resentment he has towards me because of my drinking.

If I hadn't found out, the affair would have continued. He was thinking of leaving me and my kids for this woman. Now he's realizing that a lot of the things he saw as problems with me and our marriage are actually his problems and indicative of his inability to deal with these things.

Yesterday I started to kick him out, threw his stuff out etc. etc.. I picked my son up from school, but I couldn't go through it. I couldn't break this family up in that way. My kids have been on edge since all this stuff happened, it just didn't feel right. Not in this way.

So now my husband is here. And we are married and playing the role of mother and father. We're good at that. The kids are the glue that is holding this marriage together at this point. If it were not for the kids, I would not want to be with my husband anymore, I wouldn't want him in my life at all. He was actually thinking of leaving me and the kids to start a life with someone new, because that just seemed so much easier and carefree than sticking around here. I am outraged that my kids were so dispensable to him. I am outraged at his narcissism.

But I think that by kicking him out, I would be as self-absorbed as I feel he was. I'm not saying that we will be able to work this out, but I need to go through this in a rational way that is the least damaging for my kids.

Right now, in addition to the pain and anger I feel about my husband's affair, I am really angry about my husband's reaction to my reaction to his affair. After four weeks, he can't believe that I still need to talk about this and that I'm still going on about it.

But I'm still sober, I'm trying to work through all this. Using my program, but I have to go now, my son is crying and needs me. More later.

XO

This time last year....

Everything used to be a reason to drink. The changing of the seasons was a big one. Now that autumn is approaching, I'm faced with a new set of triggers. This time last year was the beginning of my bottom. I knew that I had to stop drinking. I was making some last desperate attempts to drink in a controlled manner.

I am so grateful that I am sober this autumn and that I don't ever have to repeat the things that happened from last September until March, when I finally put the bottle down. I read my journal from last year. It starts around April and it's so sad. Just one desperate attempt to control my drinking, followed by failure and demoralization.

I am incredibly grateful to be sober today and to be a member of AA.

Update

I was going to update my blog tonight, but I just got my four year old to sleep.

I'm okay. I'm alive and sober. I would like to kick my husband out on the street, but my AA peeps are saying I'm a big gaping hole and in no condition to make any important decisions at this time. So I'm in a holding pattern right now. It sucks, but I'm going to get through it.

I'll update more over the weekend.