What to do now...........

First of all, I called the husband of the woman my husband was having an affair with. The woman denied the affair and said that I was a crazy, unstable alcoholic. So I put my husband on the phone and he confirmed that yes indeed he did have an affair with this man's "wife". When the man asked how this happened, my husband said to me, "Do you want to tell him?" I said I didn't know why and my husband said "I think you do". I said, "I'm an alcoholic but I've been sober for several months." I actually told some guy that my husband had an affair with his wife because I'm an alcoholic. My husband and I have hashed this out, and he now says that he regrets saying it, but at the time, he really did think he had an affair because I'm an alcoholic.

We've had many many hours of conversations since then. He realizes now that his affair was a diversion, so that he wouldn't have to deal with problems in our relationship and anger and resentment he has towards me because of my drinking.

If I hadn't found out, the affair would have continued. He was thinking of leaving me and my kids for this woman. Now he's realizing that a lot of the things he saw as problems with me and our marriage are actually his problems and indicative of his inability to deal with these things.

Yesterday I started to kick him out, threw his stuff out etc. etc.. I picked my son up from school, but I couldn't go through it. I couldn't break this family up in that way. My kids have been on edge since all this stuff happened, it just didn't feel right. Not in this way.

So now my husband is here. And we are married and playing the role of mother and father. We're good at that. The kids are the glue that is holding this marriage together at this point. If it were not for the kids, I would not want to be with my husband anymore, I wouldn't want him in my life at all. He was actually thinking of leaving me and the kids to start a life with someone new, because that just seemed so much easier and carefree than sticking around here. I am outraged that my kids were so dispensable to him. I am outraged at his narcissism.

But I think that by kicking him out, I would be as self-absorbed as I feel he was. I'm not saying that we will be able to work this out, but I need to go through this in a rational way that is the least damaging for my kids.

Right now, in addition to the pain and anger I feel about my husband's affair, I am really angry about my husband's reaction to my reaction to his affair. After four weeks, he can't believe that I still need to talk about this and that I'm still going on about it.

But I'm still sober, I'm trying to work through all this. Using my program, but I have to go now, my son is crying and needs me. More later.

XO