Freedom

A woman with long-term sobriety shared that right now, what is most prevalent in her sobriety is freedom. Alcoholism made my world very small. It was my prison. Emotionally, physically, psychologically, spiritually. I only have 26 days sober and I already feel somewhat free. I have a feeling that there is a whole other life out there for me, if I stay on course. I feel that freedom will be mine if I work the steps. Which means I need to find a sponsor. So grateful to even have these thoughts. This was not possible just a few weeks ago. So glad to not be living in that brown-out darkness anymore.

Family History

I went to a shrink tonight. She wanted to talk about my family to find out why, out of four kids, I'm the only alky. But she came up empty handed, seems I had a pretty normal upbringing. Then I spoke with my brother who said it was just biological, just the way I'm wired. But my shrink said that if that was it, just wiring, she'd have no hope for me ever recovering.

Seriously, I don't really need to worry about why I'm an alky at this point, do I? Shouldn't I just focus on being a recovering alky? Sometimes, the more you drink and drug, the more you need to drink and drug, right??

Biological predispostion + some really stressful things in adulthood = alcoholic?
I really like to get drunk+way too many times= messing up brain chemistry=alcoholic?
1 drink today+ >150 drinks tonight = shame, regret, sadness, hateful husband, self-loathing, blackouts, unexplained abrasions, guilt, drunken midnight bike rides for more booze and so on and so on................Ha, and to think I had to repeat algebra in high school!!

Sober tonight. Grateful.

Monday Gratitude

Today I am grateful....
I am sober.
It's Monday and the temptations of the weekend are behind me.
My favorite AA meeting is tomorrow morning.
My older son stayed home from school sick today, but it is only a cold and he will be better tomorrow.
I was able to give my best friend some helpful advice and a big hug today.
Spring weather is slowly coming around.
Longer days.
The daffodils on my kitchen table that smell so fresh.
My kids sleeping soundly in their beds right now.
Being able to afford the summer camps and activities I'm looking into for the kids.
My husband is home safe.
My health.

Thanks

Thanks goodness, I made it through yesterday. Poorly, with a cough that won't let go. I was never sick when I was smoking and drinking my face off. Never. Oh no, it was way too inhospitable for any self-respecting germs in there.

But now that I'm on the straight and narrow, they all want a piece of me. Frickin' germs. Never nary an aspirin (I was afraid it would trash my liver, what with all that booze going through it!!!) And now cherry flavored, grape flavored elixers that do nothing. Nothing dammit!!!! blech.......Maybe I should try a couple days of heaving drinking and some chain smoking to knock these germs out, lil bastards. Ya think? Nah! :) heh heh heh (:

Three Weeks, Dammit

I have three weeks today. 21 days. And I'm really not happy about being an alky right now. Nope, not one bit. Would like to have a couple of beers with my husband. Just a few. But I blew it so many times, it's not a possibility. Acceptance, acceptance. I know tomorrow, I will be happy to wake up in my bed, instead of somewhere else in the house. I will know what I said and did. I will not have to look around for clues to piece together the events of tonight. My husband will not be hateful towards me. I will have energy and patience for my kids. I will go to the gym and pound all this negativity away. I will be relieved. I will feel stronger for making it through this tough night. I will not be filled with self-loathing and shame. I will not feel bewildered, sad or guilty. Okay, I am starting to chill out now. Better go do some praying.

Sleeping it Off

Since I have stopped drinking, I have been sleeping a lot. Today was excessive. I woke up to see the kids off to school and then I went back to bed until noon. I haven't slept that late for almost ten years.

Then around 5pm the feeling came over me that I really wanted a drink. Really bad. Friday night, I've been hanging around with a three year old for HOURS. I was ready to jump out of my skin. I was miserable. Then I spoke with my friend and she was on her way out to a school function with an open bar. She had a shitty week and was looking forward to a beer. It was killing me! I told her to have one for me. Better her than me.

Then my husband called on his way home from a birthday party with my seven year old. My son had a problem at the party. He is socially awkward and really hard on himself. This is a trigger for me. A big trigger, that is why my husband takes him to birthday parties.

Anyway, my husband was all stressed out when he got home. So now both of us were on edge. I had to check out. I got back into my bed and went to sleep for another two and half hours. ??????Is this excessive sleeping a coping mechanism? Is it my body repairing itself from years of abuse? What gives? Well at least I didn't drink. It's early days I guess. I guess the fact that I didn't drink, means it wasn't a waste of a day. But it kind of feels that way.

Sometimes.........

Going to a new meeting kind of sucks. It is hard to walk into a room full of people you don't know. That being said, it's definitely easier when you're walking into an AA room. People are usually warm and welcoming. However, it still is a little unsettling. I've been to several.

Thank goodness I loved my first AA meeting. Because the second one I went to was down-right scarey!!! Most of the people were there because their attendance is mandatory. They were just there, they didn't really have to much to share. I think some people were pretty resentful to be there. In fact, when I sat down, the people sitting near me moved away! Ha, ha, I don't care, I got something out of the meeting anyway.

I guess that's my point. Walking into a new AA meeting on a dark, cold winter night is kind of unpleasant. But once the meeting starts I am always so glad I'm there. I heard some great things tonight.

18 days. SNAP!

16 days!

16 Days free for me and my HP. I really, really can't believe it. But I am so happy and grateful!