First and most importantly, I'm still sober, getting to lots of meetings, staying in contact with my network. No matter what comes my way, I'll be ok if I go through it soberly.
I've been working really hard on a lecture I have to give at school which makes up 40% of my grade. It's v. stressful because it's a ton of work and I'm having a hard time finding the time to work on it. I was supposed to give the lecture last night and the Prof. cancelled b/c she was sick!!!!!!
On the marriage front, things have gone from bad to worse. My husband's birthday was on Tues. I didn't celebrate it in the fashion he was expecting. I took the kids to the store to pick out presents, gummy worms, Yankee notepad etc. but I didn't get him a present. We argued the night before his birthday (I wanted to talk about his affair, he's tired of it), and when I called him at work the next day to apologize for losing my temper, we argued more.
My husband has been cold and rude to me since then. I wanted to have a mature, constructive dialog yesterday and all he would tell me is that he's disappointed about his birthday. I tried to talk to him, but he just wouldn't and what he did say was negative and critical.
I feel like I'm trying to work on this marriage and he's just being the same old way that he's always been. I'm outraged that he had expectations of me regarding his birthday after the depth of his betrayal.
Plus, he lied to me again, we had three different conversations about whether the girl he cheated on me with had contacted him. Then a week later he tells me she did call him, he told her not to anymore, but he lied to me b/c he thought I would be upset.
Anyway, that's that. I can't save this marriage by myself. I can't do all the work by myself. I have to accept the things I cannot change. I'm still trying to not make any decisions about my marriage for a year. It's really really hard though. However, it's nothing to drink over. My Higher Power knows what going on, even if I don't. That's ok for today.
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5 comments:
Keep on keepin' on.
i can actually hear your pain and confusion and everything else!
i feel similar to you now. i don't have such a huge crisis in my marriage right now, but i fear it's heading there. hubby doesn't like the new me. the real me. and he resents that i don't want to do certain things with him anymore.
what scares me today is what i read in 'the language of letting go'. the theme is all about being who you are, taking the risk to be ourselves, regardless of the reaction of others. and then she says: "some people may go away, but the relationship would have ended anyway." and that part scares me. i'm probably overreacting, hormones, who knows... but still...
hugs to you my friend!
I am so glad you are not making any major decisions... just stay in today and it is OK... really.
Just dropping in to say hello and I'm thinking of you.
I am grateful that in the end, you KNOW it's nothing to drink over! Thats good! no one is important enough to toss away any chance you have at a happy life :-)
hang in there, I'll remember you and your family in my prayers
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