I have a sober family. It is a network of people and we are all connected by our sponsors. I have a sober brother who is straight who is sponsored by a gay woman. Lately, we have been going to a lot of the same meetings and spending a lot of time together and we have a really good time. We make each other laugh a lot and we talk about the program a lot. He hasn't had a drink in 25 years and but he's only been working with a sponsor for about a year.
Anyway, the problem is, I find myself thinking about him a lot. Not in a romantic way or a sexual way. But about the things that we talk about. Like books, movies, sobriety, things that my husband really isn't interested in. My husband will listen to me talk about these things, but sort of with a strained look on his face. Like he wants to be supportive and listen, but he could really care less.
I find myself wanting to call my AA brother when I think of something funny or when I have a spare minute. I would rather go to the movies with him then with my husband. My husband and I are going to marriage counseling since his affair. I find myself being disappointed in my husband because we don't connect on an intellectual level. My relationship with my AA brother helps me to see what is missing in my marriage.
Bummer.
7 comments:
I'm finding quickly that one person in a marriage IN recovery and the other person in same marriage NOT in recovery put simple can equal a big ole complicated mess. Seems like two really different paths for life. But I hear it CAN work - I'm hoping so for my marriage at least.
I'm hoping I can have both. We'll see. Anyhoo - I guess I'm just trying to say I understand your dilemma, so to speak.
Just be careful not to pour too much energy into a relationship that isn't with your spouse. Sometimes when things are strained in my marriage, I'll gravitate emotionally towards friends who reciprocate easily, instead of focusing on repairing/rebuilding with my partner. I've come to recognize it easier these days, which is the only reason I bring it up.
That being said, friends are golden. Mine are so amazing, both those in sobriety and those who are not. I'm glad you have a sober family. Mine is so special to me.
Have another beautiful 24 hours.
Keep on plugging away at it and don't give up before a miracle has a chance to happen.
Just a suggestion.
it upsets me when i cannot talk freely with hubby about things that are important to me, casue he finds them 'whatever'. but at least you have someone whom you can talk to. enjoy it. just be careful of the motives...
hmm yeah. transference is a funny ol beast.
After 20 odd years I am FAR more impressed by non alcoholics than alcoholics. sponsees feel the same.
EVERYONE gets an inappropriate CRUSH in the first year. Years later you will wonder what on ??????? earth you saw in them. I always advise to hold off until the inevitable moment when they realize how DISAPPOINTING AA;s are.. Then avoiding them is a CINCH.
Why dont you find out how many relationships this guy has had already with AA women and how long sober they were when he embarked on a 'relationship' with them. THAT might let you see his friendliness in a different light. Who knows?
Uh oh! This pattern of thought and behavior sounds familiar. I have been in similar relationships and, so far, have no regrets about any of them. Most have been and continue to be innocuous and innocent; I know that the others could explode with overpowering force under the wrong set of circumstances. Yet I continue to maintain these potentially cataclysmic friendships. I wonder what's up with that?
I hope you don't have the same kinds of conflicted feelings that I do. I'd love to hear more.
I understand your feelings, and can soooo relate. Although I want to point out that I agree with what the Maven said...
the path of least resistance i.e. a 'friend' who validates those emotions easily, can be a drain for the energy you might choose to use better by sharing growth time with our spouse.
Remember it took us days & days to trash our relationships, and if wwe are to become stronger we must trudge on thru to the other side of the pain...
Hope I made sense and I'm happy to see you here still...life got in the way for me for a while....I am recommitting to my blogging, meetings, and connection to GOD.
I have felt the way you feel and missed the message in it...I often wonder what would have happened had I seen that opportunity to grow back in the day. I might still be married...
Love,
~Shugrr
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