Let Go

Hey, I'm alive and well and sober. Grateful to be a recovering alky and for the program of AA.

I am at the beach for two weeks, with my "husband", his parents and our two kids. We are staying in a two bedroom apt. It is raining. But I am actively maintaining a conscious contact with my Higher Power. There are meetings here everyday, Sunday's was on the beach.

In-laws are leaving in a couple of days. I thought that the best thing to do would be to try to work things out with my husband. Than I thought the best thing to do would be to end this marriage. My sponsor says I have to complete the steps in order to make a proper decision. I'm on Step two. Right now, I don't know what to do. So I am going to continue Let Go. More will be revealed.

Thanks for all your good wishes.
XO

Betrayal

I don't want to get too much into it at this time, but my husband has been having affair since a little after I came to AA.

The good news is, I have no desire to pick up a drink. I have a solid network, my sober family, who have held me up. They are walking through this with me. I have a Higher Power who has a plan for me. I know that my kids and I will be alright. I hit my knees several times a day. I pray constantly, Thy will be done, Thy will be done.

I don't know what's going to happen, but I will be alright. I have peace and faith and hope in my heart, and it's all because of AA.

More later................

Fear & Faith

I don't like being alone with my own thoughts. It's like being alone with a crazy person. I'm too early in sobriety to be in that scary place. Yesterday and today I was really really crazy. I was angry, sad, scared, anxious...because I don't like what is going on with my marriage and I don't know what the near or distant future holds. Somehow I had lost all of my faith. The opposite of faith is fear.

I spoke with my sponsor. I told her that I wanted to give my husband a tool box, like we have, with the steps and fellowship and conscious contact with a Higher Power. My sponsor explained that my Higher Power tapped me on the shoulder and guided me to AA. I was carried, really carried through my first 90 days. That was my Higher Power. My husband has to hit his emotional bottom, he needs to be tapped on the shoulder by his Higher Power. And just like no one could tell me when it was time to stop drinking, no one can tell my husband how to work through his issues.

I can either be filled with all kinds of really awful feelings and crazy thoughts. Or I can keep reminding myself to have faith, that there is a loving, knowing power so much much much greater than I can even conceive. If I stay with my program, and keep my faith I will be okay.

What to do......

I was able to eat enough to workout at the gym today. Good stuff. Someone came up to me and wondered since I lost such a massive amount of weight if I was okay. I said I was, it's just stress and he said he'd been there. I don't want to go below 110 pounds, I'm trying to keep eating.

My husband is supposed to return from his trip around midnight on Friday. I really don't want him here, in light of the fact that he doesn't even think he wants to be here anymore, his anger, resentment and the fact that he doesn't think he was ever happy in our marriage. I'm not really comfortable having him around. But I want my kids to be able to see him and enjoy a sense of normalcy. I'm not sure what to do. Ask him to go to a hotel or have him come home? I guess he could still come here and see the kids, even if he stays in a hotel. But it would be more normal for them to wake up and have him here on Saturday morning. But if he's going to be moving out anyway, they will have to get used to him not being here.

I am struggling with this one. I don't want to be the Director. I am trying to do what is best for me and my kids. But what might be best for the kids, isn't really the best for me on this one. I'm trying to see what God's will is in this. So then I think I shouldn't do anything, just let my husband show up here. But I need to do what is right for me too. To protect myself physically and to protect my sobriety.

Acceptance

The other night my husband told me that he doesn't think he was ever happy in our marriage and that I'm not what he wants anymore. I've been feeling some peace and hope and acceptance in my heart. I know that I will be okay at the other side of all this. I know that I will love someone and they will love me back, I just don't know if it will be with my husband or not. And it's all because of my Higher Power and the people and program of AA. If I did not have AA, even if I didn't pick up a drink over this, I would be incapacitated with anger, fear, hurt etc.

I have been praying and asking my Higher Power for guidance and I was actually able to feel sorry for my husband. What a coincidence that his father walked out on him and his mother when he was the same age as my son. What a coincidence that his mother's miserable behavior and unwillingness and inability to work anything out with her husband resulted in him first drinking too much and then leaving.

I'm sad that my husband never resolved his father's leaving and the role his mother played in all that. He has a lot of contempt towards his mother and I think contempt toward himself for being like his mother. I wish that he had a program like I do and a network of people that will help him through. I wish that he had faith that his Higher Power has a plan for him and that we will all be okay.

When I pray to my Higher Power for guidance and peace and love, I pray for the same thing for my husband. I'm okay right now in this minute, in this day.

Agony

My husband is moving out. Not sure when, since he's going to San Francisco and then his parents are flying in. He's really very cheerful about the whole thing. Not worried about leaving me and the kids. I think he has a diversion, as in a girlfriend. He just doesn't care anymore. Why the hell did he wait until I was physically ill and had to ask him to leave? If he wanted out so bad, why couldn't he have had the balls to say so? He left in his heart and mind a while ago. If he was every really all in.

I cried ALL day today after me and my husband spoke about him leaving. He was FINE. FINE! Cool as a cucumber. I am devastated. Every time I look at my kids or their toys I start crying thinking of how their world's are going to be rocked in the very near future. I asked my husband to come along with me that we could grow together, he's not interested. Not interested in marriage counseling either.

But I am not drinking. I am reaching out. And let me tell you, when I sent out an SOS my phone rang off the hook. The word that I needed help spread like wildfire. If I was on my cell, my house phone rang, if I was on the house phone my cell rang. Even now as I'm typing this, people are texting me to see if I'm okay. My sober family is beyond awesome. They are going to help me through this. I have felt so much love and support and heard so much great advice. Two different people read different parts of the Big Book with me over the phone today. Then I went to a meeting I've never been to before and shared my situation and just cried and cried.

These are some of the gems that people told me today, "We have a way to live now and not drinking is the most obvious part. But this way of living is our chance to grow and see what our Higher Power's plan is for us."

"If you try to get through this on your own will, it will be much more painful and difficult than if you do it with your Higher Power. Get as close to your Higher Power now as possible to get through this."

"If your going through hell, keep going!"

Not good

Well now I know why I feel like my insides have been through a meat grinder. Even though my husband says he wants to be married to me and be the father of our children, everything else he says and does means the opposite. Apparently he's harboring some hatred towards me.

He told me that he hated my guts while I was drinking. He told me that he was always looking for a way out. He told me the only reason he didn't leave is because he figured I'd accidentally kill myself while drinking and he didn't want my death on his hands. He didn't want his kids to be without a mother. He told me that he was beyond despair over my drinking. I never knew any of this. He just acted like he hated me while I drank and so my solution was to drink more and he hated me more. I asked him why he never told me how much my drinking bothered him and he said he was trying to shame me into stopping. He took pictures and videos of me passed out drunk so that he would have evidence to take my kids away from me, even though they were in their beds. He thinks that we can move forward from here. Yet, again, he doesn't act like it. I asked him if he needed to move out for a while. He said he didn't want to disrupt the kids lives and go to all the trouble. Then he suggested he take some job assignments in different cities.???? I don't know what is going on. But at least now I know why I'm eaten up inside. What he was saying and what he was doing didn't match up.

I told him that I'm working really hard to be the best person I could be. I want him to come along with me, that wonderful things are in store for us. But he is still treating me like he did when I drank all the time. I asked him to react to the person I am now, not the person I was when I was drinking.

I can't eat. I'm a wreck. I'm losing weight rapidly. My therapist told me to get out of the cross hairs. She told me that I need a break from all this because I'm sliding into a bad place. Not that I'm going to drink, but that she can see me going down. She thinks it would be a good idea for me and my husband to be separated right now. My husband's going away, again, next week. Two days after he returns, his crazy effed up parents are flying in from England. Then me, my husband, our two kids and his parents are staying in a 2 bedroom, 2nd floor apartment at the beach. His parents will be there most of the first week. We will be alone with the kids the second week.

Not good. Not good at all. Very not good.
Sober with no desire to drink.