My husband is moving out. Not sure when, since he's going to San Francisco and then his parents are flying in. He's really very cheerful about the whole thing. Not worried about leaving me and the kids. I think he has a diversion, as in a girlfriend. He just doesn't care anymore. Why the hell did he wait until I was physically ill and had to ask him to leave? If he wanted out so bad, why couldn't he have had the balls to say so? He left in his heart and mind a while ago. If he was every really all in.
I cried ALL day today after me and my husband spoke about him leaving. He was FINE. FINE! Cool as a cucumber. I am devastated. Every time I look at my kids or their toys I start crying thinking of how their world's are going to be rocked in the very near future. I asked my husband to come along with me that we could grow together, he's not interested. Not interested in marriage counseling either.
But I am not drinking. I am reaching out. And let me tell you, when I sent out an SOS my phone rang off the hook. The word that I needed help spread like wildfire. If I was on my cell, my house phone rang, if I was on the house phone my cell rang. Even now as I'm typing this, people are texting me to see if I'm okay. My sober family is beyond awesome. They are going to help me through this. I have felt so much love and support and heard so much great advice. Two different people read different parts of the Big Book with me over the phone today. Then I went to a meeting I've never been to before and shared my situation and just cried and cried.
These are some of the gems that people told me today, "We have a way to live now and not drinking is the most obvious part. But this way of living is our chance to grow and see what our Higher Power's plan is for us."
"If you try to get through this on your own will, it will be much more painful and difficult than if you do it with your Higher Power. Get as close to your Higher Power now as possible to get through this."
"If your going through hell, keep going!"
13 comments:
hang in there. it's a hard one. emotions flying all over the place, i know. just keep reaching out and you'll be fine. even me, here in blogland, is rooting for you!
I am sooo sorry for your pain, and I am glad you are writing about it. When I first got sober I lost ALOT. Turns out everything I lost was everything I didn;t need....more will be revealed. I care, it that helps.
sweet girl...God is watching, and preparing a wonderful life for you. Now...till that wonderful life gets here...hang on..go to meetings..talk talk talk to your woman friends in the program...pray your ass off for some peace...write on your blog till your mind hurts. You will get thru this, you can get thru this sober, and you can come out the other side...a STRONG, CONFIDENT, KICK ASS WOAMN.
hope you still doing okay out there...
Casey left me when I got ill with my eye thing. It hurt (her leaving) more than the eye thing. I felt betrayed, and I felt angry cos I'd been sober for nearly three years. Was this my 'payoff'?
I got through it without a drink.
It (her) still rankles me now, but it got easier.
I'm thinking of you, hon. And having a drink won't change a thing, 'cept for the worst, maybe.
This is a VERY neat trick when you are feeling weepy.. Its in a old post called: Weepy? Overwhelmed? Try the Taoist arch!
http://anon-recovery-archive.blogspot.com/2006/06/weepy-overwhelmed-try-taoist-arch.html
yeah. best place to weep is at a meeting! That's what I always say..
hope you feel better soon!
We have ALL been rejected, and been through our own personal hells and out the other side. TRUST that your higher power has a plan for you. Check out Sober Steve and Red Cardinal. Theres strength in numbers. They have been dealing with the same thing, and are doing a DAMM fine job of it. This should help you see beyond your current situation. It gets better!
Just keep showing up, and just do your lousy best. Works for me!
http://redcardinalofserenity.blogspot.com/
Red cardinal
http://sobersteveatsunset.blogspot.com/
Sober steve
From I person who has been where you are now, I always try to remember we never get more than we can handle. Someone told me this when I was deep in my grief some time ago. I thought that screwy s.o.b. doesn't have a clue. But as I look back in hindsight I realize that no, it really wasn't more than I could handle, and it was another opportunity to witness the omnipotence of a power greater than my self through the fellowship of the program. I usually find some comfort reading Pg. 133 of the BB of AA.
I, too, have an ex who didn't like me much AFTER I got clean and eventually left me.
I am so sorry you are going through this....
Stick close to your support. Sounds like they are very willing to hold you up while you are going through.
Peace,
Scout
Sometimes it's just better to move on. It hurts like hell but being in a relationship that's over isn't helpful to anyone. Some things can't be repaired. Glad that you have support from AA friends.
I think your last words summed it up, Keep going, nothing is too Big, just keep going & take Care. I find fellowship, meetings are helpful as a place to sit and just be... safe, neutral.
Hang in there... just don't drink - no matter what.
Reaching out to others in program is the BEST gift you can give yourself. Your courage right now is beautiful. Stick close to those that have trudged similar paths, keep reaching out, you are not alone.
hey hows things ?
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