Not good

Well now I know why I feel like my insides have been through a meat grinder. Even though my husband says he wants to be married to me and be the father of our children, everything else he says and does means the opposite. Apparently he's harboring some hatred towards me.

He told me that he hated my guts while I was drinking. He told me that he was always looking for a way out. He told me the only reason he didn't leave is because he figured I'd accidentally kill myself while drinking and he didn't want my death on his hands. He didn't want his kids to be without a mother. He told me that he was beyond despair over my drinking. I never knew any of this. He just acted like he hated me while I drank and so my solution was to drink more and he hated me more. I asked him why he never told me how much my drinking bothered him and he said he was trying to shame me into stopping. He took pictures and videos of me passed out drunk so that he would have evidence to take my kids away from me, even though they were in their beds. He thinks that we can move forward from here. Yet, again, he doesn't act like it. I asked him if he needed to move out for a while. He said he didn't want to disrupt the kids lives and go to all the trouble. Then he suggested he take some job assignments in different cities.???? I don't know what is going on. But at least now I know why I'm eaten up inside. What he was saying and what he was doing didn't match up.

I told him that I'm working really hard to be the best person I could be. I want him to come along with me, that wonderful things are in store for us. But he is still treating me like he did when I drank all the time. I asked him to react to the person I am now, not the person I was when I was drinking.

I can't eat. I'm a wreck. I'm losing weight rapidly. My therapist told me to get out of the cross hairs. She told me that I need a break from all this because I'm sliding into a bad place. Not that I'm going to drink, but that she can see me going down. She thinks it would be a good idea for me and my husband to be separated right now. My husband's going away, again, next week. Two days after he returns, his crazy effed up parents are flying in from England. Then me, my husband, our two kids and his parents are staying in a 2 bedroom, 2nd floor apartment at the beach. His parents will be there most of the first week. We will be alone with the kids the second week.

Not good. Not good at all. Very not good.
Sober with no desire to drink.