Texas Incident

I have to get this out. Though I don't know if I'll ever finish it. In February, right at the end of my drinking, my husband was on a business trip in Texas. He called me to say he was going to dinner with a bunch of guys and that he would talk to me the next day, we said goodnight. Around 15 minutes later my phone rang, it was my husband, or more accurately, his bluetooth. He was at a bar, drinking, with a woman.

He was talking about himself a lot, his technical abilities etc. And ordering more drinks, I listened for about 20 minutes, until I guess he hung up. I called him and asked him what he was doing. Again, he said he was having dinner with the guys. I told him that I didn't believe him and he got nasty. Then I repeated the part of the conversation I heard. He said they were about to leave and this woman, M. a new co-worker, had to give him a ride back to his hotel and he would call me when he got to his room.

About a half hour later I called him back, they were still at the bar. About an hour later, he called and was all pissed off that I was basically heart broken. He was nasty. I felt so betrayed, I felt so helpless, I felt trapped here at home, with the kids in bed. I didn't drink, b/c I didn't drink when I was alone with my kids.

The next day when he got home, I told him that I wanted him to leave, trial separation, b/c I basically felt like I was living with a lying, stranger. He swore up and down that he lied b/c he thought I would be upset and that nothing untoward ever entered his mind and he was sorry sorry sorry.

I basically let it go, told him not to EVER lie to me again, etc. etc. Shortly after that I came to AA. Then I was sick for about 2 months, it never really came up again.

This past Weds. morning, I found him in the laundry room, ironing his shirt, talking on his cell phone. He acted nervous and shifty when he saw me. I asked him what was going on and he said nothing. I felt all sick inside. I said I don't believe you, and he got pissed off. I said you lost my trust, it takes a while to get it back. I said that I will not put up with any sort of crap from him, regarding lying at the v. least. I told him that I wasn't going to snoop around and feel like I was being lied to all the time. I told him that he wasn't worth that.

He was mad. He left for work. He didn't kiss me goodbye, and he didn't call me all day. It was my birthday. I was so hurt. We he finally got home, he took a later train, I asked him if he wanted to be married and in this relationship. He said emphatically yes. Then I said if he did, he should call a marriage counseler b/c that is the only way that I will stay in this marriage with him. Our other issue is that I want him to be engaged with me and the kids instead of treating us like we're pests. He said that really hurt his feelings b/c he wants to be a good dad. He asked me what I wanted him to do, I said maybe he should make a gratitude list. He told me he would, if I remind him to. WTF?

We settled down, but he never called a marriage counseler. I have not been able to cook dinner since this incident when he was on his trip. Being in the kitchen at dinner time is a trigger anyway, because that's when I would start drinking for the day. But since this incident in Texas, the thought of making dinner for the family turns my stomach. I really cant do it. I order take out, or I make something small for the kids, but I don't really eat dinner and my husband's a big boy, he can take care of himself.

Tonight he was bitching at me about my eating habits, how I just graze I never sit and eat big meals. I said, I lost 14 lbs. so what's your damage? He said well there might be other people in this house who would like you to make meals for them. I told him that I'm working on it and that I haven't been able to since he lied to me and went out drinking with some woman. He said, "I told you I was sorry, what else do you want?" I told him I wanted him to understand how much the whole thing rocked my world, and how acting like a shit towards me on my bday tells me he's not all that remorseful and doesn't really have a concept of how I feel about it. That was almost 3 hours ago, he hasn't spoken to me since.

I'm gonna go call my sponsor now.

These days

I finally finished school yesterday. Handed in my final paper, which was really really really REALLLLLY fricking hard. I'm very relieved that it's all over.

Life is getting better and better now that I am sober. I am seeing so many things now that the fog has lifted after 100 and something days. Many of these things were there while I was still drinking and the only thing I could do about them then is drink myself into oblivion. But now I can see these things with so much clarity it is unbelievable.

I can have a drink anytime I want to, but today I choose not to. Things are too good now. I wouldn't want to trade any of this in.

Cant wait to get back in the blogging groove with all of you!

XXXOOOO

I love reading the Big Book with someone who knows it well, like my great-grand sponsor. We only got to pg. 64 of Ch5 this morning, but these are some of the lines I underlined today and they have reverberated with me all day:

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.

Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power-That One is God. May you find Him now.

Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible.

Big Book, Ch.5, How it Works

I'm sober and I'm so grateful

Man news!

I'm here and I'm going strong. Made it to a 7am meeting today, which is a miracle. Really.

When I got home from school last night, my husband had cleaned the entire house and threw away all the moldy food in the refrigerater!!!!! Isn't that sweet? What a nice gesture. AND he........Made the bed this morning!!!!! He actually stepped away from his computer and his blackberry for about three hours last night. Okay, he had the wireless laptop with him, but still!!!!

This is major news, but you're hearing it here first folks!!!! This isn't even what we don't get along about, but he's pulling out all the stops. What a guy!

Yellow Wood

First off, thanks to my wise and wonderful blogging friends, you have kept me afloat when I was starting to sink.

Just got off the phone with my sponsor. Glad I called her, because in addition to considering dumping my husband, I was starting to SERIOUSLY doubt I am an alcoholic. Apparently, I glided through my first 90 days with the greatest of ease and now it's time to roll up my sleeves and get to work and it's going to get messy. So now I'm standing in THE famous yellow wood, looking at two divergent paths, and I am NOT going to Shit Island.


The Road Not Taken-Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black,
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back,

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence;
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference.

Venomous snake

I don't know why my husband has been giving me such aa attitude and cold shoulder lately. He acted like this when I drank and he used my drinking as an excuse to be a venomous snake to me. I even said to him, what are you going to do with all that venom when I get sober? He's very passive-aggressive so I can surmise that he's got his knickers in a twist, but I can only guess at the cause of the twistedness. He says he's been an angel and has no idea what I'm talking about.

Do spouses get left behind in sobriety? Is he invested in my failure? Does he want me to succeed at sobriety? Can he evolve with me? Can I stay with him if he doesn't? Does he even want to evolve? What's it like to be in a long-term relationship with someone who's not on some sort of spiritual path?

I'm just putting that all out into the universe, so that it's not in my head while I try to write my final paper for my summer class tonight.

Shit Island

Ran around all day Friday doing stuff that depletes me. Like grocery shopping. With my 3 1/2 year old. The last thing I had to do that day was go to a barbeque.

I rushed into it, I was tired, I was hungry, I was angry (at my husband). Everyone seemed to be having such a good time, and they were all slightly buzzed. I didn't really know the people there that well and that threw me for a loop. The host's mom was there, she's terminally ill with cancer. I helped my mom fight to live while she was dying. If your loved one is dying, I can help you, because I know how you're feeling. But I just didn't feel comfortable talking to this woman, I just didn't know where she was emotionally in the dying process. I didn't drink there, I didn't really think about it too much.

However, I got home and I was truly spent, emotionally, physically, spiritually.
I thought maybe I would take a vacation from AA and sobriety for the summer. And that thought did not make warning sirens go off in my head. I called my sponsor, I prayed, and then I fell asleep reading the Big Book.

I got up at the crack the next morning and went to an AA meeting. I was telling my friends at breakfast afterwards that I had thought of taking a break for the summer. My friend said, "Oh a break, that sounds fun! Where are you thinking of going?" I said, "I was thinking of taking a break from AA for the summer". My sponsor chimed in, "She wants to go to Shit Island." LOL

I realize that I forgot I'm an alcoholic and I can't spend a day doing things that deplete me. I can't go unarmed into social alcohol fueled situations. I was unsettled, not serene and that bothered me, dammit!! Why was I thinking it had to be all or nothing? Things don't either have to be really great or really shitty in sobriety. Sometimes they just are. I decided to rip up my one-way, non-stop ticket to Shit Island and stick around.

Respite

Juss taking a little respite from blogging for the weekend. Unless there's any breaking news! Sometimes I feel a little self-absorbed blogging about the banal or crazy thoughts clanking around inside my head. I know a blog can be for self-examination, and my intention is to log and share ideas about my burgeoning clarity and sobriety. But it just feels like it's all about me, me, me!!!!! I'm bored with myself.

I'm looking around to spread my newfound spirituality, serenity, and hope on some poor unsuspecting souls. Make it about "we". I'll let you know if I get locked up or punched out or what not.

Have a super sonic weekend!! XXOO

Sneaky Bitch

I wasn't going to go to my summer class tonight. I was laying down with my little guy, he had a fever. My husband was working from home. It was thundering out. I was really tired. The drive to school is only a couple of miles and it can take almost an hour in rush hour traffic along a shiteous parkway through some of the ugliest parts of the US of A. Moooooooooan!

Then I applied AA to the situation, I had prepared a lot for this class. I might be able to bring something to the discussion and maybe help someone else out.

So I picked my lazy bones up and off I went. That's AA working in my life. Because once I skip a class, I start feeling really bad about myself, not following through on committments, old tapes playing in my head and then what? Would I start skipping AA meetings too? Cunning this disease, you know? Always looking for a way in. Something innocuous, like skipping a class! Ha, not today you sneaky Bitch!

So grateful to be sober today and to be practicing the principles of AA in all my affairs!!!

Amazed and Clear

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you'll remember my friend D. She was my partner in crime before I got sober, but she hasn't handled my sobriety well. I went out to dinner with her and my other BFF J. last night. The day before the dinner, D. called J. to see what the "drinking status" was. We were going to an Italian place and she wanted to be able to drink red wine. For a couple of reasons I was heading into our evening with annoyance and trepidation.

I spoke with my sponsor, I hit my knees before I went out and then I called another person from AA. She just happened to be in the car in front of me (!!), so we stopped and had a f2f chat. I worked my AA program and I was able to walk into that restaurant with compassion and love for my friends.

After dinner, I told my friends I was going home, if they wanted to head to a bar. Instead, we got in my car to listen to a CD a friend had made. We ended up sitting in my car for about two hours, listening to music and talking. Our friendship is now on a new level, one based on me being sober, that is better than the one we had before.

I am amazed and I am crystal clear about the miracles of AA. My heart is overflowing with gratitude.

Soft Steel

I went on a job interview once. The interviewer said I was "soft steel". Very sweet and soft on the outside and very strong on the inside. I thought he was a presumptuous jerk. But anyway, I use his term to describe my sponsor.

She is younger than me. She is very sweet and cuddily. She likes to hug and hold hands, blow kisses, call me sweetie, tell me that she loves me. Sometimes I think I need someone more forceful and stronger. But when I start talking crazy, she gets really steely!

I casually mention to her that I'm going to a cocktail party tonight and that it's not a big deal and she practically reaches through the phone and bitch slaps me! She always tells me, "You're an alcoholic!" and "This might be a good time to write down your 10 worst drinking experiences!!!!".

Tomorrow night I'm going out to dinner with my friends. My friend asked "What does your sponsor say about you going to dinner with us?" I said, "I'm not even going to tell her, because she gets so worried about it. But this is what she would say, 'You're an alcoholic and you might feel okay about your friends drinking at dinner now, but tomorrow a switch could click in your head and you may not be okay anymore. I suggest you bookend your dinner with calls to me and know that you can walk out of there at anytime'".

After I said this to my friend, I realized that my sponsor would be so right. I need to be straight with her and follow her suggestions or why bother having a sponsor at all? Why not just abstain from drinking on my own, because that always worked out so well in the past....HA!

Cement shoes

I'm so grateful for all you bloggin peeps. This is another great tool in my sobriety tool box and you are all so smart and intersting and funny. To tell you the truth, I've been a little blah since the excitment of 90 days has worn off. I've just felt like I've been wearing cement shoes or something.

But.....I went to a meeting tonight and now I'm back in the game. I just love being at this meeting. Sometimes I just sit back and look around and think "what a great group of people". Meanwhile they are sharing about their times in jail, and multiple rehabs, DUI's. Recovering people who are working their programs and show up at meetings and share just have a certain "je ne sais quoi".

I had to jump through some major flaming hoops to get to the meeting tonight, it would have been easier to not go. But I am so glad I went and now I get to come home and stalk you bloggers! Ain't life grand?

Drunk dream

Well I did it! I made it to 90 days! As of today, I have 92 most excellent sober days.

I had a crazy drinking dream last night. In my drinking dreams, I always think I'm drinking in control and having a good time only to be devastated to find out that I blacked out most of the night. In my dream last night, I woke the morning after, covered with scrapes and bruises, very sore. People kept coming up to me to talk about all the stupid drunken things I did, that I could not recall. Someone showed me a video of me trying to walk, two guys had to pick me up off the floor and I was not wearing my own clothes. It was horrible, scarey. I can't stop thinking about it.

I'm so very grateful I woke up sober today and I will go to bed sober tonight.