Shit Island

Ran around all day Friday doing stuff that depletes me. Like grocery shopping. With my 3 1/2 year old. The last thing I had to do that day was go to a barbeque.

I rushed into it, I was tired, I was hungry, I was angry (at my husband). Everyone seemed to be having such a good time, and they were all slightly buzzed. I didn't really know the people there that well and that threw me for a loop. The host's mom was there, she's terminally ill with cancer. I helped my mom fight to live while she was dying. If your loved one is dying, I can help you, because I know how you're feeling. But I just didn't feel comfortable talking to this woman, I just didn't know where she was emotionally in the dying process. I didn't drink there, I didn't really think about it too much.

However, I got home and I was truly spent, emotionally, physically, spiritually.
I thought maybe I would take a vacation from AA and sobriety for the summer. And that thought did not make warning sirens go off in my head. I called my sponsor, I prayed, and then I fell asleep reading the Big Book.

I got up at the crack the next morning and went to an AA meeting. I was telling my friends at breakfast afterwards that I had thought of taking a break for the summer. My friend said, "Oh a break, that sounds fun! Where are you thinking of going?" I said, "I was thinking of taking a break from AA for the summer". My sponsor chimed in, "She wants to go to Shit Island." LOL

I realize that I forgot I'm an alcoholic and I can't spend a day doing things that deplete me. I can't go unarmed into social alcohol fueled situations. I was unsettled, not serene and that bothered me, dammit!! Why was I thinking it had to be all or nothing? Things don't either have to be really great or really shitty in sobriety. Sometimes they just are. I decided to rip up my one-way, non-stop ticket to Shit Island and stick around.