Texas Incident

I have to get this out. Though I don't know if I'll ever finish it. In February, right at the end of my drinking, my husband was on a business trip in Texas. He called me to say he was going to dinner with a bunch of guys and that he would talk to me the next day, we said goodnight. Around 15 minutes later my phone rang, it was my husband, or more accurately, his bluetooth. He was at a bar, drinking, with a woman.

He was talking about himself a lot, his technical abilities etc. And ordering more drinks, I listened for about 20 minutes, until I guess he hung up. I called him and asked him what he was doing. Again, he said he was having dinner with the guys. I told him that I didn't believe him and he got nasty. Then I repeated the part of the conversation I heard. He said they were about to leave and this woman, M. a new co-worker, had to give him a ride back to his hotel and he would call me when he got to his room.

About a half hour later I called him back, they were still at the bar. About an hour later, he called and was all pissed off that I was basically heart broken. He was nasty. I felt so betrayed, I felt so helpless, I felt trapped here at home, with the kids in bed. I didn't drink, b/c I didn't drink when I was alone with my kids.

The next day when he got home, I told him that I wanted him to leave, trial separation, b/c I basically felt like I was living with a lying, stranger. He swore up and down that he lied b/c he thought I would be upset and that nothing untoward ever entered his mind and he was sorry sorry sorry.

I basically let it go, told him not to EVER lie to me again, etc. etc. Shortly after that I came to AA. Then I was sick for about 2 months, it never really came up again.

This past Weds. morning, I found him in the laundry room, ironing his shirt, talking on his cell phone. He acted nervous and shifty when he saw me. I asked him what was going on and he said nothing. I felt all sick inside. I said I don't believe you, and he got pissed off. I said you lost my trust, it takes a while to get it back. I said that I will not put up with any sort of crap from him, regarding lying at the v. least. I told him that I wasn't going to snoop around and feel like I was being lied to all the time. I told him that he wasn't worth that.

He was mad. He left for work. He didn't kiss me goodbye, and he didn't call me all day. It was my birthday. I was so hurt. We he finally got home, he took a later train, I asked him if he wanted to be married and in this relationship. He said emphatically yes. Then I said if he did, he should call a marriage counseler b/c that is the only way that I will stay in this marriage with him. Our other issue is that I want him to be engaged with me and the kids instead of treating us like we're pests. He said that really hurt his feelings b/c he wants to be a good dad. He asked me what I wanted him to do, I said maybe he should make a gratitude list. He told me he would, if I remind him to. WTF?

We settled down, but he never called a marriage counseler. I have not been able to cook dinner since this incident when he was on his trip. Being in the kitchen at dinner time is a trigger anyway, because that's when I would start drinking for the day. But since this incident in Texas, the thought of making dinner for the family turns my stomach. I really cant do it. I order take out, or I make something small for the kids, but I don't really eat dinner and my husband's a big boy, he can take care of himself.

Tonight he was bitching at me about my eating habits, how I just graze I never sit and eat big meals. I said, I lost 14 lbs. so what's your damage? He said well there might be other people in this house who would like you to make meals for them. I told him that I'm working on it and that I haven't been able to since he lied to me and went out drinking with some woman. He said, "I told you I was sorry, what else do you want?" I told him I wanted him to understand how much the whole thing rocked my world, and how acting like a shit towards me on my bday tells me he's not all that remorseful and doesn't really have a concept of how I feel about it. That was almost 3 hours ago, he hasn't spoken to me since.

I'm gonna go call my sponsor now.