I got the POWAH!

Thanks everyone for stopping by and offering your wisdom regarding my evil MIL. I so appreciate your advice. Even my husband is on edge a little and it's his mother! Look at the power we've given this woman! Hey, I want my POWAH back! And listen, I got my breast MRI results back and they are clean, my mammogram is clean and my ultrasound, too. My son is turning eight this weekend. I'm going to get him a lizard or a hamster or something. I'm sober for somewhere around 60 days. The days are getting longer and sunnier. Things are GOOD, man! I'm just going to take troll-woman one minute at a time, one day at time. Piece of piss! Easy-peezy lemon squeezy. Well, no, maybe not easy, but simple? Yes.

Sunlight

I want the sunlight....

. . . harboring resentment is infinitely grave. For then we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. AS BILL SEES IT, p. 5

I'm going to get down on my knees and pray to overcome this resentment towards my MIL.

Willingness for willingness

I'm still sober and content and serene. There were some moments where I wasn't so serene. But going to the gym and working out like a maniac helps. Here's the deal. My mother-in-law is flying in from England on May 2. Usually when she is around, my husband and I have a major drinkfest. After what? 9 years, she's still angry at me for trapping her only child in my web of seduction, forcing him to have kids with me and live in the US. She's so stupid, if she wasn't so rotten, I'd consider living in the UK. But in reality, it wouldn't matter if I was English and lived in England, she would still be awful to me.

My MIL is a mean, hateful troll. She's said and done so many, many nasty things over the years. I cannot stand her. I hate having her in my house. She's negative and critical and she's a complete nutter. Seriously. Just typing this, my whole body has tensed up.

I'm really not worried about drinking when she's around. She doesn't know that I'm in AA, but she does know I'm a major lush. I'm worried about what to do with all the resentment and negative feelings I have when she's on the scene. My AA friend said to imagine her sick, as if she's vomiting and has poopy pants. But that doesn't make me feel compassion for her. I'm just disgusted by her even more when I think of her that way.

My sponsor said I should pray for her. I should pray that my MIL can feel some of the peace and serenity I've been feeling. But I'm not that enlightened yet. So my sponsor said to pray for the willingness to be willing to pray for her. I don't want to do that, I really, really don't. I mean I can hardly say the words, I'm choking on them. Yuck.

But I also know that all of my bad feelings for her are really not good for me and my sobriety. So I'm going to pray to be willing to pray for her. Ech. But I'll be damned if that beast takes my sobriety. Damn! Damn her! I'm not feeling so serene and content anymore. Damn.

Fine

Fine day. 52, 53 sober days now? I'm not sure. Sober, content and serene today. Thank God. I'm so grateful. So very, very grateful.

Uplifted

I went to a meeting tonight. I had not been to a meeting since last Tuesday. I was too sick and then I put family before the meetings. I am still sober. 51 days today. I had a drinking dream last night. In the dream, I thought I only had two drinks, but then I couldn't remember how I got home. I decided the next day to go back on the wagon, so I lied to everybody and said I was still sober. Of course, everyone saw through my lies. It was scary. I really felt drunk in the dream!

I was talking to a friend from AA today and we were saying how much we both needed a meeting really soon. It is hard for me to describe how I feel when I am at a meeting. Relaxed, relieved, understood are some of the words that come to mind.

A gentleman shared this evening about attending AA meetings in Rio. He went to one being held in English and then a guy asked him if he wanted to go to the one that was in Portuguese. Even though he could not understand a word being said, he was uplifted. He described it as part of his spiritual experience in AA. I can relate to that completely. Uplifted is how I feel at meetings.

Today I am so very grateful that

I am still sober after 51 days

My antibiotics worked and I feel better than I have in about two months

My son's eye issue has resolved itself, which is good because I was not able to get any medication in his eyes.

Even though both of my kids are home on spring break, I was content today. That would have NEVER happened in my drinking days.

I am going to what has been described as a very big, very powerful AA meeting in Manhattan tomorrow night with a fine group of AA women.

I went to dinner on sat. night to celebrate a friend's birthday and both of my "normie" friends chose not to drink to support me. Solidarity baby!

My husband had his bitches over for poker on Fri. night and I was FINE with it! I actually sat with them a while until they kicked me out for asking if anyone wanted a non-alcoholic beverage. LOL!

Even though the weather is beautiful and a nice cold beer would be nice while sitting outside, I KNOW that acting on that thought will lead me to a very sad and desolate place. And I accept that today, who the hell knows what tomorrow will bring.

There is no doubt in my mind that I would have none of the above if not for my Higher Power.

Grateful

Today I am grateful :

Finally going to the doctor and getting some bad-ass antibiotics for bronchitis & sinus infection

That a Pediatric Optometrist squeezed in an appointment for my three year old today

That said Dr. thinks the bumps on my son's bloodshot eyeballs are from allergies

That I can say the Serenity Prayer for me and my son while I force eye drops into his both eyes 4x/day

That we have health insurance that pays for Dr. visits and meds

That me and my son can take our meds and get better, this too shall pass

For the group of AA women that invited me to dinner tonight, but I had to pass cuz I'm sick

That one of said women is dropping off some CD's from the program for me while I convalecse

For my friend who invited me to her bookclub meeting tonight, but I had to pass

For my BFF, J.

That me and my friend D are talking again

My husband

My cozy bed

Sobriety bloggers

46 days sobriety

MRI

I had to go for a breast MRI today. I have a very strong family history of breast cancer, my mom was around my age when she was first diagnosed. It's just to see if they can find any cancer really, really early. I'm not worried, I don't worry about these tests until I hear there's something to worry about.

It's not the most pleasant of tests. First they start an IV, which they had a v. hard time doing. Really hard. I almost passed out from that. Everything was going black and the woman was saying something about alcohol. She freaked me out, I didn't know if she was offering me a drink, or she was saying they were having a hard time with the IV because I drank too much alcohol. Turns out she was asking me if I wanted to sniff some alcohol to not faint!! LMAO.

Then you have to lay on your stomach, with your arms over your head, with IV in one arm and your other hand holding the panic button. Your breasts hang out through the bottom of the table and there's a head rest to rest your face on. Nice image, huh?

Then they slide you in a tunnel like thing for 40 freakin' minutes and it makes all sorts of terrible crazy noises. The point is, I almost freaked out, when they slid me in there, seriously, I was still fuzzy from the IV debacle and I'm terribly claustrophic. I was about to push the panic button, but I started saying the serenity prayer, and praying and talking myself off the ledge.

Seriously, I don't think I could have gone through with it if I was still getting drunk every night, hungover everyday. But I started to feel a sense of calm, like I wasn't trapped in there all alone, that I had someone watching over me. Shit, if I can resist a drink, I can lay in a noisy tunnel, in some crazy awkward position, right?

And it's a good thing I told them to put my Massive Attack CD on instead of the soundtrack to Brokeback Mountain, because it was loud in there, I would have never been able to hear Brokeback Mountain.

Still sober and it's 44 days baby!

Bitchin'

I'm juss bitchin here. I'm leaving for a meeting tonight and my husband wants to know, now that's it been 42 days, when do I think it would be alright for him to bring beer into the house. But if it's not okay, maybe he'll just go to the bar and have a few beers and watch the ballgame tonight.

I was so pissed off. Well let's see now, I can NEVER have a beer again, so I guess after 40 something days, you've suffered enough, so by all means, go catch a freaking buzz. I'm just dealing with no buzz FOREVER here. Don't let my alcoholism hold you back, you friggin prick. We used to be great drinking buddies, til I couldn't handle it anymore....First he resents me because I choose to drink when we all know he's gonna find me on the floor the next day. Now he resents me because he can't drink in the house. What a drag, he can't win.

But it's not really fair to him I guess. Why should he not drink because I'm an alky? It's not his fault. But still, give me a little time here. How about 90 days? I'm just pissed that he can drink and I can't. And I'm holding him hostage in a way. It's his turn to have his poker game here next friday, and all the guys are going to show up with beer anyway. So I don't know why it's okay next friday and not this friday. I guess I just need a little more time. I'm a beast I know it. Enough ranting.

Rut Ro

ZOINKS! My laptop hard drive has gone completely pear shaped. I'm on my hubby's right now. So my blogging may be curtailed for a short spell.

On the bright side, I'm still sober and grateful. Thanks to everyone who stops by here and have a great weekend if I don't get the chance to blog at yuz!!!

Eagle Rock

Better. I feel better than I did earlier. My best friend J. came over with her daughter and they stayed until around dinner time. The problem is, my friends always used to come over with their kids on a Thursday or Friday night. The kids would play, and then around dinner time I would open a bottle of wine and start cooking dinner for everyone. My husband would join us with some beers. Sometimes my friends' husbands would come over with some beer and join us for dinner. It was a lot of fun. The kids had a good time and so did the adults. Eventually my friends would take their kids and go home. I would continue to drink, sometimes til the next day or at least until I drank all the beer and wine.

My friend J. has been very supportive of my recovery and she wasn't feeling too well anyway, so she didn't want to drink. But it was dinnertime and she was there and I was filled with an overwhelming desire to drink. Just the fact that she was there during that time of day, was an incredibly strong trigger. It blindsided me. I felt inhospitable, and I felt sad. Sad because I cant drink like a normal person and sad because we used to have these big gatherings at my house that aren't happening anymore. My other friend, D., who was always in on these gatherings isn't even speaking to me since I've started recovery (more on that debacle later).

I tried to call my sponsor, but she wasn't there. I went to a meeting that I thought was a new women's meeting, but that was just ending. Luckily, there was another meeting in the same church just starting. So I stayed for that. At the end, when we all stood in a circle holding hands, this guy next to me kept squeezing my hand and giving me these encouraging looks. I must have looked like I was in a bad way. His small gesture almost brought me to tears.

I was still all wound up when I left the meeting, so I went to Eagle Rock Reservation which overlooks New York City and has a really nice memorial for the World Trade Center victims. It was sad and solemn and New York looked beautiful with all the twinkling lights. There were lovers hugging and kids in their cars drinking their starbucks. I started to feel a little better. When I turned to go home there was a bust of a man holding a lantern. Carved on the base of the bust was "Remembrance and Rebirth". I'm still unsettled, rattled and upset that my best friend being here at dinnertime is such a powerful trigger. But I didn't drink and I'm safe in my bed now.

My First BB

I started reading sobriety blogs, I think about two years ago. I knew that I had a problem with alcohol, but I wasn't convinced I was an alcoholic. I knew that AA had something to do with a higher power. I wasn't ready for AA, but I wanted to know more about this higher power stuff. So I googled higher power and found dAAve's blog. Through the links on his blog, I was introduced to a great group of sober bloggers like Mary Christine, JJ, Sober Chick and then later Scout, Pam, Meg and others. (They're all linked in my sidebar, sorry too tired now to figure out how to link them in this text, I'm new to all this).

My first readings of the Big Book were through these sobriety blogs. I read their blogs as my daily meditations. These bloggers just seemed so enlightened, no matter how much pain and chaos was going on in their lives. I tried to glean from their blogs a way to have a better life, a more spiritual existence, while continuing to drink. I wanted what they had, but I wanted to be able to get wasted all the time too! I continued to drink to prove to myself that I could drink like a normal person, and I proved just the opposite.

When I was ready to put the bottle down, I had a tiny glimmer of hope, because of my vicarious experience with AA through my favorite sobriety blogs. Because of my favorite sober blogs, I knew where to go, and I knew that it would work if I worked.

Now I sit in a meeting and read the Big book, but the first time I read the Big book was here with my fellow bloggers. Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope.

Gotta Sponsor

I was really nervous about speaking up in a meeting and asking for a sponsor. I guess I was hoping the sponsor fairies would just drop one in my lap. I'm ready to work on my sobriety with someone.

Scout left a comment on my blog about being the adult child of an alcoholic and workaholic. I just wrote and then deleted a long story about being the adult child of a workaholic and how much it really sucks. It does things to you. But my Dad regretted his ways and not being around for us when we were growing up. My Dad died a couple of years ago and I loved him very much. He was a really good man.

I don't really know what the point of this post is. Just revelations and clarity in early sobriety I guess.

Monday

I am grateful:
To be sober today.
That I went to a meeting on Sat. night and that helped lessen the obsession to drink.
37 days sober.
My kids are healthy and happy.
My best friend JG who I was able to help this weekend.
My brothers.
That I am able to afford a gym membership and get to the gym.
That I can access a quiet, peaceful place and my HP when I am working out.
That I was actually able to pray for someone who I resent right now, and mean it.
For the journey that I'm on now.
That I finally decided to give sobriety a try.

Hey!

Hey and thanks to everyone who stopped by and said hi and left words of encouragement. You have no idea how much I appreciate it!

I'm doing well. I would be better if I had made a meeting today but I will make it to one tomorrow. I have to work harder at squeezing them in between my kids' and my husband's schedules.

I spoke with one of my brothers today, C. He's great to talk to about getting and staying sober. He is such a good, kind, gentle soul. He said the best thing I can do for me and my kids is get sober. His mother-in-law is a recovering alcoholic. She has been sober for about 20 years now. His sister-in-law is an alcoholic. My brother said that he thinks her 12 year-old son is having some issues, possibly related to her drinking. I hope that she gets into recovery soon.

I didn't think that my drinking affected my kids, because I always was drunk after they were in bed. (I'd start drinking around dinner time, but not get wasted til later). But tonight, my husband was out and it was just me and my kids. If I was not in recovery, I would have been drinking waiting to put them to bed, while I was putting them to bed and after they were in bed. I would have been impatient to get them to bed, so that I could be alone with my booze. Instead, we hung out and watched a movie. Now, when I put my three-year-old to bed, I watch him fall asleep. I'm telling you, that is better than any drink in the world. It is just bliss to watch him nod off to dreamland, surrounded by his stuffed animals and fluffly blankets. I thank my HP everytime I watch him like that.

My older son doesn't need much sleep, I never get to see him fall asleep. But he asks me to lay down with him so he can tell me all about his day. Then he likes when I come into my room to read. He likes to know that I am right here when he falls asleep. That didn't happen when I was drinking.

I am grateful that I am present for my kids in these ways. I am grateful that right not, I know they are safe. I know that someday they'll be out there and I wont know what the heck they're doing, and I'll be scared, because I know what I did when I was younger. I'm grateful that I can make almost anything they're upset about better, just by being here and hugging and kissing them and talking to them.

I'm starting to think that just because my kids never knew I was drunk, doesn't mean that my drinking didn't affect them. And I'm grateful that I see that now.

Ahhh.........

I can breathe again, I'm on solid ground. Thanks to DAAve and Mary Christine for responding to my SOS.

I went to a great meeting tonight and I almost wept I was so happy. Tonight we talked about What is Sobriety. Many people shared that they thought they were sober, but eventually realized they just weren't drinking. That is where I am right now. There is such a huge difference. In my head and spiritually, I'm not that much further along than I was 32 days ago. BUT, I have AA now and I'm putting together a tool box and I have a pretty big space between me and the first drink now.

I heard that if you speak with your sponsor or another alcoholic everyday, it will be so much easier to pick up the phone when your really NEED to.

People with many, many years of sobriety said that if they felt they wanted to drink and didn't talk to someone about if for about two days, they felt they would go back out. They just can't keep those thoughts in their heads, all by themselves. I thought that was a newcomer thing, and that I must be doing something wrong to feel that way. But now I see differently.

A lot of people said they could make it to 90 days standing on their heads, but they could never make it to 91. They always felt they deserved to go out and celebrate!!! If nothing changes, nothing changes. I have to always remember that I'm an alcoholic, or I will do the same thing.

One man was pissed off and uncomfortable and still wanted to drink for about a year and half after coming to AA. Not anymore, he still does the same things he did for his for 30, 60, 90 days. Still heeds the advice given him when he first started.

One guy thought you had to hit your bottom before AA could work for you. But now he thinks the longer it takes you to get to AA, the harder and more painful your life becomes, and the harder and more painful it is to recover.

One woman needs to talk to her sponsor everyday because she never wants to go back to the dark and desolate place where she once was. Neither do I, I must always remember that desolation. And it's a liquid, a couple of sips of a frickin liquid. All this fuss over a couple of ounces of a liquid. Damn!

Slipping

I'm not doing so well in my sobriety right now. No, I am not drinking, but I am getting mentally prepared to drink and every day it seems more of a possibility. This past saturday, I was ona road trip with my two kids and my husband. Four hours of complaining and bitching and moaning and yelling and mind fucks. It is enough to make anyone drink. Plus it was saturday, a reasonable day to drink. But I didn't drink. My instinct was to reach for a drink. I wanted to feel relaxed, but I guess since I'm in recovery, there was a lot in my head, between me and that first drink. If I could have gotten past that first drink, I would have been able to have a couple of drinks. But I couldn't. And that I guess is the program of AA, my HP and a little bit of me mixed in there.

It was really weird. Because picking up that first wasn't a possiblity, just too much AA in my head. But then I really didn't know where to go from there. What do people do who don't drink to unwind. What do I do now with all the unpleasant emotions of the day that are still there? I actually just sat there in a chair, just sitting there thinking, what do I do now? What do normal people do now? What do recovery alkies do?

And then I started thinking. Well this summer will be different. Because I want to sit on the deck at the beach house and watch the sun go down while enjoying a nice could glass of white wine. I was thinking, you know, I'll just have one or two glasses. Like normal people do, why does it have to be all or nothing? Now I know that this is not a good way for an alky to think. But I was really convincing myself. By the end of the summer, I will have my shit together and the visigoths in my head will be defeated and it will be nice. But a part of me was thinking, well when do I stop? Maybe four drinks? Maybe three? Not good. Eventually, I just went to bed. I figured once I put my pajamas on, and got in bed, I would be safe. I just remembered now, right at the end of my drinking, I actually did go to a bar in my pajamas to get some packaged goods to take home. You should have seen the young kids outside smoking ciggies when I walked up. Ha, ha.

I told my friend, a normie, that I was getting bored with sobriety. That it's been thirty days already, enough, I don't know what to do with myself. But I wasn't going to drink because I felt that I was in the same place, in my head, as I was 30 days ago. And she agreed, damn her! What a good friend, she said that must mean that I need to stay sober if I'm thinking I'm done alreadly with sobriety.

I went to a BB meeting yesterday, my favorite one. And I was going to bring up my issues. But, first thing, this woman shares that she is living in a recovery house, but she is about to get kicked out because she is an insulin dependent diabetic and her needles are causing problems and she doesn't dose correctly and has ended up in ICU twice in past two weeks. She can't find another place to go, she has $115 dollars and she wants to go out and use, she's planning on doing it that night. Jeez, and I'm going to follow that with, I don't know what the hell to do with myself? I have a house and a husband and two kids and I'm going to complain?

After she shares, this other woman shares that she is glad that she's sober because her alcoholism led to her sex addiction, and that she resents the tyranny of the Egyptians over the Jews, but why does she have to read about it at Passover, what about the people in Darfur? I'm sitting there thinking, jeez, this woman is supposed to turn her homelessness over to God and you're complaining that some relatives made you read some traditional passages for Passover? I don't know, I wasn't getting anything out of the meeting. And, I'm really tired of this woman always bringing up the fact that she's a sex addict. And I know I'm not supposed to be thinking like that in a meeting, and I usually don't.

Last night, my husband was watching some baseball games and I said, I want to have a beer of two while we watch the game, this sobriety stuff is getting really old. I was trying to decide what do drink, red or white wine or beer. And that problem getting past the first drink was still there, but barely. I could actually imagine drinking it this time. But my husband said, but you cant have a beer or two remember? That's why you have a problem with alcohol. Well, I just let that go, normally I would have given him a lashing for trying to tell me what to do. Yea, I know, typical alky behavior. So I went to bed.

So I decided, okay not tonight. But maybe tomorrow. And if not tomorrow, then one of these days. Then I realized what people meant when they said a relapse happens way before you take that first drink. I prayed, but I still was in a bad place in my head. I realized last night that if I didn't do something, I was going to be drinking in the next couple of days, and I wasn't really that worried about it. I thought, ah it'll be okay. I can handle it. I went online, read some blogs and then read the questions they have on the AA website, you know to see if you have a problem with alcohol, and of course I answered yes to almost all of them.

So I called this woman in the program. Just to ask her, what the hell do I do now? Pray, check, Read, check. I'm really new to this, but I know that there must be more to AA than this. Anyway, I got all nervous calling her, hands shaking, and she wasn't there. I left her a message, but my hands are still shaking. I know, it's either reach out to someone for some direction and advice or drink. And there is a voice in a tiny little corner somewhere in my head that is saying, call her, don't drink, hold on. And the rest of my head, the overwhelming majority is saying, eff this AA stuff, you can drink, and be fine, your are not going to get kicked out of a recovery house, no one will know and a bunch of other nonsense.

The handshaking nervousness is sort of a nice thing, because otherwise all I want to do is put my head down and go to sleep. I'm getting a little tired of that.

So that's where I am, and hopefully I can look back on this post and know that I got through it.