Eagle Rock

Better. I feel better than I did earlier. My best friend J. came over with her daughter and they stayed until around dinner time. The problem is, my friends always used to come over with their kids on a Thursday or Friday night. The kids would play, and then around dinner time I would open a bottle of wine and start cooking dinner for everyone. My husband would join us with some beers. Sometimes my friends' husbands would come over with some beer and join us for dinner. It was a lot of fun. The kids had a good time and so did the adults. Eventually my friends would take their kids and go home. I would continue to drink, sometimes til the next day or at least until I drank all the beer and wine.

My friend J. has been very supportive of my recovery and she wasn't feeling too well anyway, so she didn't want to drink. But it was dinnertime and she was there and I was filled with an overwhelming desire to drink. Just the fact that she was there during that time of day, was an incredibly strong trigger. It blindsided me. I felt inhospitable, and I felt sad. Sad because I cant drink like a normal person and sad because we used to have these big gatherings at my house that aren't happening anymore. My other friend, D., who was always in on these gatherings isn't even speaking to me since I've started recovery (more on that debacle later).

I tried to call my sponsor, but she wasn't there. I went to a meeting that I thought was a new women's meeting, but that was just ending. Luckily, there was another meeting in the same church just starting. So I stayed for that. At the end, when we all stood in a circle holding hands, this guy next to me kept squeezing my hand and giving me these encouraging looks. I must have looked like I was in a bad way. His small gesture almost brought me to tears.

I was still all wound up when I left the meeting, so I went to Eagle Rock Reservation which overlooks New York City and has a really nice memorial for the World Trade Center victims. It was sad and solemn and New York looked beautiful with all the twinkling lights. There were lovers hugging and kids in their cars drinking their starbucks. I started to feel a little better. When I turned to go home there was a bust of a man holding a lantern. Carved on the base of the bust was "Remembrance and Rebirth". I'm still unsettled, rattled and upset that my best friend being here at dinnertime is such a powerful trigger. But I didn't drink and I'm safe in my bed now.