Willingness for willingness

I'm still sober and content and serene. There were some moments where I wasn't so serene. But going to the gym and working out like a maniac helps. Here's the deal. My mother-in-law is flying in from England on May 2. Usually when she is around, my husband and I have a major drinkfest. After what? 9 years, she's still angry at me for trapping her only child in my web of seduction, forcing him to have kids with me and live in the US. She's so stupid, if she wasn't so rotten, I'd consider living in the UK. But in reality, it wouldn't matter if I was English and lived in England, she would still be awful to me.

My MIL is a mean, hateful troll. She's said and done so many, many nasty things over the years. I cannot stand her. I hate having her in my house. She's negative and critical and she's a complete nutter. Seriously. Just typing this, my whole body has tensed up.

I'm really not worried about drinking when she's around. She doesn't know that I'm in AA, but she does know I'm a major lush. I'm worried about what to do with all the resentment and negative feelings I have when she's on the scene. My AA friend said to imagine her sick, as if she's vomiting and has poopy pants. But that doesn't make me feel compassion for her. I'm just disgusted by her even more when I think of her that way.

My sponsor said I should pray for her. I should pray that my MIL can feel some of the peace and serenity I've been feeling. But I'm not that enlightened yet. So my sponsor said to pray for the willingness to be willing to pray for her. I don't want to do that, I really, really don't. I mean I can hardly say the words, I'm choking on them. Yuck.

But I also know that all of my bad feelings for her are really not good for me and my sobriety. So I'm going to pray to be willing to pray for her. Ech. But I'll be damned if that beast takes my sobriety. Damn! Damn her! I'm not feeling so serene and content anymore. Damn.