Hey and thanks to everyone who stopped by and said hi and left words of encouragement. You have no idea how much I appreciate it!
I'm doing well. I would be better if I had made a meeting today but I will make it to one tomorrow. I have to work harder at squeezing them in between my kids' and my husband's schedules.
I spoke with one of my brothers today, C. He's great to talk to about getting and staying sober. He is such a good, kind, gentle soul. He said the best thing I can do for me and my kids is get sober. His mother-in-law is a recovering alcoholic. She has been sober for about 20 years now. His sister-in-law is an alcoholic. My brother said that he thinks her 12 year-old son is having some issues, possibly related to her drinking. I hope that she gets into recovery soon.
I didn't think that my drinking affected my kids, because I always was drunk after they were in bed. (I'd start drinking around dinner time, but not get wasted til later). But tonight, my husband was out and it was just me and my kids. If I was not in recovery, I would have been drinking waiting to put them to bed, while I was putting them to bed and after they were in bed. I would have been impatient to get them to bed, so that I could be alone with my booze. Instead, we hung out and watched a movie. Now, when I put my three-year-old to bed, I watch him fall asleep. I'm telling you, that is better than any drink in the world. It is just bliss to watch him nod off to dreamland, surrounded by his stuffed animals and fluffly blankets. I thank my HP everytime I watch him like that.
My older son doesn't need much sleep, I never get to see him fall asleep. But he asks me to lay down with him so he can tell me all about his day. Then he likes when I come into my room to read. He likes to know that I am right here when he falls asleep. That didn't happen when I was drinking.
I am grateful that I am present for my kids in these ways. I am grateful that right not, I know they are safe. I know that someday they'll be out there and I wont know what the heck they're doing, and I'll be scared, because I know what I did when I was younger. I'm grateful that I can make almost anything they're upset about better, just by being here and hugging and kissing them and talking to them.
I'm starting to think that just because my kids never knew I was drunk, doesn't mean that my drinking didn't affect them. And I'm grateful that I see that now.
5 comments:
Hi--
Just want to say that I relate to the way you drank - I too drank mostly at home & didn't allow myself to get really high when they were around. But after a while I never really felt comfortable without a slight fuzziness. I used to lie down with my kids to get them to go to sleep and sometimes I would more or less pass out in their beds. I was a control drinker - never wanted anybody to see me sloppy, but eventually I couldn't control it anymore. Even if we weren't bad parents when we were drinking, though, I think we weren't really present. We spend so much of our conscious thoughts thinking about alcohol or our own alcoholism.
Thanks for your honesty and for sharing with such insight. Your kids are lucky to have such a great sober mom.
Clarity, I can certainly relate to your drinking also. I thought my drinking didn't effect the kids, since I drank mostly after they went to bed. But the treatment they received before bed and in the morning must have been terrible. And as working mom nyc says, I wasn't really present. Today my children, and now grandchildren, can enjoy me being present. It's tough getting to meetings, but that is where we understand and are understood... one day at a time.
me too. I thought my drinking didn't affect my kids. They were little and didn't know what was going on. But I think it affected them profoundly.
Oops, the first comment didn't sound quite the way I meant it.
Very nice insight into how your drinking affects your kids. It has a profound affect on children, even when we think we are "hiding" or "under control" in front of them and only drunk when they sleep. I grew up in it and I also did it with two kids.
Peace from an adult child of an alcoholic and workaholic,
Scout
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