Drinking Buddy

To follow up on my last post, the woman who came to the meeting drunk did not return my or anyone's calls and she hasn't called anyone either. I don't think she's done yet.

My husband's friend finally went back to England, so their non-stop party train has reached the end of the line, finally. Thank Goodness!!!! My husband rolled over the other morning, well actually it was the afternoon, after he had been out with his friend again, and he said, "You're not missing anything, I feel like hell." Then he detailed the various symptoms of his 4th or 5th hangover in a little over a week.

Several women who have gotten to know me better have said that my husband must feel lost now that I'm sober, since we did ALOT of drinking together. And now I'm starting to think like a crazy person, like "Ohhh, he will find some other woman to drink with now, is my sobriety ruining my marriage?" "Does he miss those times, when we would go out drinking together?" We drank together except he stayed at the same level and somehow I did a nose dive into alcoholic hell. I think he resents me for that, that I can't drink "normally" or like him anymore, he's lost his drinking buddy.

I know that is v. effed up. Seriously, wait til I tell my shrink! And my sponsor. So I guess I'll share these thoughts at some meetings, because that always helps. I know that my HP has a plan for me, and it doesn't involve drinking or being with someone who can't handle my sobriety.

Booze Breath

Last night a group of five of us AA "sisters" drove into Manhattan for a great Sunday meeting and to meet my sponsor's sponsor's sponsor's sponsor who is visiting from Seattle and a bunch of other members of our sober "family".

Problem is, one of the women in the car with us, M, was drunk. I was sitting next to her. I could not stand the smell of the booze on her breath, it took over the entire car. She's new to sobriety, she recently completed rehab, but she is having problems staying sober. She goes to Intensive Outpatient Treatment three nights a week. She went into the bathroom during dinner and drank some more.

Everyone in the car was uncomfortable with smelling booze on this woman. I am disappointed with myself because I wanted to be able to help her, but I was angry at her. I had a hard time talking to her. Eventually she was surrounded with people who tried to help her. Literally, they had her against a wall. I hope what they said to her helped her and I hope that she will be okay today. She said she didn't want to be a burden and one of the senior sponsors told her that we all needed her there to help us stay sober too.

I have her phone number, I'll give her a call today. I am going to pray for guidance and direction from my Higher Power on how to act around M and how to be of service to her. There but for the Grace of God go I.

Lotta AA

Just got back from a speaker commitment of one of my sober "sisters". Wow what experience strength and hope. So wise and strong and only 26 years old. I drove her to our 7am meeting and than I had to pick her up again at 7:30pm to make it to the speaking commitment.

Tomorrow morning I'm picking her up and we're going to a 7:30am meeting. That's alot of AA!! I really need this right now.

I am so grateful to be sober, to have the fellowship of AA in my life and the program of AA in my life.

Dont Worry, Pray.

I shared about my twisted thoughts (previous post)in a meeting today. I'm glad I did, a lot of people related and a lot of people came up to me at the end of the meeting and talked about it. Called my sponsor twice. Went to 2 AA meetings. They were both great!

I feel really really sad right now. My husband is so hostile towards me. He is just not a very happy person. I don't know if we are supposed to be together or not, I've given that one to my HP. But I feel bad for my kids if me and my husband don't work out. But I guess I'm worrying for nothing. I heard somewhere, "If your gonna worry, why pray, and if you're gonna pray, why worry?" Wish I could remember where I heard that.

I'm off to do some praying. I hope everyone in blogga-land is doing well today.

Bad and Good

The Bad News:
I didn't go to my meeting tonight
I forgot to call my sponsor for two days now
I didn't make any calls to any AAs today
I didn't go to the gym today
I ate candy ALL day
There's beer in the fridge

The Good News:
I know all of the above is bad news
I know the above is me not working my program, it's not ok
I'm sending my sponsor an email now to tell her I'm alive and stuff
I'm reading the Big Book before I go to sleep even tho it's now midnight
I watched Traffic tonight, a movie with a character that gets way lost in drugs/alcohol and then attends AA meetings
I don't want to drink tonight
I'm going to a meeting with my homegroup tomorrow
I can do all the right things to stay sober tomorrow

Grateful for
Sober blogging Peeps
That I am sober
That I am healthy
My kids are healthy
I painted my dining room today
That my sponsor told me she will never dump me if I forget to call her, but that she will definitely yell at me
That I am still handing my will over to my Higher Power in my marriage even though it's not in my nature, and it is getting ever so slightly easier
That I have two little boys who enjoy playing in the rain

Twisted

My husband's friend from England is visiting us for about a week. There is beer in the fridge. I've been alone in the house with the beer a couple of times. We went to dinner and my husband and his friend shared a bottle of wine in addition to beers. Seriously, tears came to my eyes when they asked for the wine list.

I went to my friend's house today. She knows I'm in the program. Her and her hubby were having beers. I've been around alcohol a lot lately. It's okay, I don't want to drink. Right this minute.

Sometimes a sick part of my brain thinks that in about a year, when I have my act together I can drink again. But when I think it through, I don't want to have A DRINK I want to GET DRUNK. I know that one drink would feel so good, that I would have to be put in a straight jacket to not have another drink. I saw my sponsor at a meeting and told her I was doing just fine. Then I mentioned my sick thoughts. She just laughed and said "Your disease is one of the twisted and sneakiest bastards I've ever come across and you are definitely an alcoholic, don't move out of that chair, because you NEED to be here!! And why do you tell me you're fine, when you think you can go out and drink after a year in the AA program?"

I'm going to share my sick thoughts at every meeting I go to, to break that bastard's back!

My will

I thought that when I gave my will over in my marriage, things were going to be super and everything would be just peachy. Guess what? My husband's acting hostile!! I thought he would be thrilled to have me stop telling him how I thought he should be as a father and a husband. Thankfully I called a wise woman in AA who told me that he is hostile and acting out because I have changed the basic rules of engagement in our marriage. He is trying to provoke me because that is more comfortable for him at this point.

Now I just have to continue to give my will over to my Higher Power! It's not easy, it is really really difficult to face this hostility on the home front, because it's very covert and passive. And it was suggested to me that I assure my husband of my love.

I tried doing marriage my way for about nine years and my husband and we argue about the same things and we've argued the same way. Nine years, same arguments!!! I am more than willing to try a new way. And I can rest easily, assured, serenely that I'm not in charge of everything around here. I'm not the director and my husband's not an actor in my play.

I always knew that life would get better in sobriety, I just never knew how. Now I'm starting to see how it's not just a matter of not drinking, but of staying in conscious contact with my Higher Power and living my life in a different way.

Still willing, grateful and sober.

Waking up

I am so happy to wake up sober everyday. It doesn't matter what happened the day before. Or if I thought of drinking or not. The feeling of waking up clean and unashamed, starting the day with dignity and integrity cannot be beat.

I'm having a problem with my sponsor. And in true alcoholic fashion I've discussed with about 3 people, but I haven't mentioned it to her yet. So I guess that will be my challenge du jour. Which really is a high class problem and a chance to learn and grow more than anything else.

Happy sober Wednesday yuze guys!

Prepare

I had a birthday party for my son today. He's turning four on Tuesday. I didn't excpect it, but the desire to have a drink hit me right at the end of the party. Then a friend from AA, who has a year of sobriety called to check on me. She had come to the party with her three year old. Turns out she always craves a drink when she's hosting a party at her house. Another sober reference, I'll have to be better prepared next time. 135 days of sobriety and I'm certainly not going to lose it at my four year olds birthday party!

It Works!

I gave my marital problems to my HP and AA and now I have some peace and serenity. My husband got home from his trip in the middle of the night last night. We didn't get a chance to talk until after I had returned from my Morning Meditation meeting and my BB study with my "family" this morning. I'm glad I had so much intense spiritual and AA reinforcement before I saw my husband today.

I told my husband that I am trying to keep my side of the street clean and I am trying to let go of the things I have no control over in our relationship. He asked if that meant I was not going to care about him anymore. I said that I'm not in charge of him and our marriage and I don't know if we're meant to be together or not. We've been arguing about the same things in the same ways for nine years now, I want to try it a different way now. I want to change and grow. I told him how hard it is for me to let go and just sit and to try to do the next right thing. He said that he was going to surprise me by changing and growing too!

My poor husband! He was probably waiting for all sorts of drama when he got home. And here I was all calm and collected, I've gone and changed the rules of engagement on him. He probably thinks I've been abducted by aliens. Now all we have to do is walk the talk! Simple, but NOT easy.

Thanks everyone for your help and support. XO

New concept

I am so grateful for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous tonight. My husband is in Dallas again. Same place he was when his blackberry accidently dialed me when he was out drinking with a woman, after he had just told me he was out to dinner with a couple of guys.

He's not communicating with me at the moment. We had a disagreement and he is not returning my instant messages and his cell phone is apparently not working. I feel very hurt and disrespected by my husband right now. I'm not going to drink over it tonight. I'm not planning on drinking over it at all. It's time's like this when I'm on high alert against alcohol, so that's not the worry.

Just not sure what to do with this belly full of really yucky emotions. And not sure what to do with an ongoing marital problem. I've been on the phone with my sponsor for almost 2 hours tonight. She gave me some great advice and insight and reading assignments for tonight. She told me that my HP tapped me on the shoulder to come into AA and he's not going to drop me on my butt now. I really, really needed to hear this tonight. I'm to give this entire situation over to the program of AA and my HP. That's what I can "do" now. Because I always feel like I have to "do" something.

This giving it all to AA and my HP is a totally new and foriegn concept for me. I am humbled and completely willing to do this. More will be revealed.

Reading recovery blogs is what finally got me into the rooms. Lately, I've been thinking I'm not an alcoholic anymore, that I can drink like a normal person, etc. etc. I'm still going to meetings and doing all the other stuff that my sponsor tells me to do. But I have been staying away from recovery blogs and just like the rest of the AA program, I don't know how, but reading others blogs and sharing my own demented thoughts is really important to my sobriety.

The only reason I'm thinking I can drink normally is because I'm 4 months sober now and the shitstorm I lived in while drinking isn't as immediate. But I knew for months, maybe even a year that drinking was destroying me and that I'd have to stop, before I finally quit drinking. I really am insane to disregard all that and in a matter of a couple weeks think that I'm okay now. I know all I have to do is have a drink and I will prove to myself and everyone around me why I do really belong in AA.

I can't even believe that I would even consider having a drink when things are finally going well and I am not filled with hopelessness and self-loathing. Cunning, baffling and powerful.

Hey haven't had much say lately. Lost my acceptance and starting wondering if I was really an alky. I told one of my brothers and a friend or two that I'm not so sure I'm an alky. But they all seemed pretty certain that I am. Pretty funny, how I can be so unsure about what seems pretty obvious to everyone else. But I'm confident I am today.

What sucks worse, so much worse, than being an alcoholic is being on the fence and thinking that you're not, but also knowing that you are. And wanting to drink and knowing that you can't. It's just much easier when I accept that I'm an alcoholic and just cant drink.

Being on the fence like that feels like hell and just sucks the life out of me. I'm praying for rock solid acceptance so I don't have to be on that damn fence.

Awed

Lately, I've been unsettled with my sobriety and it all came to an ugly head yesterday. There's a sick part of me that is trying to convince the rest of me and anyone who will listen that I'm not an alcoholic.

Yesterday, the 4th of July celebrations caught me by surprise. I found myself wanting a drink, almost as much as I wanted to breath. I was in an awful place. Really awful. My sponsor's away and I figured everyone was busy and I didn't want to call to bother them.

My hands started to shake and I started to cry. I hit my knees and prayed. I prayed for guidance. And for this internal struggle to subside. What happened to the acceptance I had a while ago? I started to read my BB. And then my phone rang.

It was another woman in the program who wanted to know what my plan was to stay sober that day. I told her I didn't have one, I was floundering, white knuckling etc. She told me to come with my kids and husband to a BBQ being held by another woman in the program. We went, I was still crying. And another person from AA showed up, and then someone called him who didn't have a plan, and he came over. There ended up to be about 7 people in the program there. I was literally surrounded by people with solid sober time.

I felt so safe there. I was able to relax. I am grateful beyond words. I am awed at how this program works. I am awed at the power of prayer.

Bike Joy Ride

I am so incredibly happy today. My son turned eight in May, he's been struggling to ride a bike without training wheels. We live on a hill, so I need to take him somewhere specifically to practice riding. Many times it's ended with my son in tears, angry and frustrated.

Today, he got on the bike and just rode and rode and rode. I hope I never forget the look of joy on his face.

I'm so grateful that-
my son learned to ride his two wheel bike today
I'm still sober despite my crazy brain
my kids are both healthy and happy
I have everything I need and want
it's summer vacation