Still sober

Jeez, I can't believe it's been such a long time. I got REALLY bogged down with school work and I"m just coming up for air! Such a lot of great things have been happening in sobriety. I"ve only been at this for nine months and life is so much better than I ever thought it could be. By the grace of my HP I am still sober. I am so incredibly grateful for my sobriety, AA, my AA peeps, my friends and family! NOw that the sememster is over I hope to stop over everyone's blogs and see how yuz guys are going.

Bye for now!
XXOO

I didn't know I didn't know

Every time I talk to my sponsor about me and my husband, she doesn't hear me. She hears "marital issues" and starts talking about me trying to be the director, me forgetting that God has a plan, blah blah. Sometimes, she's right and she's said it so many times that I'm pretty careful about what I say to her about my husband and me.

I was speaking to her a couple weeks ago about me and my husband. I had this beautiful story about how my husband was upset with me and we were going on a date. Another AA suggested I invite my HP as a chaperon and to speak to my husband with love from my heart. And it turned out to be a really great date.

Anyway, I was hardly into the story when my sponsor starts with all the stuff that really ticks me off when I feel she's not listening. So I told her that. And she FLIPPED OUT! She really got really really mad. She told me to do a 4th step on her and call her back and let her know what my part in all of it was. I just got to the 4th step, I'd never done one before.

So after talking to a couple of other AA's I called her the next day and told her that I wasn't accepting of her limitations and attitudes when I speak with her about my husband and I keep repeating the same scenario over and over. (she was a serial adulteress when she was active and I really don't think she can stand to hear about my feelings about being cheated on...I didn't say THAT to her!!)

She FLIPPED OUT again. I mean she really went round the bend. Now this was my very first 4th step ever. And I really didn't mean to upset her, I'm just learning this stuff. She said no, your part is that you want me to tell you your husband's an a-hole and I'm not gonna do that because that helps no one. I told her I have plenty of people not in AA who are more than happy to tell me my husband's an a-hole, I don't need to hear that from my sponsor.

She told me that I yelled at her and attacked her. I said, That's so funny, b/c that's what I feel like you did to me! She said no, you did it to me. blah blah. She said I'm not going to even continue this conversation with you, I have never had a situation like this with a sponsee before. And I said, How come you're swearing I yelled at you and attacked you, therefore it's true, but I can't feel like you did the same thing to me? Is it your way only?

Well......she was none to receptive to that. I mean she seriously was blowing a major gasket on the other end of the phone. So she told me to call her sponsor because she couldn't continue our conversation. So now I call her sponsor, crying, all upset. I told her that I didn't yell at or attack my sponsor but I felt v. yelled and attacked by her and how could we move forward from this complete impasse?

Her sponsor told me to accept that my sponsor THINKS I yelled at her. Hmmmm. I can do that. And with that little crack in the door I was able to get back to work and look for my part in it. Did I say she doesn't listen to me in a harsh way? Did I let resentment build up? Am I not hearing her? Do I feel "not heard" in my marriage or other relationships?

The next day my sponsor called me and said, I'm sorry if I was not as calm as I wanted to be, I felt threatened. And I told her, I'm sorry if I said things too harshly, I didn't mean to come across in a mean way or to hurt your feelings. Then we saw each other a couple days later in a meeting and hugged and cried. We're both very dramatic and emotional. We said that we could learn a lot from each other and together we'll be rocketed into the 5th dimension.

I still have to get back to my sponsor's sponsor with my 4th step work on this situation, but I'm still learning about it and thinking about it. I didn't know how much I didn't know, but now I know how much I don't know. I'm grateful to have this program and fellowship to help me learn and get closer to my Higher Power.

My AA Bro

I have a sober family. It is a network of people and we are all connected by our sponsors. I have a sober brother who is straight who is sponsored by a gay woman. Lately, we have been going to a lot of the same meetings and spending a lot of time together and we have a really good time. We make each other laugh a lot and we talk about the program a lot. He hasn't had a drink in 25 years and but he's only been working with a sponsor for about a year.

Anyway, the problem is, I find myself thinking about him a lot. Not in a romantic way or a sexual way. But about the things that we talk about. Like books, movies, sobriety, things that my husband really isn't interested in. My husband will listen to me talk about these things, but sort of with a strained look on his face. Like he wants to be supportive and listen, but he could really care less.

I find myself wanting to call my AA brother when I think of something funny or when I have a spare minute. I would rather go to the movies with him then with my husband. My husband and I are going to marriage counseling since his affair. I find myself being disappointed in my husband because we don't connect on an intellectual level. My relationship with my AA brother helps me to see what is missing in my marriage.

Bummer.

Just beginning

I am so grateful to be sober today. Already, 7 months into sobriety I am doing things that were unthinkable when I was in the thick of my disease. For example, I was able to go to the grocery store after I dropped my son off at school. I could have never done that this time last year. I was actually excited going to the grocery store! They were baking bread in there and it smelled great! The produce looked so beautiful, the bus load of senior citizens did not frustrate me!

I found a new babysitter through a woman in the rooms. I just couldn't seem to find anyone reliable a year ago.

Now this is big, I make dinner before I pick my kids up from school and then go to get the babysitter, then I leave for school!!! Whoa, really I do. I didn't do much cooking when I came into the rooms because cooking dinner was a big trigger for me!

These are mundane things that people take for granted, yet I was not capable of consistently coordinating these things this time last year. In fact, I had to drop my class last year. I stayed home and drank every night instead.

And now I have a fellowship, sober friends, conscious contact with my Higher Power, love, hope and this is only the beginning.

Fall

Hello and thanks to everyone who bothers to still check my blog. I've been on a roller coaster, one day ready to divorce my husband, the next thinking we can work it out. If I can work the steps through this post-affair time, I know that I will come out whole on the other side, no matter what.

Last Friday I had my first really really strong craving for alcohol in a LOOONG time. Well it seems like a long time, thought I've only been in the program for about 7 months!! LOL

Anyway, I made some calls on my way to a meeting and then I was okay. But the craving didn't go completely away and I think I figured out what is going on... The seasons are changing! Voila! I'm such an alky! This time last year was the beginning of the end, and it's my first fall in sobriety. And all these damn Pottery Barn catalogs. Prefall, fall, Thanksgiving, Christmas it seems like there is a wine bottle on every other page. My sponsor says that only alkies would notice something like that.

Oh well, by the Grace of my Higher Power I am still sober and I am so very very grateful for that.

Ok for Today

First and most importantly, I'm still sober, getting to lots of meetings, staying in contact with my network. No matter what comes my way, I'll be ok if I go through it soberly.

I've been working really hard on a lecture I have to give at school which makes up 40% of my grade. It's v. stressful because it's a ton of work and I'm having a hard time finding the time to work on it. I was supposed to give the lecture last night and the Prof. cancelled b/c she was sick!!!!!!

On the marriage front, things have gone from bad to worse. My husband's birthday was on Tues. I didn't celebrate it in the fashion he was expecting. I took the kids to the store to pick out presents, gummy worms, Yankee notepad etc. but I didn't get him a present. We argued the night before his birthday (I wanted to talk about his affair, he's tired of it), and when I called him at work the next day to apologize for losing my temper, we argued more.

My husband has been cold and rude to me since then. I wanted to have a mature, constructive dialog yesterday and all he would tell me is that he's disappointed about his birthday. I tried to talk to him, but he just wouldn't and what he did say was negative and critical.

I feel like I'm trying to work on this marriage and he's just being the same old way that he's always been. I'm outraged that he had expectations of me regarding his birthday after the depth of his betrayal.

Plus, he lied to me again, we had three different conversations about whether the girl he cheated on me with had contacted him. Then a week later he tells me she did call him, he told her not to anymore, but he lied to me b/c he thought I would be upset.

Anyway, that's that. I can't save this marriage by myself. I can't do all the work by myself. I have to accept the things I cannot change. I'm still trying to not make any decisions about my marriage for a year. It's really really hard though. However, it's nothing to drink over. My Higher Power knows what going on, even if I don't. That's ok for today.

Decision

I am going to give this marriage a year. Not for me, for my kids. If it were not for my kids, I would have been out of here a month ago. I'll re-evaluate everything in a year. I need to finish school. I have this semester and next semester. I need to put all of my efforts into school and my kids right now.

Maybe in a year, I'll feel differently. I know I will be a different person than I am now. Because with the grace of God, I will still be sober. I will be working on my steps with my sponsor. I won't be making decisions out of anger and pain. I'll do my resentment prayers for my husband and the other woman. I'll continue my Big Book study. My decision to continue my marriage or end it will be sober, sane and rational. At least that's my plan for now, who knows what my Higher Power has planned.

Now that I've gotten out of the driver's seat, I am at peace. I'm just going to work my program and do the best that I can. I know that my Higher Power has a plan for me and I'm praying for the knowledge of His will for me.

What to do now...........

First of all, I called the husband of the woman my husband was having an affair with. The woman denied the affair and said that I was a crazy, unstable alcoholic. So I put my husband on the phone and he confirmed that yes indeed he did have an affair with this man's "wife". When the man asked how this happened, my husband said to me, "Do you want to tell him?" I said I didn't know why and my husband said "I think you do". I said, "I'm an alcoholic but I've been sober for several months." I actually told some guy that my husband had an affair with his wife because I'm an alcoholic. My husband and I have hashed this out, and he now says that he regrets saying it, but at the time, he really did think he had an affair because I'm an alcoholic.

We've had many many hours of conversations since then. He realizes now that his affair was a diversion, so that he wouldn't have to deal with problems in our relationship and anger and resentment he has towards me because of my drinking.

If I hadn't found out, the affair would have continued. He was thinking of leaving me and my kids for this woman. Now he's realizing that a lot of the things he saw as problems with me and our marriage are actually his problems and indicative of his inability to deal with these things.

Yesterday I started to kick him out, threw his stuff out etc. etc.. I picked my son up from school, but I couldn't go through it. I couldn't break this family up in that way. My kids have been on edge since all this stuff happened, it just didn't feel right. Not in this way.

So now my husband is here. And we are married and playing the role of mother and father. We're good at that. The kids are the glue that is holding this marriage together at this point. If it were not for the kids, I would not want to be with my husband anymore, I wouldn't want him in my life at all. He was actually thinking of leaving me and the kids to start a life with someone new, because that just seemed so much easier and carefree than sticking around here. I am outraged that my kids were so dispensable to him. I am outraged at his narcissism.

But I think that by kicking him out, I would be as self-absorbed as I feel he was. I'm not saying that we will be able to work this out, but I need to go through this in a rational way that is the least damaging for my kids.

Right now, in addition to the pain and anger I feel about my husband's affair, I am really angry about my husband's reaction to my reaction to his affair. After four weeks, he can't believe that I still need to talk about this and that I'm still going on about it.

But I'm still sober, I'm trying to work through all this. Using my program, but I have to go now, my son is crying and needs me. More later.

XO

This time last year....

Everything used to be a reason to drink. The changing of the seasons was a big one. Now that autumn is approaching, I'm faced with a new set of triggers. This time last year was the beginning of my bottom. I knew that I had to stop drinking. I was making some last desperate attempts to drink in a controlled manner.

I am so grateful that I am sober this autumn and that I don't ever have to repeat the things that happened from last September until March, when I finally put the bottle down. I read my journal from last year. It starts around April and it's so sad. Just one desperate attempt to control my drinking, followed by failure and demoralization.

I am incredibly grateful to be sober today and to be a member of AA.

Update

I was going to update my blog tonight, but I just got my four year old to sleep.

I'm okay. I'm alive and sober. I would like to kick my husband out on the street, but my AA peeps are saying I'm a big gaping hole and in no condition to make any important decisions at this time. So I'm in a holding pattern right now. It sucks, but I'm going to get through it.

I'll update more over the weekend.

Let Go

Hey, I'm alive and well and sober. Grateful to be a recovering alky and for the program of AA.

I am at the beach for two weeks, with my "husband", his parents and our two kids. We are staying in a two bedroom apt. It is raining. But I am actively maintaining a conscious contact with my Higher Power. There are meetings here everyday, Sunday's was on the beach.

In-laws are leaving in a couple of days. I thought that the best thing to do would be to try to work things out with my husband. Than I thought the best thing to do would be to end this marriage. My sponsor says I have to complete the steps in order to make a proper decision. I'm on Step two. Right now, I don't know what to do. So I am going to continue Let Go. More will be revealed.

Thanks for all your good wishes.
XO

Betrayal

I don't want to get too much into it at this time, but my husband has been having affair since a little after I came to AA.

The good news is, I have no desire to pick up a drink. I have a solid network, my sober family, who have held me up. They are walking through this with me. I have a Higher Power who has a plan for me. I know that my kids and I will be alright. I hit my knees several times a day. I pray constantly, Thy will be done, Thy will be done.

I don't know what's going to happen, but I will be alright. I have peace and faith and hope in my heart, and it's all because of AA.

More later................

Fear & Faith

I don't like being alone with my own thoughts. It's like being alone with a crazy person. I'm too early in sobriety to be in that scary place. Yesterday and today I was really really crazy. I was angry, sad, scared, anxious...because I don't like what is going on with my marriage and I don't know what the near or distant future holds. Somehow I had lost all of my faith. The opposite of faith is fear.

I spoke with my sponsor. I told her that I wanted to give my husband a tool box, like we have, with the steps and fellowship and conscious contact with a Higher Power. My sponsor explained that my Higher Power tapped me on the shoulder and guided me to AA. I was carried, really carried through my first 90 days. That was my Higher Power. My husband has to hit his emotional bottom, he needs to be tapped on the shoulder by his Higher Power. And just like no one could tell me when it was time to stop drinking, no one can tell my husband how to work through his issues.

I can either be filled with all kinds of really awful feelings and crazy thoughts. Or I can keep reminding myself to have faith, that there is a loving, knowing power so much much much greater than I can even conceive. If I stay with my program, and keep my faith I will be okay.

What to do......

I was able to eat enough to workout at the gym today. Good stuff. Someone came up to me and wondered since I lost such a massive amount of weight if I was okay. I said I was, it's just stress and he said he'd been there. I don't want to go below 110 pounds, I'm trying to keep eating.

My husband is supposed to return from his trip around midnight on Friday. I really don't want him here, in light of the fact that he doesn't even think he wants to be here anymore, his anger, resentment and the fact that he doesn't think he was ever happy in our marriage. I'm not really comfortable having him around. But I want my kids to be able to see him and enjoy a sense of normalcy. I'm not sure what to do. Ask him to go to a hotel or have him come home? I guess he could still come here and see the kids, even if he stays in a hotel. But it would be more normal for them to wake up and have him here on Saturday morning. But if he's going to be moving out anyway, they will have to get used to him not being here.

I am struggling with this one. I don't want to be the Director. I am trying to do what is best for me and my kids. But what might be best for the kids, isn't really the best for me on this one. I'm trying to see what God's will is in this. So then I think I shouldn't do anything, just let my husband show up here. But I need to do what is right for me too. To protect myself physically and to protect my sobriety.

Acceptance

The other night my husband told me that he doesn't think he was ever happy in our marriage and that I'm not what he wants anymore. I've been feeling some peace and hope and acceptance in my heart. I know that I will be okay at the other side of all this. I know that I will love someone and they will love me back, I just don't know if it will be with my husband or not. And it's all because of my Higher Power and the people and program of AA. If I did not have AA, even if I didn't pick up a drink over this, I would be incapacitated with anger, fear, hurt etc.

I have been praying and asking my Higher Power for guidance and I was actually able to feel sorry for my husband. What a coincidence that his father walked out on him and his mother when he was the same age as my son. What a coincidence that his mother's miserable behavior and unwillingness and inability to work anything out with her husband resulted in him first drinking too much and then leaving.

I'm sad that my husband never resolved his father's leaving and the role his mother played in all that. He has a lot of contempt towards his mother and I think contempt toward himself for being like his mother. I wish that he had a program like I do and a network of people that will help him through. I wish that he had faith that his Higher Power has a plan for him and that we will all be okay.

When I pray to my Higher Power for guidance and peace and love, I pray for the same thing for my husband. I'm okay right now in this minute, in this day.

Agony

My husband is moving out. Not sure when, since he's going to San Francisco and then his parents are flying in. He's really very cheerful about the whole thing. Not worried about leaving me and the kids. I think he has a diversion, as in a girlfriend. He just doesn't care anymore. Why the hell did he wait until I was physically ill and had to ask him to leave? If he wanted out so bad, why couldn't he have had the balls to say so? He left in his heart and mind a while ago. If he was every really all in.

I cried ALL day today after me and my husband spoke about him leaving. He was FINE. FINE! Cool as a cucumber. I am devastated. Every time I look at my kids or their toys I start crying thinking of how their world's are going to be rocked in the very near future. I asked my husband to come along with me that we could grow together, he's not interested. Not interested in marriage counseling either.

But I am not drinking. I am reaching out. And let me tell you, when I sent out an SOS my phone rang off the hook. The word that I needed help spread like wildfire. If I was on my cell, my house phone rang, if I was on the house phone my cell rang. Even now as I'm typing this, people are texting me to see if I'm okay. My sober family is beyond awesome. They are going to help me through this. I have felt so much love and support and heard so much great advice. Two different people read different parts of the Big Book with me over the phone today. Then I went to a meeting I've never been to before and shared my situation and just cried and cried.

These are some of the gems that people told me today, "We have a way to live now and not drinking is the most obvious part. But this way of living is our chance to grow and see what our Higher Power's plan is for us."

"If you try to get through this on your own will, it will be much more painful and difficult than if you do it with your Higher Power. Get as close to your Higher Power now as possible to get through this."

"If your going through hell, keep going!"

Not good

Well now I know why I feel like my insides have been through a meat grinder. Even though my husband says he wants to be married to me and be the father of our children, everything else he says and does means the opposite. Apparently he's harboring some hatred towards me.

He told me that he hated my guts while I was drinking. He told me that he was always looking for a way out. He told me the only reason he didn't leave is because he figured I'd accidentally kill myself while drinking and he didn't want my death on his hands. He didn't want his kids to be without a mother. He told me that he was beyond despair over my drinking. I never knew any of this. He just acted like he hated me while I drank and so my solution was to drink more and he hated me more. I asked him why he never told me how much my drinking bothered him and he said he was trying to shame me into stopping. He took pictures and videos of me passed out drunk so that he would have evidence to take my kids away from me, even though they were in their beds. He thinks that we can move forward from here. Yet, again, he doesn't act like it. I asked him if he needed to move out for a while. He said he didn't want to disrupt the kids lives and go to all the trouble. Then he suggested he take some job assignments in different cities.???? I don't know what is going on. But at least now I know why I'm eaten up inside. What he was saying and what he was doing didn't match up.

I told him that I'm working really hard to be the best person I could be. I want him to come along with me, that wonderful things are in store for us. But he is still treating me like he did when I drank all the time. I asked him to react to the person I am now, not the person I was when I was drinking.

I can't eat. I'm a wreck. I'm losing weight rapidly. My therapist told me to get out of the cross hairs. She told me that I need a break from all this because I'm sliding into a bad place. Not that I'm going to drink, but that she can see me going down. She thinks it would be a good idea for me and my husband to be separated right now. My husband's going away, again, next week. Two days after he returns, his crazy effed up parents are flying in from England. Then me, my husband, our two kids and his parents are staying in a 2 bedroom, 2nd floor apartment at the beach. His parents will be there most of the first week. We will be alone with the kids the second week.

Not good. Not good at all. Very not good.
Sober with no desire to drink.

Drinking Buddy

To follow up on my last post, the woman who came to the meeting drunk did not return my or anyone's calls and she hasn't called anyone either. I don't think she's done yet.

My husband's friend finally went back to England, so their non-stop party train has reached the end of the line, finally. Thank Goodness!!!! My husband rolled over the other morning, well actually it was the afternoon, after he had been out with his friend again, and he said, "You're not missing anything, I feel like hell." Then he detailed the various symptoms of his 4th or 5th hangover in a little over a week.

Several women who have gotten to know me better have said that my husband must feel lost now that I'm sober, since we did ALOT of drinking together. And now I'm starting to think like a crazy person, like "Ohhh, he will find some other woman to drink with now, is my sobriety ruining my marriage?" "Does he miss those times, when we would go out drinking together?" We drank together except he stayed at the same level and somehow I did a nose dive into alcoholic hell. I think he resents me for that, that I can't drink "normally" or like him anymore, he's lost his drinking buddy.

I know that is v. effed up. Seriously, wait til I tell my shrink! And my sponsor. So I guess I'll share these thoughts at some meetings, because that always helps. I know that my HP has a plan for me, and it doesn't involve drinking or being with someone who can't handle my sobriety.

Booze Breath

Last night a group of five of us AA "sisters" drove into Manhattan for a great Sunday meeting and to meet my sponsor's sponsor's sponsor's sponsor who is visiting from Seattle and a bunch of other members of our sober "family".

Problem is, one of the women in the car with us, M, was drunk. I was sitting next to her. I could not stand the smell of the booze on her breath, it took over the entire car. She's new to sobriety, she recently completed rehab, but she is having problems staying sober. She goes to Intensive Outpatient Treatment three nights a week. She went into the bathroom during dinner and drank some more.

Everyone in the car was uncomfortable with smelling booze on this woman. I am disappointed with myself because I wanted to be able to help her, but I was angry at her. I had a hard time talking to her. Eventually she was surrounded with people who tried to help her. Literally, they had her against a wall. I hope what they said to her helped her and I hope that she will be okay today. She said she didn't want to be a burden and one of the senior sponsors told her that we all needed her there to help us stay sober too.

I have her phone number, I'll give her a call today. I am going to pray for guidance and direction from my Higher Power on how to act around M and how to be of service to her. There but for the Grace of God go I.

Lotta AA

Just got back from a speaker commitment of one of my sober "sisters". Wow what experience strength and hope. So wise and strong and only 26 years old. I drove her to our 7am meeting and than I had to pick her up again at 7:30pm to make it to the speaking commitment.

Tomorrow morning I'm picking her up and we're going to a 7:30am meeting. That's alot of AA!! I really need this right now.

I am so grateful to be sober, to have the fellowship of AA in my life and the program of AA in my life.

Dont Worry, Pray.

I shared about my twisted thoughts (previous post)in a meeting today. I'm glad I did, a lot of people related and a lot of people came up to me at the end of the meeting and talked about it. Called my sponsor twice. Went to 2 AA meetings. They were both great!

I feel really really sad right now. My husband is so hostile towards me. He is just not a very happy person. I don't know if we are supposed to be together or not, I've given that one to my HP. But I feel bad for my kids if me and my husband don't work out. But I guess I'm worrying for nothing. I heard somewhere, "If your gonna worry, why pray, and if you're gonna pray, why worry?" Wish I could remember where I heard that.

I'm off to do some praying. I hope everyone in blogga-land is doing well today.

Bad and Good

The Bad News:
I didn't go to my meeting tonight
I forgot to call my sponsor for two days now
I didn't make any calls to any AAs today
I didn't go to the gym today
I ate candy ALL day
There's beer in the fridge

The Good News:
I know all of the above is bad news
I know the above is me not working my program, it's not ok
I'm sending my sponsor an email now to tell her I'm alive and stuff
I'm reading the Big Book before I go to sleep even tho it's now midnight
I watched Traffic tonight, a movie with a character that gets way lost in drugs/alcohol and then attends AA meetings
I don't want to drink tonight
I'm going to a meeting with my homegroup tomorrow
I can do all the right things to stay sober tomorrow

Grateful for
Sober blogging Peeps
That I am sober
That I am healthy
My kids are healthy
I painted my dining room today
That my sponsor told me she will never dump me if I forget to call her, but that she will definitely yell at me
That I am still handing my will over to my Higher Power in my marriage even though it's not in my nature, and it is getting ever so slightly easier
That I have two little boys who enjoy playing in the rain

Twisted

My husband's friend from England is visiting us for about a week. There is beer in the fridge. I've been alone in the house with the beer a couple of times. We went to dinner and my husband and his friend shared a bottle of wine in addition to beers. Seriously, tears came to my eyes when they asked for the wine list.

I went to my friend's house today. She knows I'm in the program. Her and her hubby were having beers. I've been around alcohol a lot lately. It's okay, I don't want to drink. Right this minute.

Sometimes a sick part of my brain thinks that in about a year, when I have my act together I can drink again. But when I think it through, I don't want to have A DRINK I want to GET DRUNK. I know that one drink would feel so good, that I would have to be put in a straight jacket to not have another drink. I saw my sponsor at a meeting and told her I was doing just fine. Then I mentioned my sick thoughts. She just laughed and said "Your disease is one of the twisted and sneakiest bastards I've ever come across and you are definitely an alcoholic, don't move out of that chair, because you NEED to be here!! And why do you tell me you're fine, when you think you can go out and drink after a year in the AA program?"

I'm going to share my sick thoughts at every meeting I go to, to break that bastard's back!

My will

I thought that when I gave my will over in my marriage, things were going to be super and everything would be just peachy. Guess what? My husband's acting hostile!! I thought he would be thrilled to have me stop telling him how I thought he should be as a father and a husband. Thankfully I called a wise woman in AA who told me that he is hostile and acting out because I have changed the basic rules of engagement in our marriage. He is trying to provoke me because that is more comfortable for him at this point.

Now I just have to continue to give my will over to my Higher Power! It's not easy, it is really really difficult to face this hostility on the home front, because it's very covert and passive. And it was suggested to me that I assure my husband of my love.

I tried doing marriage my way for about nine years and my husband and we argue about the same things and we've argued the same way. Nine years, same arguments!!! I am more than willing to try a new way. And I can rest easily, assured, serenely that I'm not in charge of everything around here. I'm not the director and my husband's not an actor in my play.

I always knew that life would get better in sobriety, I just never knew how. Now I'm starting to see how it's not just a matter of not drinking, but of staying in conscious contact with my Higher Power and living my life in a different way.

Still willing, grateful and sober.

Waking up

I am so happy to wake up sober everyday. It doesn't matter what happened the day before. Or if I thought of drinking or not. The feeling of waking up clean and unashamed, starting the day with dignity and integrity cannot be beat.

I'm having a problem with my sponsor. And in true alcoholic fashion I've discussed with about 3 people, but I haven't mentioned it to her yet. So I guess that will be my challenge du jour. Which really is a high class problem and a chance to learn and grow more than anything else.

Happy sober Wednesday yuze guys!

Prepare

I had a birthday party for my son today. He's turning four on Tuesday. I didn't excpect it, but the desire to have a drink hit me right at the end of the party. Then a friend from AA, who has a year of sobriety called to check on me. She had come to the party with her three year old. Turns out she always craves a drink when she's hosting a party at her house. Another sober reference, I'll have to be better prepared next time. 135 days of sobriety and I'm certainly not going to lose it at my four year olds birthday party!

It Works!

I gave my marital problems to my HP and AA and now I have some peace and serenity. My husband got home from his trip in the middle of the night last night. We didn't get a chance to talk until after I had returned from my Morning Meditation meeting and my BB study with my "family" this morning. I'm glad I had so much intense spiritual and AA reinforcement before I saw my husband today.

I told my husband that I am trying to keep my side of the street clean and I am trying to let go of the things I have no control over in our relationship. He asked if that meant I was not going to care about him anymore. I said that I'm not in charge of him and our marriage and I don't know if we're meant to be together or not. We've been arguing about the same things in the same ways for nine years now, I want to try it a different way now. I want to change and grow. I told him how hard it is for me to let go and just sit and to try to do the next right thing. He said that he was going to surprise me by changing and growing too!

My poor husband! He was probably waiting for all sorts of drama when he got home. And here I was all calm and collected, I've gone and changed the rules of engagement on him. He probably thinks I've been abducted by aliens. Now all we have to do is walk the talk! Simple, but NOT easy.

Thanks everyone for your help and support. XO

New concept

I am so grateful for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous tonight. My husband is in Dallas again. Same place he was when his blackberry accidently dialed me when he was out drinking with a woman, after he had just told me he was out to dinner with a couple of guys.

He's not communicating with me at the moment. We had a disagreement and he is not returning my instant messages and his cell phone is apparently not working. I feel very hurt and disrespected by my husband right now. I'm not going to drink over it tonight. I'm not planning on drinking over it at all. It's time's like this when I'm on high alert against alcohol, so that's not the worry.

Just not sure what to do with this belly full of really yucky emotions. And not sure what to do with an ongoing marital problem. I've been on the phone with my sponsor for almost 2 hours tonight. She gave me some great advice and insight and reading assignments for tonight. She told me that my HP tapped me on the shoulder to come into AA and he's not going to drop me on my butt now. I really, really needed to hear this tonight. I'm to give this entire situation over to the program of AA and my HP. That's what I can "do" now. Because I always feel like I have to "do" something.

This giving it all to AA and my HP is a totally new and foriegn concept for me. I am humbled and completely willing to do this. More will be revealed.

Reading recovery blogs is what finally got me into the rooms. Lately, I've been thinking I'm not an alcoholic anymore, that I can drink like a normal person, etc. etc. I'm still going to meetings and doing all the other stuff that my sponsor tells me to do. But I have been staying away from recovery blogs and just like the rest of the AA program, I don't know how, but reading others blogs and sharing my own demented thoughts is really important to my sobriety.

The only reason I'm thinking I can drink normally is because I'm 4 months sober now and the shitstorm I lived in while drinking isn't as immediate. But I knew for months, maybe even a year that drinking was destroying me and that I'd have to stop, before I finally quit drinking. I really am insane to disregard all that and in a matter of a couple weeks think that I'm okay now. I know all I have to do is have a drink and I will prove to myself and everyone around me why I do really belong in AA.

I can't even believe that I would even consider having a drink when things are finally going well and I am not filled with hopelessness and self-loathing. Cunning, baffling and powerful.

Hey haven't had much say lately. Lost my acceptance and starting wondering if I was really an alky. I told one of my brothers and a friend or two that I'm not so sure I'm an alky. But they all seemed pretty certain that I am. Pretty funny, how I can be so unsure about what seems pretty obvious to everyone else. But I'm confident I am today.

What sucks worse, so much worse, than being an alcoholic is being on the fence and thinking that you're not, but also knowing that you are. And wanting to drink and knowing that you can't. It's just much easier when I accept that I'm an alcoholic and just cant drink.

Being on the fence like that feels like hell and just sucks the life out of me. I'm praying for rock solid acceptance so I don't have to be on that damn fence.

Awed

Lately, I've been unsettled with my sobriety and it all came to an ugly head yesterday. There's a sick part of me that is trying to convince the rest of me and anyone who will listen that I'm not an alcoholic.

Yesterday, the 4th of July celebrations caught me by surprise. I found myself wanting a drink, almost as much as I wanted to breath. I was in an awful place. Really awful. My sponsor's away and I figured everyone was busy and I didn't want to call to bother them.

My hands started to shake and I started to cry. I hit my knees and prayed. I prayed for guidance. And for this internal struggle to subside. What happened to the acceptance I had a while ago? I started to read my BB. And then my phone rang.

It was another woman in the program who wanted to know what my plan was to stay sober that day. I told her I didn't have one, I was floundering, white knuckling etc. She told me to come with my kids and husband to a BBQ being held by another woman in the program. We went, I was still crying. And another person from AA showed up, and then someone called him who didn't have a plan, and he came over. There ended up to be about 7 people in the program there. I was literally surrounded by people with solid sober time.

I felt so safe there. I was able to relax. I am grateful beyond words. I am awed at how this program works. I am awed at the power of prayer.

Bike Joy Ride

I am so incredibly happy today. My son turned eight in May, he's been struggling to ride a bike without training wheels. We live on a hill, so I need to take him somewhere specifically to practice riding. Many times it's ended with my son in tears, angry and frustrated.

Today, he got on the bike and just rode and rode and rode. I hope I never forget the look of joy on his face.

I'm so grateful that-
my son learned to ride his two wheel bike today
I'm still sober despite my crazy brain
my kids are both healthy and happy
I have everything I need and want
it's summer vacation

Texas Incident

I have to get this out. Though I don't know if I'll ever finish it. In February, right at the end of my drinking, my husband was on a business trip in Texas. He called me to say he was going to dinner with a bunch of guys and that he would talk to me the next day, we said goodnight. Around 15 minutes later my phone rang, it was my husband, or more accurately, his bluetooth. He was at a bar, drinking, with a woman.

He was talking about himself a lot, his technical abilities etc. And ordering more drinks, I listened for about 20 minutes, until I guess he hung up. I called him and asked him what he was doing. Again, he said he was having dinner with the guys. I told him that I didn't believe him and he got nasty. Then I repeated the part of the conversation I heard. He said they were about to leave and this woman, M. a new co-worker, had to give him a ride back to his hotel and he would call me when he got to his room.

About a half hour later I called him back, they were still at the bar. About an hour later, he called and was all pissed off that I was basically heart broken. He was nasty. I felt so betrayed, I felt so helpless, I felt trapped here at home, with the kids in bed. I didn't drink, b/c I didn't drink when I was alone with my kids.

The next day when he got home, I told him that I wanted him to leave, trial separation, b/c I basically felt like I was living with a lying, stranger. He swore up and down that he lied b/c he thought I would be upset and that nothing untoward ever entered his mind and he was sorry sorry sorry.

I basically let it go, told him not to EVER lie to me again, etc. etc. Shortly after that I came to AA. Then I was sick for about 2 months, it never really came up again.

This past Weds. morning, I found him in the laundry room, ironing his shirt, talking on his cell phone. He acted nervous and shifty when he saw me. I asked him what was going on and he said nothing. I felt all sick inside. I said I don't believe you, and he got pissed off. I said you lost my trust, it takes a while to get it back. I said that I will not put up with any sort of crap from him, regarding lying at the v. least. I told him that I wasn't going to snoop around and feel like I was being lied to all the time. I told him that he wasn't worth that.

He was mad. He left for work. He didn't kiss me goodbye, and he didn't call me all day. It was my birthday. I was so hurt. We he finally got home, he took a later train, I asked him if he wanted to be married and in this relationship. He said emphatically yes. Then I said if he did, he should call a marriage counseler b/c that is the only way that I will stay in this marriage with him. Our other issue is that I want him to be engaged with me and the kids instead of treating us like we're pests. He said that really hurt his feelings b/c he wants to be a good dad. He asked me what I wanted him to do, I said maybe he should make a gratitude list. He told me he would, if I remind him to. WTF?

We settled down, but he never called a marriage counseler. I have not been able to cook dinner since this incident when he was on his trip. Being in the kitchen at dinner time is a trigger anyway, because that's when I would start drinking for the day. But since this incident in Texas, the thought of making dinner for the family turns my stomach. I really cant do it. I order take out, or I make something small for the kids, but I don't really eat dinner and my husband's a big boy, he can take care of himself.

Tonight he was bitching at me about my eating habits, how I just graze I never sit and eat big meals. I said, I lost 14 lbs. so what's your damage? He said well there might be other people in this house who would like you to make meals for them. I told him that I'm working on it and that I haven't been able to since he lied to me and went out drinking with some woman. He said, "I told you I was sorry, what else do you want?" I told him I wanted him to understand how much the whole thing rocked my world, and how acting like a shit towards me on my bday tells me he's not all that remorseful and doesn't really have a concept of how I feel about it. That was almost 3 hours ago, he hasn't spoken to me since.

I'm gonna go call my sponsor now.

These days

I finally finished school yesterday. Handed in my final paper, which was really really really REALLLLLY fricking hard. I'm very relieved that it's all over.

Life is getting better and better now that I am sober. I am seeing so many things now that the fog has lifted after 100 and something days. Many of these things were there while I was still drinking and the only thing I could do about them then is drink myself into oblivion. But now I can see these things with so much clarity it is unbelievable.

I can have a drink anytime I want to, but today I choose not to. Things are too good now. I wouldn't want to trade any of this in.

Cant wait to get back in the blogging groove with all of you!

XXXOOOO

I love reading the Big Book with someone who knows it well, like my great-grand sponsor. We only got to pg. 64 of Ch5 this morning, but these are some of the lines I underlined today and they have reverberated with me all day:

Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.

Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power-That One is God. May you find Him now.

Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible.

Big Book, Ch.5, How it Works

I'm sober and I'm so grateful

Man news!

I'm here and I'm going strong. Made it to a 7am meeting today, which is a miracle. Really.

When I got home from school last night, my husband had cleaned the entire house and threw away all the moldy food in the refrigerater!!!!! Isn't that sweet? What a nice gesture. AND he........Made the bed this morning!!!!! He actually stepped away from his computer and his blackberry for about three hours last night. Okay, he had the wireless laptop with him, but still!!!!

This is major news, but you're hearing it here first folks!!!! This isn't even what we don't get along about, but he's pulling out all the stops. What a guy!

Yellow Wood

First off, thanks to my wise and wonderful blogging friends, you have kept me afloat when I was starting to sink.

Just got off the phone with my sponsor. Glad I called her, because in addition to considering dumping my husband, I was starting to SERIOUSLY doubt I am an alcoholic. Apparently, I glided through my first 90 days with the greatest of ease and now it's time to roll up my sleeves and get to work and it's going to get messy. So now I'm standing in THE famous yellow wood, looking at two divergent paths, and I am NOT going to Shit Island.


The Road Not Taken-Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black,
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back,

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence;
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference.

Venomous snake

I don't know why my husband has been giving me such aa attitude and cold shoulder lately. He acted like this when I drank and he used my drinking as an excuse to be a venomous snake to me. I even said to him, what are you going to do with all that venom when I get sober? He's very passive-aggressive so I can surmise that he's got his knickers in a twist, but I can only guess at the cause of the twistedness. He says he's been an angel and has no idea what I'm talking about.

Do spouses get left behind in sobriety? Is he invested in my failure? Does he want me to succeed at sobriety? Can he evolve with me? Can I stay with him if he doesn't? Does he even want to evolve? What's it like to be in a long-term relationship with someone who's not on some sort of spiritual path?

I'm just putting that all out into the universe, so that it's not in my head while I try to write my final paper for my summer class tonight.

Shit Island

Ran around all day Friday doing stuff that depletes me. Like grocery shopping. With my 3 1/2 year old. The last thing I had to do that day was go to a barbeque.

I rushed into it, I was tired, I was hungry, I was angry (at my husband). Everyone seemed to be having such a good time, and they were all slightly buzzed. I didn't really know the people there that well and that threw me for a loop. The host's mom was there, she's terminally ill with cancer. I helped my mom fight to live while she was dying. If your loved one is dying, I can help you, because I know how you're feeling. But I just didn't feel comfortable talking to this woman, I just didn't know where she was emotionally in the dying process. I didn't drink there, I didn't really think about it too much.

However, I got home and I was truly spent, emotionally, physically, spiritually.
I thought maybe I would take a vacation from AA and sobriety for the summer. And that thought did not make warning sirens go off in my head. I called my sponsor, I prayed, and then I fell asleep reading the Big Book.

I got up at the crack the next morning and went to an AA meeting. I was telling my friends at breakfast afterwards that I had thought of taking a break for the summer. My friend said, "Oh a break, that sounds fun! Where are you thinking of going?" I said, "I was thinking of taking a break from AA for the summer". My sponsor chimed in, "She wants to go to Shit Island." LOL

I realize that I forgot I'm an alcoholic and I can't spend a day doing things that deplete me. I can't go unarmed into social alcohol fueled situations. I was unsettled, not serene and that bothered me, dammit!! Why was I thinking it had to be all or nothing? Things don't either have to be really great or really shitty in sobriety. Sometimes they just are. I decided to rip up my one-way, non-stop ticket to Shit Island and stick around.

Respite

Juss taking a little respite from blogging for the weekend. Unless there's any breaking news! Sometimes I feel a little self-absorbed blogging about the banal or crazy thoughts clanking around inside my head. I know a blog can be for self-examination, and my intention is to log and share ideas about my burgeoning clarity and sobriety. But it just feels like it's all about me, me, me!!!!! I'm bored with myself.

I'm looking around to spread my newfound spirituality, serenity, and hope on some poor unsuspecting souls. Make it about "we". I'll let you know if I get locked up or punched out or what not.

Have a super sonic weekend!! XXOO

Sneaky Bitch

I wasn't going to go to my summer class tonight. I was laying down with my little guy, he had a fever. My husband was working from home. It was thundering out. I was really tired. The drive to school is only a couple of miles and it can take almost an hour in rush hour traffic along a shiteous parkway through some of the ugliest parts of the US of A. Moooooooooan!

Then I applied AA to the situation, I had prepared a lot for this class. I might be able to bring something to the discussion and maybe help someone else out.

So I picked my lazy bones up and off I went. That's AA working in my life. Because once I skip a class, I start feeling really bad about myself, not following through on committments, old tapes playing in my head and then what? Would I start skipping AA meetings too? Cunning this disease, you know? Always looking for a way in. Something innocuous, like skipping a class! Ha, not today you sneaky Bitch!

So grateful to be sober today and to be practicing the principles of AA in all my affairs!!!

Amazed and Clear

If you've been reading my blog for a while, you'll remember my friend D. She was my partner in crime before I got sober, but she hasn't handled my sobriety well. I went out to dinner with her and my other BFF J. last night. The day before the dinner, D. called J. to see what the "drinking status" was. We were going to an Italian place and she wanted to be able to drink red wine. For a couple of reasons I was heading into our evening with annoyance and trepidation.

I spoke with my sponsor, I hit my knees before I went out and then I called another person from AA. She just happened to be in the car in front of me (!!), so we stopped and had a f2f chat. I worked my AA program and I was able to walk into that restaurant with compassion and love for my friends.

After dinner, I told my friends I was going home, if they wanted to head to a bar. Instead, we got in my car to listen to a CD a friend had made. We ended up sitting in my car for about two hours, listening to music and talking. Our friendship is now on a new level, one based on me being sober, that is better than the one we had before.

I am amazed and I am crystal clear about the miracles of AA. My heart is overflowing with gratitude.

Soft Steel

I went on a job interview once. The interviewer said I was "soft steel". Very sweet and soft on the outside and very strong on the inside. I thought he was a presumptuous jerk. But anyway, I use his term to describe my sponsor.

She is younger than me. She is very sweet and cuddily. She likes to hug and hold hands, blow kisses, call me sweetie, tell me that she loves me. Sometimes I think I need someone more forceful and stronger. But when I start talking crazy, she gets really steely!

I casually mention to her that I'm going to a cocktail party tonight and that it's not a big deal and she practically reaches through the phone and bitch slaps me! She always tells me, "You're an alcoholic!" and "This might be a good time to write down your 10 worst drinking experiences!!!!".

Tomorrow night I'm going out to dinner with my friends. My friend asked "What does your sponsor say about you going to dinner with us?" I said, "I'm not even going to tell her, because she gets so worried about it. But this is what she would say, 'You're an alcoholic and you might feel okay about your friends drinking at dinner now, but tomorrow a switch could click in your head and you may not be okay anymore. I suggest you bookend your dinner with calls to me and know that you can walk out of there at anytime'".

After I said this to my friend, I realized that my sponsor would be so right. I need to be straight with her and follow her suggestions or why bother having a sponsor at all? Why not just abstain from drinking on my own, because that always worked out so well in the past....HA!

Cement shoes

I'm so grateful for all you bloggin peeps. This is another great tool in my sobriety tool box and you are all so smart and intersting and funny. To tell you the truth, I've been a little blah since the excitment of 90 days has worn off. I've just felt like I've been wearing cement shoes or something.

But.....I went to a meeting tonight and now I'm back in the game. I just love being at this meeting. Sometimes I just sit back and look around and think "what a great group of people". Meanwhile they are sharing about their times in jail, and multiple rehabs, DUI's. Recovering people who are working their programs and show up at meetings and share just have a certain "je ne sais quoi".

I had to jump through some major flaming hoops to get to the meeting tonight, it would have been easier to not go. But I am so glad I went and now I get to come home and stalk you bloggers! Ain't life grand?

Drunk dream

Well I did it! I made it to 90 days! As of today, I have 92 most excellent sober days.

I had a crazy drinking dream last night. In my drinking dreams, I always think I'm drinking in control and having a good time only to be devastated to find out that I blacked out most of the night. In my dream last night, I woke the morning after, covered with scrapes and bruises, very sore. People kept coming up to me to talk about all the stupid drunken things I did, that I could not recall. Someone showed me a video of me trying to walk, two guys had to pick me up off the floor and I was not wearing my own clothes. It was horrible, scarey. I can't stop thinking about it.

I'm so very grateful I woke up sober today and I will go to bed sober tonight.

Great and Full

I'm so grateful............

For My Higher Power

That I am sober

My family and I are healthy

I have everything I need

For Beautiful sunny days

J. (who lost her sobriety after 18 years) just moved into a shelter was at a meeting this morning and I gave her my number b/c she is not happy at her new "home"

A posh woman from my gym drove up to the meeting in her v. posh car, scared sh*tless b/c she was coming to her first AA mtg. and I got to walk in with her.

For my friends

That I am hopeful and happy

A process

Somewhere in New Jersey at an AA meeting today:

Me: I'm 4 classes away from my masters and my workout and meeting schedules are all bolluxed up. I have to put my sobriety first and sometimes being an alcoholic just sucks. WAH, WAH, WAH...

F: I learned a lot more from AA than I did from my masters degree.

As I'm walking to my car from the meeting, J. who's moving into a shelter tomorrow says. "Yea, doesn't being an alcoholic suck sometimes? But your sobriety is a gift. I was sober for 18 years and I started to drink again, and for the life of me I can't get sober again."

Later that same day:

Me to my sponsor: I was stressing out about how to do everything I want to do, and be a good mom, and put my sobriety first. Then I remembered that I have a Higher Power and I don't have to worry about all that stuff. I can trust my Higher Power that everything's going to be ok.

My sponsor: Yup, that's right. And what takes you away from AA will be taken away from you by alcohol.

I was being an ungrateful brat. I was jeopardizing my sobriety. I was trying to run the show. I am grateful beyond words to be a part of AA and to get my butt kicked back in line today. Sobriety is a process.

Quickie

I have a class at night now. Mon. Tues and Thurs. It's throwing off my meeting and workout schedule and I'm crochety about it. So I got a big fat candy bar, ate almost all of it and when I peeled away the final bits of wrapper, there was a frickin' larvae type worm thing crawling around. Not the consolation I was looking for. Serves me right for pigging out on chocolate, I learned my lesson. Won't be doing THAT again!

I want this to end. I want to be done being an alcoholic. Pam is right, sometimes sobriety is exhausting. But I want to be sober more than I want to drink so I'm good. Went to a meeting tonight, 3 guys just coming back. It was good to be there. It's a miracle any of us get and stay sober.

I'm going to hold on tight to my program. Gotta go do my homework. Sigh.

ABC's

Ahhh- the work of Lushgurl...I got tagged by Shadow, I'll get you two for this!!!!!

A- Attached or Single? - I don't like that word "attached", but I am
B- Best Friend- J, she's so smart and funny and sweet and loyal and thinks I'm cool
C- Cake or Pie- Cake, carrot cake, canoli cake, chocolate cake
D-Drink of choice- tea, hot or iced and half case of seltzer a week since sober
E- Essential Items- a wire hanger and a swiss army knife
F- Favorite color- green and/or blue or a combo of both
G- Gummi Bears or Worms- Twizzlers are MUCH better than either Bears or Worms
H- Hometown- Ardmore, PA
I-Indulgence- Regular coke, so much caffiene and sugar, so decadent!
J- January or February?- January, a new start.
K- Kids- 2 boys, 3 and half and eight years old, they are my whole world!
L- Life is incomplete without- Love, sex and rock n roll
M- Marriage Date- Nov. 7th, 1998
N-Number of Siblings- 3 most excellent younger bros.,
O- Oranges or Apples?- Apples, sweeter, better texture & crunch for oral fixation
P- Phobias/Fears- Injections, I pass out from them, even if I'm laying down.
Q- Favorite Quote- "Though nothing can bring back the hour of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower, we will grieve not, rather find, strenght in what remains behind". Wordsworth
R- Reason to Smile- waking up sober, hugging and kissing my kids, having a cup of tea, in that order
S- Seasons- gotta be summer. i love the long, hot days, the lazy sunsets, dusk, the garden, night times outdoors, swimming, not having to put layers and layers of clothes on, driving my car with the roof down, ice cream, the heat! (this is Shadow's answer, and I stole it from her)
T- Tags- Hmmm, jeez, I don't know, I'll have to think about that one.....
U- Unknown fact about me- I have psychic abilities
V- Vegetarian or oppressor of animals? - Veggie, but my husband's a carnivore
W-Worst Habit- Not flushing the toilet, it took forever to get hot water after a flush in the house I grew up in. (great way to piss off a bro. havng a shower, hee hee) Hubby's not pleased, but I always blame it on the kids.
X-X-rays or ultrasounds- ultrasounds, aren't Xrays radioactive or something?
Y- Your Favorite Food- cheese and crackers and olives and grapes
Z- Zodiac- Cancer

Looking....

I'm looking for that feeling of spirituality that I had a while ago. I'm praying and reading the BB. I'm sure it's all around me, I just need to tune in. 78 days sober. My HP is definitely with me, I just don't feel as serene and spiritual as I did before. I know it's going to be okay.

My trigger, my son

Sorry this is a little long, and this is the abridged version...haha...

My oldest son L. just turned eight. He is intense. VERY, VERY intense. He has been this way since the second he popped out of my body. He was never really able to soothe himself as a baby and it's sort of continued to this day. This is a MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR trigger for me.

My son has been assessed as "gifted". This is great, but it is also a curse. I think one of the reasons he's gifted is because he takes a lot in. He has invisible feelers, he can pick up on the tension or the joy in a room. He grasps things easily and remembers everything! But it's a burden for him because he feels things intensely. He has moments where he gets "the thing", which is an overwhelming feeling of sadness or worry or anxiety or all of these emotions at the same time. I talk him "off the ledge" so to speak, or I have him draw a picture about it (which has resulted in him being a really great artist) or other things to calm him down. I held him back a year in school because emotionally he was not ready, he was hitting himself in preschool when he got stressed.

I will do anything for my kids and I've gone to great lengths to help my son. Books, therapy sessions, anything, etc. etc. I used to pray for HP to take from me whatever it took to help my son feel good and at peace and to please help my son.

My son is in a tailspin about something right now. Last night I talked to my therapist about it and I'm getting really, really sick of people telling me shit like, let him know you love him, give him reassurance, set limits, talk it out, don't talk it out with him blah blah blah. Eight years I've been doing whatever I can for this kid and it is never enough. His need is bottomless. No matter how much I give, it is never enough for him and he sucks me dry. I am left utterly spent. I need acknowledgment that his needs are special and unique and not the run of the mill bullshit you can hear on Oprah for Pete's sake.

My therapist says maybe he's anxious because I was drinking and couldn't address his needs. Bullshit. And I say no I didn't drink like this eight years ago. I did not drink then to check out. When my son is "off" it's a trigger for me. I'm looking for a way in sobriety to deal with it instead of checking out with a bottle of wine. For fuck sake!

I have a brother with a similar disposition. He was diagnosed as bi-polar or schizophrenic or a combo of the two. I haven't seen or spoken to my brother in three years. He doesn't want me and my other brothers to know where he is because he paranoid. I check the John Doe's in the state where I think he's living to see if there are any unclaimed bodies that might be my brother. He breaks my heart.

I am scared shitless that my son is going to take his first drink and FINALLY be able to soothe himself and become an alky like me, or he'll end up being committed like my brother was. My son is terrific and has a lot of really great qualities, but when something bothers him, it rocks his whole world. When his world is rocking, so is mine. I am too emeshed with him, I feel his pain and hurts.

Sorry for the long rant, I want the peace of mind, acceptance, spiritual solution many of you have found in sobriety. It's the only way I can deal with this particular trigger. I had no desire to drink over this yesterday. 75 kickass sober days!

Working with Others

"Let your friends know they are not to change their habits on your account. At a proper time and place explain to all your friends why alcohol disagrees with you. If you do this thoroughly, few people will ask you to drink. While you were drinking, you were withdrawing from life little by little. Now you are getting back into the social life of this world. Don't start to withdraw again just because your friends drink liquor". BB pg. 102

I have two best friends. The three of us did a lot of "research" trying to disprove that I'm an alcoholic. Believe me, we were thorough in our research. I tried a lot of things, only drinking on the weekends, only drinking light beer, being the designated driver. But alas, on my knees bloody and bruised, I had to admit I am, in fact, an alcoholic. The three of us have only gone out once together in the 73 days since I've been sober. And seriously, they were way more worried about it than I was. They felt like they needed to go to an Al-Anon meeting before we went to dinner. I told them they could carry on as usual, but they would not drink while we were out.

My sponsor says I am lucky that my friends don't feel comfortable drinking around me and that they are giving me a gift I should accept. I'll listen to my sponsor because she knows more than I do. However, I don't think my friends should feel they need to shield me from their drinking. I have my sober peeps on the other end of the phone and I'm in a good place spiritually right now. I'm not trying to put myself around alcohol "to steal a little vicarious pleasure from the atmosphere". I just don't want my friends to feel so awkward when we are together in a nice restaurant celebrating a birthday or something. It's just early days I guess.

Holding Hands

Almost ten years ago, I held my mother's hand as she softly took her last breath. Two years later, I held my father's hand as he faded from consciousness until the doctors made me leave while they unsuccessfully tried to resuscitate him. The following day, my mom's father, my granpop died. Six months later, my brother's brother-in-law died at age 47 of brain cancer.

I was really, really pissed off at God for a while. I couldn't understand why lovely, kind, vibrant people had to be eaten alive by cancer while some dangerous criminal somewhere got to live. Even now, I can hardly bare to think of my brothers' agonized faces as we went through all those losses together.

I still don't understand why all that happens. But I'm not mad at God anymore. I think one of the reasons it took me so long to get to AA is because I just couldn't see how an HP would take care of me, when that HP took so much from me.

Today I found out a mom in my neighborhood is visiting her father in hospice care. He may live about six more weeks. Another family that we're friends with was just told that their mother's stomach cancer is no longer treatable. My "sober sister's" mother's cancer has continued to progress, she is in excruciating pain and will be spending Mother's Day in the hospital. Another sober sister's Uncle died when we were all at a meeting together this Tuesday night. A woman from this morning's meeting is in the hospital and is not expected to make it.

I am grateful that I am sober today so that I can share my experience, strength and hope of terminal illness, loss, grief with some of these people. Maybe that is why I had some of the experiences I've had, to be there for someone and hold their hand. Maybe my HP waited until I was sober to put all these people I can help in my path.

My hands are still shaking from what I just saw. I was coming out of my Dr's office and I saw a guy stumble/fall off of a bus. From the momentum, he continued stumbling into a hedge. Then he bounced back toward the bus. He was like a rag doll, he didn't put his hands down to stop his fall(s). He fell down and I didn't see him anymore. I started to run over to where he was and the bus was about to pull away. A woman on the bus jumped out of the back door of the bus and made the driver stop.

The man's body was on the sidewalk and his head was in the street under the bus. A river of blood was running down the hill from his head. He was drunk, it was 9:00am. The woman ran into the Dr's office and they called 911 and a bunch of doctors ran out. I rubbed his back and told him everything was going to be okay and I'd stay there until the ambulance came. I said a prayer for him and the woman from the bus told me she's NEVER on this bus. I told her she was an angel today, she stopped the bus from running over this guy's head. She said, "Yes, it's the Lord's work that I was here today".

There but for the grace of God go I.

Half Measures

Tonight's meeting topic was "Half Measures". Many people shared that they've gone out because they did not give themselves completely to the program and follow what was suggested to them.

My sponsor told me to call three other alcoholics today. I figured I called her, so that was one. I called another woman and she wasn't home, that's two and I put off the third call until it was too late. Why do I have to call three other alcoholics? I don't know, but if I don't follow through on what my sponsor tells me to do, I'm not giving my recovery 100%. It's simple, call three alcoholics. But it's not easy for me. Isn't that stupid? Guess I'll call six alcoholics tomorrow and put as much effort into my recovery as I used to put into my drinking.

Waterworks

I'm not sure why, but for some reason I started crying at the meeting today, and I couldn't stop. It has something to do with my friend D. We did a lot of drinking together, of course I was always more drunk and more out of control.

She has seen me bloodied and bruised from drinking, literally. She has spoken with my husband when he didn't know what the hell to do about my downward spiral. She spoke to me while I was in the ER as a result of my drinking. She did not have a problem being on the scene when I was a mess.

But now that I am attempting to get my act together, she doesn't want to know from me. I don't understand why. I heard from our mutual friend that D's marriage is still in the shitter, but that she's staying in it unless she meets Mr. Right who will love her and her kids.??? Huh? I feel very, very bad and very sad that her marriage is still a mess and that her kids are in the middle of it all the time. She is very unhappy about her life and also she is depressed about her relationship with me. It's just not the same anymore, we rarely speak. I don't want it to be like it used to be though, I'm not depressed about that.

Not to get bogged down with gory details, but I was with her the last time I drank. We got in a fight because she wanted to go home and I wanted to stay out drinkinkg. The next morning, I didn't remember the details of the fight, just that we had one about drinking. It was then I decided to go to AA and address my "drinking problem".

We spoke about our fight and I thought we were okay. But she doesn't want to hear about my sobriety, or what getting sober is like or anything for that matter. She doesn't seem to be able to handle the fact that I'm not drinking. And I don't know why I couldn't stop crying about it at the meeting today.

PS-Sober family and I are alright, I have not been disowned. :)

On my way....

Thank you so much for those of you who offered your thoughts on my last post. I'm in a little bit of a tailspin about the whole thing, but just a little. I am on my way to a meeting to see a bunch of peeps from my "sober family", so I will find out if I'm in the dog house for skipping their gathering. I'm thinking everything should be okay. All this drama is BS, I don't need this and it's of my own making.

My sponsor actually called me yesterday to tell me what a great time they all had at the gathering and how much I would have liked it. Instead of being crazy and paranoid, and thinking that she is being passive aggressive or some such nonsense, I am going to assume she was just being nice and keeping in touch.

We'll see how it goes...........Hey and on the bright side: 66 days sober!

Peer Pressure

Early this week, my sponsor told me about a "sober family gathering-baby meeting" that her sponsor's sponsor and friends were having today. At first I told her I might go. Then she told me this gathering was taking place in Manhattan. I told her I wasn't so sure I could make it. She told me that everyone would be going to a meeting after the gathering, but we would just head home and skip the meeting.

After a lot of thought, I decided to skip this gathering. I felt that I would only be attending this gathering in response to pressure from my sponsor to do so. I was torn because I want our relationship and my relationship with my "sober family" to work out. By sober family I mean my sponsor's other sponsees, her sponsor and her sponsor's sponsees, my "grand sponsor" etc. We all go to a lot of the same meetings, and we often speak with each other during the week. We all go to a 7:30 meeting on Saturday morning and then our "family" meets and has our own BB meeting.

I am starting a summer course towards my master's degree in two weeks. I only have three or four classes to go to finish this program. This course will be intense and I will be working my ass off, especially on the weekends. I wanted to spend time with my family today, because once this course starts, I am not going to have free time on the weekends.

I explained this to my sponsor. She wasn't so nice about it. She said that she would like to spend time with her family today, too. But that we were strongly, strongly encouraged to attend this gathering. She also told me that if I didn't attend these types of gatherings, my family wouldn't have me around to spend anytime with at all. But that I could decide if I wanted to take her advice or not.

I'm a little pissed off that she didn't respect my boundaries on this one. I'm committed to my recovery and I take her up on her suggestions. If I wasn't taking a course this summer, I would have attended the gathering despite the fact that it's on a Sunday afternoon (what I consider family time). Am I in the dog house now with my whole "sober family"? If so, am I going to have to find a whole new group of meetings? Is my sponsor going to respect my boundaries? Does she expect me to blindly follow her instructions no matter what my gut tells me?

She wants me to call her everyday. If I have nothing to say, I can just leave a message that says, "Hi, it's me and I'm an alcoholic". Do I want to do this? Nope, but I will. I'll go to meetings when I don't want to. I'll do a lot of things I don't want to, but not when I tell her "No, I'm not going to do that". Does that mean I'm not willing to go to any lengths? Does that mean I'm doomed for relapse? I sure as hell hope not.

Obsession, Patience and Procrastination

My obsession to drink has been lifted (for now). But I know it is patient, waiting for me to let my guard down. I can keep that obessesion at bay by being patient and not procrastinating. When I am closely connected with my Higher Power I am content and serene. When I'm losing my patience easily, I need to find my spiritual center.

Like many people, I procrastinate about things I don't want to do or that I find unpleaseant. For example, I'm pretty shy and sometimes I put off RSVP'ing to my son's friends' birthday parties. I put it off and put it off because I'm uncomfortable making that phone call. Then I start to feel stressed because it's getting closer and closer to the party date and this mom still doesn't know if my child's attending the party. Simple things like that I procrastinate about!!! Duh! When I do that, I'm messing with my contentment and serenity. Can you imagine the lather I can get myself into when it's something really bad and uncomfortable?

In sobriety, I've noticed the way I feel physically when I'm inpatient or I procrastinate. I wasn't really aware of these physical sensations when I was drinking. For me, recognizing these sensations and working to act in a way that minimizes them is a growth process. This is the type of growth I was hoping to find in recovery. It's still early days and I'm already evolving towards the person I would like to be.

"Established on such footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn". BB, Chapter 5, pg. 63

I got the POWAH!

Thanks everyone for stopping by and offering your wisdom regarding my evil MIL. I so appreciate your advice. Even my husband is on edge a little and it's his mother! Look at the power we've given this woman! Hey, I want my POWAH back! And listen, I got my breast MRI results back and they are clean, my mammogram is clean and my ultrasound, too. My son is turning eight this weekend. I'm going to get him a lizard or a hamster or something. I'm sober for somewhere around 60 days. The days are getting longer and sunnier. Things are GOOD, man! I'm just going to take troll-woman one minute at a time, one day at time. Piece of piss! Easy-peezy lemon squeezy. Well, no, maybe not easy, but simple? Yes.

Sunlight

I want the sunlight....

. . . harboring resentment is infinitely grave. For then we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. AS BILL SEES IT, p. 5

I'm going to get down on my knees and pray to overcome this resentment towards my MIL.

Willingness for willingness

I'm still sober and content and serene. There were some moments where I wasn't so serene. But going to the gym and working out like a maniac helps. Here's the deal. My mother-in-law is flying in from England on May 2. Usually when she is around, my husband and I have a major drinkfest. After what? 9 years, she's still angry at me for trapping her only child in my web of seduction, forcing him to have kids with me and live in the US. She's so stupid, if she wasn't so rotten, I'd consider living in the UK. But in reality, it wouldn't matter if I was English and lived in England, she would still be awful to me.

My MIL is a mean, hateful troll. She's said and done so many, many nasty things over the years. I cannot stand her. I hate having her in my house. She's negative and critical and she's a complete nutter. Seriously. Just typing this, my whole body has tensed up.

I'm really not worried about drinking when she's around. She doesn't know that I'm in AA, but she does know I'm a major lush. I'm worried about what to do with all the resentment and negative feelings I have when she's on the scene. My AA friend said to imagine her sick, as if she's vomiting and has poopy pants. But that doesn't make me feel compassion for her. I'm just disgusted by her even more when I think of her that way.

My sponsor said I should pray for her. I should pray that my MIL can feel some of the peace and serenity I've been feeling. But I'm not that enlightened yet. So my sponsor said to pray for the willingness to be willing to pray for her. I don't want to do that, I really, really don't. I mean I can hardly say the words, I'm choking on them. Yuck.

But I also know that all of my bad feelings for her are really not good for me and my sobriety. So I'm going to pray to be willing to pray for her. Ech. But I'll be damned if that beast takes my sobriety. Damn! Damn her! I'm not feeling so serene and content anymore. Damn.

Fine

Fine day. 52, 53 sober days now? I'm not sure. Sober, content and serene today. Thank God. I'm so grateful. So very, very grateful.

Uplifted

I went to a meeting tonight. I had not been to a meeting since last Tuesday. I was too sick and then I put family before the meetings. I am still sober. 51 days today. I had a drinking dream last night. In the dream, I thought I only had two drinks, but then I couldn't remember how I got home. I decided the next day to go back on the wagon, so I lied to everybody and said I was still sober. Of course, everyone saw through my lies. It was scary. I really felt drunk in the dream!

I was talking to a friend from AA today and we were saying how much we both needed a meeting really soon. It is hard for me to describe how I feel when I am at a meeting. Relaxed, relieved, understood are some of the words that come to mind.

A gentleman shared this evening about attending AA meetings in Rio. He went to one being held in English and then a guy asked him if he wanted to go to the one that was in Portuguese. Even though he could not understand a word being said, he was uplifted. He described it as part of his spiritual experience in AA. I can relate to that completely. Uplifted is how I feel at meetings.

Today I am so very grateful that

I am still sober after 51 days

My antibiotics worked and I feel better than I have in about two months

My son's eye issue has resolved itself, which is good because I was not able to get any medication in his eyes.

Even though both of my kids are home on spring break, I was content today. That would have NEVER happened in my drinking days.

I am going to what has been described as a very big, very powerful AA meeting in Manhattan tomorrow night with a fine group of AA women.

I went to dinner on sat. night to celebrate a friend's birthday and both of my "normie" friends chose not to drink to support me. Solidarity baby!

My husband had his bitches over for poker on Fri. night and I was FINE with it! I actually sat with them a while until they kicked me out for asking if anyone wanted a non-alcoholic beverage. LOL!

Even though the weather is beautiful and a nice cold beer would be nice while sitting outside, I KNOW that acting on that thought will lead me to a very sad and desolate place. And I accept that today, who the hell knows what tomorrow will bring.

There is no doubt in my mind that I would have none of the above if not for my Higher Power.

Grateful

Today I am grateful :

Finally going to the doctor and getting some bad-ass antibiotics for bronchitis & sinus infection

That a Pediatric Optometrist squeezed in an appointment for my three year old today

That said Dr. thinks the bumps on my son's bloodshot eyeballs are from allergies

That I can say the Serenity Prayer for me and my son while I force eye drops into his both eyes 4x/day

That we have health insurance that pays for Dr. visits and meds

That me and my son can take our meds and get better, this too shall pass

For the group of AA women that invited me to dinner tonight, but I had to pass cuz I'm sick

That one of said women is dropping off some CD's from the program for me while I convalecse

For my friend who invited me to her bookclub meeting tonight, but I had to pass

For my BFF, J.

That me and my friend D are talking again

My husband

My cozy bed

Sobriety bloggers

46 days sobriety

MRI

I had to go for a breast MRI today. I have a very strong family history of breast cancer, my mom was around my age when she was first diagnosed. It's just to see if they can find any cancer really, really early. I'm not worried, I don't worry about these tests until I hear there's something to worry about.

It's not the most pleasant of tests. First they start an IV, which they had a v. hard time doing. Really hard. I almost passed out from that. Everything was going black and the woman was saying something about alcohol. She freaked me out, I didn't know if she was offering me a drink, or she was saying they were having a hard time with the IV because I drank too much alcohol. Turns out she was asking me if I wanted to sniff some alcohol to not faint!! LMAO.

Then you have to lay on your stomach, with your arms over your head, with IV in one arm and your other hand holding the panic button. Your breasts hang out through the bottom of the table and there's a head rest to rest your face on. Nice image, huh?

Then they slide you in a tunnel like thing for 40 freakin' minutes and it makes all sorts of terrible crazy noises. The point is, I almost freaked out, when they slid me in there, seriously, I was still fuzzy from the IV debacle and I'm terribly claustrophic. I was about to push the panic button, but I started saying the serenity prayer, and praying and talking myself off the ledge.

Seriously, I don't think I could have gone through with it if I was still getting drunk every night, hungover everyday. But I started to feel a sense of calm, like I wasn't trapped in there all alone, that I had someone watching over me. Shit, if I can resist a drink, I can lay in a noisy tunnel, in some crazy awkward position, right?

And it's a good thing I told them to put my Massive Attack CD on instead of the soundtrack to Brokeback Mountain, because it was loud in there, I would have never been able to hear Brokeback Mountain.

Still sober and it's 44 days baby!

Bitchin'

I'm juss bitchin here. I'm leaving for a meeting tonight and my husband wants to know, now that's it been 42 days, when do I think it would be alright for him to bring beer into the house. But if it's not okay, maybe he'll just go to the bar and have a few beers and watch the ballgame tonight.

I was so pissed off. Well let's see now, I can NEVER have a beer again, so I guess after 40 something days, you've suffered enough, so by all means, go catch a freaking buzz. I'm just dealing with no buzz FOREVER here. Don't let my alcoholism hold you back, you friggin prick. We used to be great drinking buddies, til I couldn't handle it anymore....First he resents me because I choose to drink when we all know he's gonna find me on the floor the next day. Now he resents me because he can't drink in the house. What a drag, he can't win.

But it's not really fair to him I guess. Why should he not drink because I'm an alky? It's not his fault. But still, give me a little time here. How about 90 days? I'm just pissed that he can drink and I can't. And I'm holding him hostage in a way. It's his turn to have his poker game here next friday, and all the guys are going to show up with beer anyway. So I don't know why it's okay next friday and not this friday. I guess I just need a little more time. I'm a beast I know it. Enough ranting.

Rut Ro

ZOINKS! My laptop hard drive has gone completely pear shaped. I'm on my hubby's right now. So my blogging may be curtailed for a short spell.

On the bright side, I'm still sober and grateful. Thanks to everyone who stops by here and have a great weekend if I don't get the chance to blog at yuz!!!

Eagle Rock

Better. I feel better than I did earlier. My best friend J. came over with her daughter and they stayed until around dinner time. The problem is, my friends always used to come over with their kids on a Thursday or Friday night. The kids would play, and then around dinner time I would open a bottle of wine and start cooking dinner for everyone. My husband would join us with some beers. Sometimes my friends' husbands would come over with some beer and join us for dinner. It was a lot of fun. The kids had a good time and so did the adults. Eventually my friends would take their kids and go home. I would continue to drink, sometimes til the next day or at least until I drank all the beer and wine.

My friend J. has been very supportive of my recovery and she wasn't feeling too well anyway, so she didn't want to drink. But it was dinnertime and she was there and I was filled with an overwhelming desire to drink. Just the fact that she was there during that time of day, was an incredibly strong trigger. It blindsided me. I felt inhospitable, and I felt sad. Sad because I cant drink like a normal person and sad because we used to have these big gatherings at my house that aren't happening anymore. My other friend, D., who was always in on these gatherings isn't even speaking to me since I've started recovery (more on that debacle later).

I tried to call my sponsor, but she wasn't there. I went to a meeting that I thought was a new women's meeting, but that was just ending. Luckily, there was another meeting in the same church just starting. So I stayed for that. At the end, when we all stood in a circle holding hands, this guy next to me kept squeezing my hand and giving me these encouraging looks. I must have looked like I was in a bad way. His small gesture almost brought me to tears.

I was still all wound up when I left the meeting, so I went to Eagle Rock Reservation which overlooks New York City and has a really nice memorial for the World Trade Center victims. It was sad and solemn and New York looked beautiful with all the twinkling lights. There were lovers hugging and kids in their cars drinking their starbucks. I started to feel a little better. When I turned to go home there was a bust of a man holding a lantern. Carved on the base of the bust was "Remembrance and Rebirth". I'm still unsettled, rattled and upset that my best friend being here at dinnertime is such a powerful trigger. But I didn't drink and I'm safe in my bed now.

My First BB

I started reading sobriety blogs, I think about two years ago. I knew that I had a problem with alcohol, but I wasn't convinced I was an alcoholic. I knew that AA had something to do with a higher power. I wasn't ready for AA, but I wanted to know more about this higher power stuff. So I googled higher power and found dAAve's blog. Through the links on his blog, I was introduced to a great group of sober bloggers like Mary Christine, JJ, Sober Chick and then later Scout, Pam, Meg and others. (They're all linked in my sidebar, sorry too tired now to figure out how to link them in this text, I'm new to all this).

My first readings of the Big Book were through these sobriety blogs. I read their blogs as my daily meditations. These bloggers just seemed so enlightened, no matter how much pain and chaos was going on in their lives. I tried to glean from their blogs a way to have a better life, a more spiritual existence, while continuing to drink. I wanted what they had, but I wanted to be able to get wasted all the time too! I continued to drink to prove to myself that I could drink like a normal person, and I proved just the opposite.

When I was ready to put the bottle down, I had a tiny glimmer of hope, because of my vicarious experience with AA through my favorite sobriety blogs. Because of my favorite sober blogs, I knew where to go, and I knew that it would work if I worked.

Now I sit in a meeting and read the Big book, but the first time I read the Big book was here with my fellow bloggers. Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope.

Gotta Sponsor

I was really nervous about speaking up in a meeting and asking for a sponsor. I guess I was hoping the sponsor fairies would just drop one in my lap. I'm ready to work on my sobriety with someone.

Scout left a comment on my blog about being the adult child of an alcoholic and workaholic. I just wrote and then deleted a long story about being the adult child of a workaholic and how much it really sucks. It does things to you. But my Dad regretted his ways and not being around for us when we were growing up. My Dad died a couple of years ago and I loved him very much. He was a really good man.

I don't really know what the point of this post is. Just revelations and clarity in early sobriety I guess.

Monday

I am grateful:
To be sober today.
That I went to a meeting on Sat. night and that helped lessen the obsession to drink.
37 days sober.
My kids are healthy and happy.
My best friend JG who I was able to help this weekend.
My brothers.
That I am able to afford a gym membership and get to the gym.
That I can access a quiet, peaceful place and my HP when I am working out.
That I was actually able to pray for someone who I resent right now, and mean it.
For the journey that I'm on now.
That I finally decided to give sobriety a try.

Hey!

Hey and thanks to everyone who stopped by and said hi and left words of encouragement. You have no idea how much I appreciate it!

I'm doing well. I would be better if I had made a meeting today but I will make it to one tomorrow. I have to work harder at squeezing them in between my kids' and my husband's schedules.

I spoke with one of my brothers today, C. He's great to talk to about getting and staying sober. He is such a good, kind, gentle soul. He said the best thing I can do for me and my kids is get sober. His mother-in-law is a recovering alcoholic. She has been sober for about 20 years now. His sister-in-law is an alcoholic. My brother said that he thinks her 12 year-old son is having some issues, possibly related to her drinking. I hope that she gets into recovery soon.

I didn't think that my drinking affected my kids, because I always was drunk after they were in bed. (I'd start drinking around dinner time, but not get wasted til later). But tonight, my husband was out and it was just me and my kids. If I was not in recovery, I would have been drinking waiting to put them to bed, while I was putting them to bed and after they were in bed. I would have been impatient to get them to bed, so that I could be alone with my booze. Instead, we hung out and watched a movie. Now, when I put my three-year-old to bed, I watch him fall asleep. I'm telling you, that is better than any drink in the world. It is just bliss to watch him nod off to dreamland, surrounded by his stuffed animals and fluffly blankets. I thank my HP everytime I watch him like that.

My older son doesn't need much sleep, I never get to see him fall asleep. But he asks me to lay down with him so he can tell me all about his day. Then he likes when I come into my room to read. He likes to know that I am right here when he falls asleep. That didn't happen when I was drinking.

I am grateful that I am present for my kids in these ways. I am grateful that right not, I know they are safe. I know that someday they'll be out there and I wont know what the heck they're doing, and I'll be scared, because I know what I did when I was younger. I'm grateful that I can make almost anything they're upset about better, just by being here and hugging and kissing them and talking to them.

I'm starting to think that just because my kids never knew I was drunk, doesn't mean that my drinking didn't affect them. And I'm grateful that I see that now.

Ahhh.........

I can breathe again, I'm on solid ground. Thanks to DAAve and Mary Christine for responding to my SOS.

I went to a great meeting tonight and I almost wept I was so happy. Tonight we talked about What is Sobriety. Many people shared that they thought they were sober, but eventually realized they just weren't drinking. That is where I am right now. There is such a huge difference. In my head and spiritually, I'm not that much further along than I was 32 days ago. BUT, I have AA now and I'm putting together a tool box and I have a pretty big space between me and the first drink now.

I heard that if you speak with your sponsor or another alcoholic everyday, it will be so much easier to pick up the phone when your really NEED to.

People with many, many years of sobriety said that if they felt they wanted to drink and didn't talk to someone about if for about two days, they felt they would go back out. They just can't keep those thoughts in their heads, all by themselves. I thought that was a newcomer thing, and that I must be doing something wrong to feel that way. But now I see differently.

A lot of people said they could make it to 90 days standing on their heads, but they could never make it to 91. They always felt they deserved to go out and celebrate!!! If nothing changes, nothing changes. I have to always remember that I'm an alcoholic, or I will do the same thing.

One man was pissed off and uncomfortable and still wanted to drink for about a year and half after coming to AA. Not anymore, he still does the same things he did for his for 30, 60, 90 days. Still heeds the advice given him when he first started.

One guy thought you had to hit your bottom before AA could work for you. But now he thinks the longer it takes you to get to AA, the harder and more painful your life becomes, and the harder and more painful it is to recover.

One woman needs to talk to her sponsor everyday because she never wants to go back to the dark and desolate place where she once was. Neither do I, I must always remember that desolation. And it's a liquid, a couple of sips of a frickin liquid. All this fuss over a couple of ounces of a liquid. Damn!